Alright, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?
I.... don't.... know.
Age: 36
Weight: between 239 and 319 pounds
Awards Won: The C. Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, Employee of the Month, SNPP Belching Award, Grammy for Outstanding Soul, Spoken Word, or Barbershop album of the Year, High School Reunion Trophies for most weight gained, most hair lost, most improved odor (well kiss my grits!), and person who travelled the least distance
Favorite Foods: Steak, Steak, Pork Chops, Pork Rinds, Rice Cakes (with a small topping of only 15 calories), Chippos, Krusty Burgers, bulk seafood, Vaseline, Honey Roasted Peanuts (pressed peanut sweepings, mmmmmmm), Duff or Fudd Beer, Insanity Peppers
Only a few of an untold million instances of the brilliance of the man, nay the God, whom we all know as Homer. For who else could be beaten out for employee of the month by an inanimate carbon rod?
(I'll show you inanimate!) Who else would eat play-doh
just to get on workman's comp.? (When I grow up I want to be a lard-o just like my dad!) Let us bow our heads and bask in the greatness
Of course you remember the 128th episode spectacular in which several very humorous outakes were viewed. Well, I'm ready to see all of those edits that were taken out for syndication. It's always Homer's jokes that get cut. It seems the network execs. assume any joke completely irrelevant to the plot of the show (i.e. an extended rendition of the guitar riff from the hit song "Two Tickets to Paradise") is expendable in re-runs. I'm sick of this garbage. I just saw 3 Halloween specials in a row where they cut out the funniest joke in the show. In Special #1 they cut out the verse of "The Raven" where Bart says "eat my shorts," in Special #4 Homer fails to exclaim "Super Fun Happy Slide" as they descend into Burns' vampire chamber,
that is Homer J. Simpson. Now of course we all remember the terribly depressing days before the change in Homer's voice to it's present state. He was a totally different man. Would Homer ever really build 
a spice rack for Marge? Would he ever build a spice rack period, for that matter? Remember his subsequent attempts to repair the toaster? he got a time machine. The dog house? he got junk. Ned Flanders' house? he got 3-D perspective rooms without the 3-D perspective. Marge's camera? well, I'm not sure what you end up with after you whack a camera with a drill used as a chisel. Lisa's Florida costume (a terrible monster has taken over your mother. I call him gamblor.)? It just never would happen. Would you ever hear Homer say, "Son, I've pulled a couple of boners in my day..."? NO. The Homer we have grown to love is that rediculously silly man who disregards a terrifying situation to take advantage of the "SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE." Shock therapy to help a family become normal is not the way of our man, what we want is a man who can succeed only by the two sweetest words in the English language: de fault.
Who remembers those 9 ringers Mr. Burns brought in from the Major Leagues to whoop up on the local softball teams. Of course it was all for money. But those ringers didn't work out just as well as they could have. Let's take a look back at all the troubles they ended up with. Roger Clemens was hypnotized and spent game day clucking like a chicken. Mike Soscia (not pictured) could not play softball or....speak....at....normal.....rate because of accute radiation poisoning. Don Mattingly was booted off the team shortly before the opening pitch because of his hippy-like tendencies in the incredible side burns he had grown. Funny Burns would object so strongly to the burns, no? Steve Sax (also not pictured), victim of the lack luster Springfield police force, was arrested on the charges of every unsolved crime in New York City. Ozzie Smith fell victim to curiosity and fell down a bottomless pit. At least he gets a fall worth his money considering he had to pay to fall down there. Wade Boggs, as they say "lays unconscious on the bar room tile" after foolishly picking Pit the Elder over Lord Palmerston as the best Prime Minister of all time. Jose Canseco could have been at the game, but being a kind hearted soul, he opted to save the baby, cat, player piano, washer, dryer, and living room group of a fire victim.
Ken Griffey Jr., in one of the most comical ailments, overdoses on Brain Tonic and becomes one of the rare cases of gigantism. Finally, Darryl Strawberry made it to the game and succeeded in hitting numerous home runs. But Burns, the master strategist, opts to put in Homer to bat for the Straw in the bottom of the 9th because he is a right handed batter. It's called playing the percentages. It's what good managers do to win ball games. Luckily Homer has a large and overly protected cranium, allowing the game winning run to score on his being hit by a pitch. What a classic episode that was.
