(The movie opens with the Titanic II getting ready to sail. As the ship's horn blast a mighty departure toot, up runs spunky young Jack Dawson, played by Leonardo Dicaprio. There is seaweed on him.)
JACK: Whew! I just made it!
ROSE: Jack! I thought you had drowned! To death!
JACK: No! Fortunately, the bitter North Atlantic cold was unable to penetrate my protective layer of hair gel! Who are you?
ROSE: I'm Rose! Remember? You gave your life for me in Titanic.
JACK: But Rose was played by Kate Winslet!
ROSE: She did not want to be in another movie with you, because your checkbones are so much higher! So the part went to me, Demi Moore!
JACK: Whatever!
(The scene shifts to the ship's bridge.)CAPTAIN: Ahoy! First Mate! Commence starboard computer animation! Full speed ahead!
FIRST MATE: Sir! We're getting reports of gigantic icebergs directly ahead! Shouldn't we go slowly?
CAPTAIN: Don't be silly! What are the chances that we're going to hit another ...(There is a loud crunching sound. Big pieces of ice come through the window, along with several penguins.)
CAPTAIN: Dang!
FIRST MATE: Sir! Computerised sinking animation has commenced!
The scene shifts to the Poop Deck, where the water is rising fast. Jack and Rose are helping women and children into a lifeboat, when an evil villain appears with a gun.)VILLAIN: Out of the way! I'm taking this lifeboat all for myself!
JACK: It's Kenneth Turan, film critic for the Los Angeles Times!
TURAN: That's right, and I shall stop at nothing to get off this ship, because the dialogue is terrible!
JACK: Is not!
TURAN: Is too!
(They commence fighting.)
THE LATE BURGUESS MEREDITH: You can do it, Rock! Watch out for that jab!
JACK: Hey! You're in the wrong sequel!
MEREDITH: Sorry!
(This distraction enables Turan, by cheating, to gain the upper hand.)
TURAN: I have gained the upper hand. Whatever that expression means! And now, pretty boy, I'm going to ... OHMIGOD! NOOO!
(Turan is torn into raisin-sized pieces by an irate horde of young female DiCaprio fans.)
JACK: Whew! That was close! Uh-oh! The ship is almost done sinking!
ROSE: This is it! I hope I don't end up as an old bag in this movie!
(As the two lovers start to slip beneath the icy-cold computerised waves, they embrace. There is a cracking sound.)JACK: You broke my ribs!
ROSE: Sorry! I have tremendous upper-body strenght since starring in GI Jane!
JACK: Don't worry! As long as my checkbones are OK!
(The water slowly closes over them. In the distance, we hear two crew members on a lifeboat, looking for survivors.)
FIRST CREW MEMBER: What's that sound coming from over there?
SECOND CREW MEMBER: It sounds like ...Oh my God! It's Celine Dion!
FIRST CREW MEMBER: Let's get out of here!
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