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Well it's about that time. Welcome aboard the third edition of Hurray for Jodi. The overwhelming onslaught of positive feedback I got last week was encouraging. Thanks to whoever that was who sent me the nice letter, to answer your question, yes, I do .
I am awashed with mixed feelings today. On the one hand I am happy to not have to work everyday this week, on the other hand I am sad because my sister's dog saw fit to exercise it's jaw on my brand new pair of sandal-type things. When I got mad about it, all Cujo's owner could say was " You shouldn't have left them in a box in the closet under the shoes you know she likes". In retrospect, I guess she was right.
I miss Goosey aka tennis lesbian. She has seen fit to dessert her post as my protector this week. I hope she has fun at Great America, and is very careful when she falls off the Rollercoaster to meet her untimely demise. She wrote this cute poem that I think I should share with you all.
I am sitting here With nothing to do I don't have a life, So I talk to you.
Isn't that cute?
The origami is going a little bit better this week. I have successfully completed two scenes. One is the "bring out the gimp" scene from Pulp Fiction, and the other a nice set of barnyard animals. I am hoping to practice a lot over the winter and become good enough to compete in the world championships of Origami next spring. I am looking for sponsors to help fund the cost of travelling to Australia. This is not where the world championships are being held, I just really want to go to Australia.
I need to invent something so I can make a lot of money and not ever have to go back to school. I was thinking about experimenting with a new type of super-charged crack cocaine that will have every crackhead begging for more, but I am not sure. If anyone has any suggestions for anything I can invent, please send them to me, and I will use them to become rich and I will not share any of the money with you.
Now, on to notable happenings. I found out this week that a registered child molestor is moving in down the street. I am quite upset about this, as I am afraid he will be encroaching on my territory. We will have to get together and draw up some sort of contract defining who gets what playgrounds. I just hope I can still have the beach, there's lots of action to be had at the beach.
I have been inducted into The First Church of Marvin Gaye, a church that promises to heal all wounds through the power of Marvin Gaye songs. I have yet to meet any of the other members, and I am not even sure they actually exist. I think the wool has been pulled over my eyes yet again. I will keep you updated as new developments develop.
Well this has been a rather uneventful week, and I think I will wrap up notable happenings right here. In fact, I'm not even going to bother with the last one. It was just about how I killed this guy and cut his still warm carcass into 20 pieces and fed them to the Lemurs at the wildlife park. I thought it weird at the time, because Lemurs are supposed to be omnivorous.
Now here's the moment none of you have been waiting for, the winner of the caption contest. This week's winner…………Mo Pokins! Unfortunately I have misplaced Bill's very funny winning entry, but I assure you it was very very funny. The runner-up, who will fulfill the winner's duties if he is not available is James Fritz. His second prize winning caption was:
"Upon opening up one of Marlon Brando's turds, scientists found the remains of actor Yahoo Serious"
Here are some others that I feel like sharing:
Also by James:
One-upping the militant vegetarian group G.E.R.M.'s tactic of letting an animal eat a human, the Meat Eaters killed the animal with the man inside it, ate the man, ate the alligator, and made matching boots with the skins of both.
While studying the effects of cigarette smoke on reptiles, the Florida Institute officials found that the carcinogens could in fact cause entire humans to form within an animal. Unfortunately for researchers, the arms and legs are not attached and the face is somehow eaten off. Gators everywhere are suing the Phillip-Morris company claiming, "We had no idea smoking was harmful to our health,and we're mad as hell. Growl."
A reenactment of the birth of Don Ohlmeyer.
Surprised officials discovered the body of the missing man when a local teen let them to the beached gator, saying he "put his weed in there."
By Jay:
'So I guess Tony Danza DIDN'T have a lull in his career'
'This is what happens when you try to sneak through the metal detector with a human carcass inside you at the airport'
By Kevin:
"Goddamnit Bill. I know this is a bad time to say it, seeing what I'm about to tell you has nothing to do with this reptile's internal organs. But, for Christ's sake, won't you agree with me that Nabob coffee is the best brew known to man?"
By NJLigerNJ:
"I knew I shouldn't have been masturbating so close to the Alligator Pond"
"So that's where I left my good arm"
"Authorities were shocked to find the remains of the teen inside the alligator's stomach"
"I guess I won't be needing that new alligator skin purse, since I have no arm to carry it with"
Due to rather lackluster response, and no responses whatsoever from girls, the caption contest has been discontinued. I will provide another game for your amusement, but I think it will probably be more annoying than amusing. I have not labelled the shout-outs this week, and you will have to guess which one is yours. To make it easier I will separate them into 2 groups, and tell you which group you are in. May the force be with you.
Group one: Steve, Kevin, Jess, Chryetman, Brodie, Alex, Jay, Suzy, Hecubus, Russ
"make sure you leave some room behind the margarine" "If I catch you putting latex house paint on my socks again, I will kill you" "I'm really sorry, but that one's gonna have to be amputated" "Keep beating those on the rocks until all the bloodstains come out" "Just think, one day, no one will ever need to ask whether you want plastic or paper bags" "use duct tape, and you'll never need re-pick those scabs" "I'll go ahead and sell your mother to the Arabs, but I'm not gonna share the crack" "I had no idea squirrels could be so cruel to someone coping with male pattern baldness" "Tom Cruise underoos are nothing to be ashamed of" "I don't see why you can't let them out to go to the bathroom"
Group two: James, INWOsuxRED, Mutant Man, NJLigerNJ, Goats, Jen, Bill, Nightheat, Sean, Cool Dave
"All the bacon grease in the world isn't going to make your forehead any smaller" "It will take more than "please" for me to let you borrow my new home-catheter kit" "I tried pulling some strings, but Sigfried and Roy already have someone who shines their shoes." "I wish I never met you, and that you'll keep your eyes closed while I'm changing my shirt, and that you'll start buying me 5 powerball tickets every week, and that you'll order me that really cool 'space-age polymer' car wax from the informercial" "What's the deal? I was under the impression that all it needed was a few pieces of lettuce and some quiet time with my sister" "If I decide to sell my toenails, you'll be the first to know" "you knew it was only a matter of time before it would crust over and start to smell" "if I had one wish, it would be for you to eat watermelon above me" "Keep a towel on, or just tell the other guys you experimented with steroids as a child" "may you dance in the ring someday with glee and donuts"
Alright, these are more abstract than the usual shout-outs, but I wanted to make you work. Mail me your answers by noon Aug 18, if you want to be in medal contention. A prize has been donated by the very kind Rebellion, but I will not tell you what it is, but I assure you, there is something to be won.
I will now stop typing because my arm is very sore. This is directly related to someone reading this very letter, who shall remain nameless.
But I must type one last thing, in case you are not good at reading between the lines. I plan to kill you all, you won't know when, you won't know where, but when it happens, you will know, and you will be very very dead. Goodbye.
To read last week's edition, click HERE
To read the week before that, click HERE
To sign up for HURRAY for Jodi, email me from the link below, or HERE
© 1997 hbauld@netcom.ca
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