One of my favorite bits used on the Simpsons is Homer's conversations with his own brain. And remarkably, without fail, Homer is always outwitted by his fat-coated brain. When Homer became a professional boxer after finding out he had "Homer Simpson Syndrome" as diagnosed by Dr. Hibert, perhaps getting hit an even number of times to avoid amnesia knocked a little sense into him (that cactus is right, I have to knock him out!). Some of my favorite Homer to brain conversations include the folowing:
H:Well it's off to work.
B:Little do they know I'll be going on the Duff Brewery tour.
H:Yep, punch in at 9, out at 5.
H:Now it's off to the Duff Brewery.
B:Wait, did I say that outloud or did I just think that?
H:Quick, I need a line... D'oh!
H:Awww...
B:Quiet you fool. You're on the one team that can't possibly lose.
H:Oh yeah.
H:I don't want to go so if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes.
B:Wait, are you sure that's how this sorta thing works?
H:Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!
B:No!... must...resist...temptation.
Stomach:Give in. Beer.... BEER!
Feet:Oooh, these poly-cotton blends....
H:Hmmm, Cosby's first law of intergenerational perversity, no matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite
B:Don't you get it, you have to use reverse psychology.
H: ooh, that sounds too complicated.
B: Fine then don't use reverse psychology.
H: Alright I will. Son I don't think you should let me help you.
H:Keep it down out there. I can't hear myself think.
B:I want some peanuts.
H:That's Better.
H:Looks like he's barkin' up the wrong Bush.
B:There it is Homer. The most clever thing you'll ever say and no one was around to hear it.
Woman:And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?
B:Don't say revenge, don't say revenge.
H:Uh, revenge?
B:That's it, I'm gettin 'outta here. (runs out and slams door behind)
H:Well at least I liked it. Didn't we?
B:Aww, you don't wanna know what I really think. Now look sad, and say D'oh.
H:D'oh.
B:Uh-oh, I can't let them know I was at a bar or they'll never believe that I wasn't drinking. Think Homer, what else is open that late?
H:It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
B:I would have never thought of that.
H:Bart, wait. You didn't finish your spaghetti and moeballs.
B:Quiet and it can be ours.
H:(with mouth full of moeballs)Run boy, run...boy
H:Brain, your brilliant. How can I ever repay you?
B:Just don't bump your head when you get out of the car.
H: [bumps his head] D'OH!
H:Awww, twenty dollars, I wanted a peanut.
B:Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
H:Explain how.
B:Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
B:I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwicky-Mart. (imagines dancing girls, etc.)
H:I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwicky-Mart.
B:.........
H:(driving away eating a hot dog) Oh well, there'll always be next time.
H:(to Bart with arm around him) Just a couple of good old fashion places, father and son.
B: You're leaving the arm there too long; you wanna make itworse?!.
H: (pulls his arm back quickly)
B: No, no he'll know you're on to him. Quick shake his hand.
H: (shakes his hand) Just remember son. Whatever happens, I'll always love you.
B: As, as?!!
H: As a father! A father! Regular Father.
H:(Answering Lisa's question about why he was singing about Mindy) I have a small part in a Broadway musical. It's not much but it's a start.
B: Brav-o. [clap] [clap] [clap].
B:Something said, not good. What was it "Don't make fun of Homer." No, that's not bad. "He's a little slow." I'm a little slow?!
H:(everyone is already gone)How dare you...
Lenny in sleep wear:You still here? Boy, you are slow.
B:Something said, not good--
Lenny:Get outta here!!
H: Alright brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
B: It's a deal.
H: Relax Marge. To find Flanders I just have to think like Flanders.
B: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater every single day and--
H: To the Springfield River!
H:Don't tell him, give him a fake name.
H:Homer Simpson.
B:D'oh.
H:What am I supposed to do??
B:Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart.
H:Pick a bar. What the hell is pick a bar!?!
Lisa:It is better to remain silent and by thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
B:What does that mean. Uh oh, better say something.
H:Takes one to know one!
B:Sa-wish!
