NORM MACDONALD: I thought about something,
something about cocks, earlier backstage [Laughter] ... they
have that Viagra thing out. The other day, Bob Dole came right out and said [he was one of the first users]. You don't want to hear about Bob Dole's cock. You know? [Laughter] I mean, President Clinton's cock, Bob Dole's cock. What the hell? But, mostly, an old man like that, you don't want him to have a
super-hard cock. [Laughter] ... Why? Because an old man, you want him to be
-- got a pipe going, the newspaper, a dog at this feet there. ... but, now they're going to have to create some goddamn pill that makes women aroused to save a fucking, 70-year-old dude with a super-hard cock. [Laughter] ...
This Viagra. It's insane. You know what it's for? Impotent people. It's for impotent guys. Now, get this, I read this. The pill can make your cock hard for four hours. So, now, who has the four-hour-hard cock? THE IMPOTENT GUYS!
[Laughter] The rest of us are fucked! [Laughter] Me and you [Dennis Miller]
got our regular cocks. Meanwhile, fucking [David] Spade (seated next to Norm)
is you know -- [Huge laugh] ...
SPADE: I didn't see it coming either.
MILLER: I know you didn't. He brought it all around, and then a vicious rib kick into his best friend's gut! [Laughter]
SPADE: Once there's too much cock talk, I try to just zone out for a minute until it goes back the other way.
NORM: If there's too much cock talk, this guy has fevered nightmares all night. Dreams, I mean. Sweaty, fevered dreams. From the cock talk that's been all over his head. [Laughter] Cock! Cock! Cock!
SPADE: Why bury me twice?! He's killing me.
NORM: No, he's a good man. [Laughter] ...
NORM ON GEORGE MICHAEL
NORM: I read this thing about the George Michael --
MILLER: You've been reading a lot!
NORM: I've got a little time now. Now, I read the newspaper. [Laughter] ... You know George Michael? He hangs around the bathrooms and has sex with multiple guys.
MILLER: Now, now, now wait. You've got to get it right. He hangs around the bathroom. It was described as "lewd behavior." But, I don't remember "sex with numerous guys." Is that what you took away form it? What, were you in the next stall? [Laughter]
NORM: I could have been. Just having a nice bathroom regular thing. ... This is definitely a gay thing. Because this is a pop superstar. You know what I mean? You're not going to walk into a bathroom and all of a sudden Farah Fawcett is like AHHHHHHHH! (Does wild pantomime of Fawcett masturbating) [Huge laugh] ... That's why they have separate bathrooms, let's face it. If they had women, as you call them, I call them ladies ... like you go to the [unisex] bathroom, to do your business, to see a man about a dog. [Laughter] ... All of the sudden! A beautiful lady comes out, "Oh! Here's my vagina and breasts!" You're going to be hanging out at that bathroom a lot! [Laughter] So, I don't blame anybody for anything. [Laughter]
DON OHLMEYER
NORM: Don Ohlmeyer? I met [him] once, after he fired me. Then I went
and visited him at his office, which was not like an office I'd ever seen.
There was a wet bar, and bunch of weird sports trophies. He's a big sports
guy. So, he explained it to me, what happened. But, he did it all with sports
stuff. He said, "Oh, man, you see, you're the number three hitter, but now,
you're going to be number eight. And then, later on, Ken Griffy will show up."
I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. I said, "Well, Christ, man.
What the hell am I supposed to do?" He said, "Oh, I don't know. Just walk it
off." [Laughter]
MILLER: I'll put it in sports terms -- why you got fired -- you were fucking with O.J. too much. That's exactly why you were fired, man. That's his buddy.
NORM: That's his buddy.
MILLER: That's why you got canned.
NORM: O.J.'s a good guy. [Huge Laughter] ...
The Fake News
