"You hair is surprisingly soft." He did not stop. She let him continue. The only sound --the breeze tantalizing trickling through the green barrier. "My Grandmother used to do this when I was out of sorts." Julia felt her back asking for a stretch but she could not move for reasons of nostalgia and the arrival of his touch finally coming not in anger or manipulation or sorrow but in friendship. It was an extraordinary moment, she would remember it until she died, and hopefully smile. "It is a rare gift to know how and when to give comfort." He said softly. Julia felt the weight of his hand as it moved down her neck to her shoulders and back. It rested there. She sat upright, pressing her shoulder blades together. "You did not answer my question." He reminded. Though she heard and saw true contrition, she had little desire to give what he wanted. One loving touch did not wash away four years of bludgeoning. "For what specifically are you apologizing?" Before answering, he watched her in this environment. Things were normally stiff, clean and sharp around Julia. He did not associate her with the earth, leaves and natural sanctuaries. Perhaps it was that she was not the 'earth mother' type rather clinical and serious, scholarly. Was that why he failed to notice she was a woman, a rather fine one at that? On that first meeting, he saw only the sharpness, the no-nonsense person. And even as his affection for her grew, she remained so stereotyped in his mind. Not warm, kind or soft as her hair and skin now reminded him. But then their friendship had changed her as well as him. But he should not take credit for helping her relax and invite others in. He stormed his way in, savagely. "I am apologizing for the inexplicability of my own emotions." "Is that all?" She snorted with forced amusement. "That's rather broad." His hand remained on her back, after a fashion he said, "You know what I don't understand about you Julia-" "A great many things." She replied matter-of-factly. "True as is for all men and women but there is one thing, one fundamental thing I've not understood about **you**-" Julia rolled her shoulders again. His hand remained. She was not sure how to feel about it. What it might mean? Something not good likely. "And pray tell what is that?" Barnabas moved a few inches closer, his eyes locking with hers, dead earnestness surrounded by curiosity dancing. "How in the midst of my cruelty, my treachery, how could you could love me?" Julia's posture lost all casualness. Her façade fell and profound shock was evident in the fluttering eyelids and self-conscious attempts at distance. Actions Barnabas interfered with. "Don't be absurd." She tried harder to move away. Both of his hands now held firm. His eyes searched hers, tried to calm down the nervous excitement that overcame her anytime he expressed a warm sentiment. He remembered Dr. Lange's Lab and how he tried to say thank you. Rather than accept his gratitude, his warmth, she pulled away saying they were wasting time. It wasn't exactly what she wanted, so she rejected it outright or so he believed. Then he came to see any sort of affection from anyone put her off. She knew not how to respond. The loss of her parents, a stern but loving Grandmother, there was much she didn't know how to do. But hadn't their time in 1995 and 1840 allowed for more honesty? He'd said he would never go on without her, she almost said she loved him. They'd touched one another honestly, she hadn't shirked away. Yes they were only hugs but weren't they ready for more? "You deny then that once, if not now, you loved me?" Why would he be here asking her to bare her soul? He wanted to speak now of the sentiments she'd guarded closely taking pains to not be too obvious about, emotions he'd rejected and ignored. Why now? Was it some pathetic attempt to make him feel better? Ease Angelique's unrest? Let her know finally there was no hope, no chance. Julia finally with bitterness uttered. "You ability to love anyone and I do mean **anyone** but me is something I fundamentally don't understand." Her words pierced his heart but he withstood the dagger. "And that is why I seek an apology once more." "I can't give you absolution for not loving me!" She shrieked. "You can give me pardon for my callous insensitivity. You can remind me that you understand me better than myself and why I've been reluctant to tell you, show you, show even myself the truth of what is between us-the abiding love between us." Julia managed to turn completely so they faced one another on the blanket. "You ask for too much. A hell of a lot actually." Barnabas raised his brow. She had missed the important part entirely. "You asked for quite a bit the day you walked into my house and life." "That was different." She snapped. "Suppose it was, suppose it is now. Suppose a part of me has loved you but feared you as well." |