We've all seen the Simpsons crew break into song now and again. The one difference between their singing and Homer's is that Homer just can't always remember the words. (monorail, monorail, monorail.... mono-D'OH!, let's hurl a brickymart, you made dad sickymart, the floors are stickymart, the KwickyMart is real D'OH!) You see what I mean? Here's a few more examples of what I'm talking about:
Homer on giving up deer (I mean beer) for a month
Homer upon joining the B-Sharps
Homer upon becoming friends with Ned Flanders
Homer upon starting his own snow plowing business
Homer upon table three at the Evergreen Terrace yard sale 
just prior to encountering his arch nemesis George Bush
Well here is one song Homer could never forget:
D'oh-Re-Me Drink, by Homer J. Simpson.
*ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH....OH-NO-NO!
We all know that Homer works as safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Maybe he's not the hardest worker, considering his reality ceck run in with our little friend Frank Grimes, who likes to be called Grimey. And we've seen his numerous temporary replacements: The sleeping dog, the brick on a string, the chicken, the duck. The list goes on, but really, what would SNPP be without our main man Homer? He's been employee of the month, union leader, and just one carbon rod shy of worker of the week. Infact Mr. Burns treasures his work so much that he transferred Homer out of the casino just to get his competent presence back in the power plant. Mr. Burns has admired Homer's superficial benefits i.e. his knowledge as an egg head wearing Kissinger's glasses, his gusto as an exercise man while trying to get a sugar daddy off his back, and his young go getter attitude he acquired after using demoxidyl and growing a full head of hair. And let's not forget Homer's most important role that Homer played for Burns, Homer the Smithers. We'll be sure he gets what is coming to him! So why does Homer want Mr. Burn's to die? Probably for the sole reason that he can't remember his name. Exactly...D'oh! 
and in Special #6 when Frink is describing the nature of a 3 dimensional cube, Chief Wiggum is cut before he can say "Slow down egg head." Well I'm ready to see all those wonderfully, hilarious, and most importantly nonsensical jokes from Homer and crew and I tell you, Stan Stan he's our boy, if he can't do it, no one.... will. So if you notice any of your favorite jokes missing one day, don't hesitate to send 'em this way boy, or else... you will be assimilated. Mmmmm, assimilation.
From all those years working at the power plant, Homer's not the only who's been affected adversely. Mr. Burns is at the brink of death... I guess that could also have to do with the fact that he is 104 years old. Regardless, week after week Mr. Burns goes through a life extending process which leaves him glowing, and willing to bring peace and love to the community. Or to some people who want to believe, he's straight out of the X-Files. Not only do Mulder and Scully make a guest appearance to figure this one out, Mr. Spock himself resurfaces after disappearing from the sight of the Springfield monorail. I wonder what Homer ever did with all those extra t-shirts he had printed up?
If it's aliens you're after, it's aliens you shall have. Every year right around halloween time, Kang and Kodos come lurking round Springfield to do anything from ensalve mankind after rigging the 1996 presidential election to impregnating Marge with the alien Maggie to just flying by to complain about not being included in the script. Luckily their particular species has reached the extent of the knowledge revealed by rectal probing. But they're certainly not done toiling with mankind. What is this some kind of tube? Bob Dole doesn't need this. and if you're wondering how they keep their witnesses from squealing,... well they have their ways.What are you spraying me with?! -- Rum! So no one will believe your story!
Halloween fiction isn't the only place where you'll find unexplainable abnormalities. Let's not forget those thousand monkeys at a thousand type writers. It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times! You stupid monkey! 
Or what about Homer's helper monkey, Mojo? He's smarter than Homer! But through extensive testing scientists did come to an agreement that Homer is either a below average human being, or a brilliant beast, so Mojo didn't have to try to hard to outsmart Homer. I wonder which would do better on a written test, Mojo or Laddie? And let's not forget about Homer's new stone cutter objective to dress up a bunch of Kolobos monkeys to reenact the Civil War. Why not? Couldn't do any harm. Unless the monkeys started hurting people. Which they most probably would. The Simpsons sure love a good monkey joke. But the most curious monkey gag comes from the office place of Mr. Burns. They've gotta tell the people something, maybe they should let them know all those monkeys they sent into space came back super intelligent. But the rollerskating monkey in a suit smoking a pipe would tend to disagree. "No, I don't think we'll be telling them that."
Alright, now I'm sure you're all itching to hear Homer say his wonderful catch phrase that can't quite be described as much more than mmmm..... So with no further ado, here is Homer and his non-lingual expression for his love of food (I'd like to be alone with the sandwich now.-- Are you going to eat it?--....Yes-- And when you couldn't find another "all you can eat" fish restaurant?...--We went fishing.-- 'Tis no man, 'tis a remorseless eatin' machine.).
Mmmmm....
...I can feel 3 kinds of softness
...64 slices of American cheese
...apple
...bad eggs
...BBQ
...beer
...beer nuts
...bowling fresh
...burger
...business deal
...candy
...caramel
...caramel bologna
...chicken
...chocolate
...chocolate, ooh double chocolate, new flavor triple chocolate!
...convenient
...crumbled up cookie things
...cupcakes
...danish
...delicious
...donuts
...elephant fresh
...fattening
...feed
...fifty dollar pretzel
...footlong chili dog
...forbidden donut
...free goo
...free wig
...garnish
...grapefruit
...gummy beer
...ham
...hamburger
...hippo
...hog fat
...horse doobers (hors d'oeuvers)
...hug
...incapacitating
...invisible cola
...logan berry
...macamadamia nuts
...Marge
...marshmallows
...McNuggets
...me
...mediciney
...memo
...money
...Moses
...nuts
...open face club sand wedge
...orginized crime
...ovulicious
...pancakes
...pie
...pie pants
...pistol whip
...pointy 
...potato chips
...pressed peanut sweepings
...promo
...purple
...recirculated air
...sacrilicious
...salty
...shrimp
...slanty
...snouts
...something
...soylent green
...spaghetti
...split pea... with ham!
...sprinkles
...steamed gentile
...strained peas
...sweet mint julip (Manjula)
...trophy
...unexplained bacon
...unproccessed fish sticks
...urinal fresh
...various eggs
...waffle runoff
So enough talk about it already, let's see some close ups of the rod!!!
It's Homerpalooza Quiz Time!!!
Now that you know what's up with these quick quizzes, I'm sure you'll have no trouble
with this one. Just finish the Homer line, mail it to me (sacrilicious1@geocities.com),
and you'll see your name on this page for the world to see! Same rules apply, I can only
give you credit for 3, or maybe more if I like ya, but go ahead and send me all that you know if you think you're so
smrt.
I think I have to do it again,____-my blindfold came off-solved by Ronan San Juan
Oh I wish I wish I hadn't _____-killed that fish-solved by Ronan San Juan
I hope I didn't brain _____-my damage-solved by Jason Woolfrey
I know you can hear what I'm thinking boy, "_______"-meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow-solved by Ronan San Juan
How 'bout "Mad Man Moe's _____"-Pressure Cooker!-solved by Rebecca Hubbard
What I'm saying is, we'll just go down to the pound and pick up a new ______-jazz man-solved by Ronan San Juan
Marge, don't discourage the boy, weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals....______-except the weasel-solved by Anne Neubauer :)
I wonder where Bart is, his food's getting ____-all cold and eaten-solved by Rebecca Hubbard
I bashed it good, ______-
Oh, everything seems bad if _____-you remember it-solved by Rebecca Hubbard
Levi's. Hehehe, you think ______?-
The only thing I'm fit to take care of is ______-
I said I was sorry..... sorry you're _______! OWWW that bullet ________!!-
I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope _______-
I'm the first non-Brazilian person to ______!-
...and that sends me into a _____-shame spiral-solved by Rebecca Hubbard
If this were a cartoon, ________-(hint, it's not aired in syndication)
Remember when Homer sold his soul for a donut? Haven't there been times when we all
have
wanted to do that? Oh come on, admit it. Homer is the archetypal
donut eating, beer swilling, soul swapper in all of us. I mean how could anyone forget
that time when Homer exploded his house with beer on April Fool's Day. We need
pretzels, repeat pretzels. You know
it's true. You're sittin' at home right know scratching your gut,
trying to fish the last peanut out of the package and belching. Well don't bother pealing
yourself off the sofa even if your short on beer. And don't let your peanut fall under the
sofa, stupid crumby furniture. But lumber has a million uses. And if it does fall try to
avoid anything ow pointy, ew slimy, uh-oh moving, or even the aw 20 bucks cause darnit
you wanted a peanut.
Embrace the Homer which lives in all of us!
