All I know is while it took Trancer and two firefighters 45 minutes to revive the rest of the jailed Cirrans, it only took the Goddess a snap of the fingers to revive me.
GC: Before you get all sentimental, we just needed someone to change the channels.
Looking around I found that I was already home. The Big screen was on. Law & Order was about to start. Hudson sat on one sofa feet propped up on the coffee table. Callisto was sprawled across the second sofa feet dangling over the end. I was in a crumpled heap on the floor.
(((credits roll across the screen)))
GC: Heidi?
HL: Don't ask. Ok you have got to pay close attention, because I am not on very much.
GC: Is that you?
HL: No. That's the wife.
GC: That you?
HL: No, that's the maid.
GC: That you?
HL: You're not even trying, are you?
GC: There you are!
HL: Yep.
GC: Your hair is all chopped off. What's that on your head?
HL: Yeah, much easier to take care of that way. And it's a baseball cap.
GC: It makes you look younger. What's baseball?
HL: I was younger. Baseball is...
MM: Shhh. I can't hear. (thinking: there are somethings the Goddess is just better of not knowing, games involving bats being rather high on the list.)
GC: (slack jawed with amazement)
MM: uh...did I say that out loud?
GC: You most certainly did. But being the benevolent Goddess that I am, I forgive you. Now, why don't you make yourself useful. I need a refill on the Dr Pepper. (rattling ice cubes in the empty glass)
HL: Shhhh. I can't hear.
GC: Oops sorry.
MM: (slack jawed with amazement, tho why I should be amazed is beyond reason)(take Callisto's glass and head toward the kitchen.)
HL: uh-hem. (rattling ice in her own empty glass)
MM: (sigh) (Take Hudson's glass too)
GC: (to Hudson) Why do they automatically assume you killed the old man?
HL: I was having an affair with him.
GC: (shudder) with the dead guy?!
HL: He wasn't dead at the time.
GC: oh.....still.
HL: I know.
GC: (yelling to Melissa) Hey! Why don't you pop some corn while you're in there?!
MM: Sure Goddess, anything you say Goddess.
GC: Watch it bard!
HL: Well that's it for my part, till the end. Now what?
GC: Hey Melissa, did you get that video I told you to?
MM: uh... (I knew there was something I forgot.)
HL: It's ok Cally, Melissa has a rather impressive collection of videos. We can just watch one of those. RIGHT MELISSA? (evil smirk)
MM: Sure. They're in the cabinet. (well that was nice of Hudson. Can't be a good sign.)
HL & GC: (riffle through my private collection of movies.)
MM: (I wonder what Hudson is up to? Nothing unusual about watching videos. And I do have a fine collection. Even got some rare black market bootlegged copies of....oh my Goddess!!! Drop the glass I was holding and run into the TV room...Gasp! Too late.)
GC: (holding a video tape in her hand) What does X:WP stand for Melissa?
HL: (big grin)
MM: (Oh you're going to pay Lieck, you're going to pay.)
GC: Pay like what Melissa? Sometimes you make no sense. Now what is X:WP? You have several tapes in here with it scribed across the top.
MM: uhm...ah...(think Melissa think!)
GC: Think what?
MM: (don't think Melissa, don't think)
GC: I am waiting.
MM: (whimper)
GC: Well whatever it is it must be pretty good to make you do your Gabrielle impression. (pops tape into the VCR)
Time stopped, quite literally I'm afraid. Unfortunately it wouldn't stay stopped...no matter how hard I tried to will it.
(((In the time of ancient Gods.....the world cried out for a hero, she was Xena...)))
GC: (arches an eyebrow) Come over here Melissa.
MM: (gulp) (blurt out) It's about you Goddess.
GC: Do I look like a fool? They just said it was about Xena. Now get over here!
MM: But look! (point to the television) there you are.
Had there been a God of Mercy I would have said a little prayer of eternal thanks because it could only have been by the Grace of the Gods that Callisto had put in "Return of Callisto."
(((...I say before I kill you I'm going to make you sequel like a pig...)))
Callisto's anger was quickly replaced with a big grin...one might even say a goofy grin, you know, if one had a death wish or something.
GC: Hudson! That's you!
HL: Yeah I had the honor of portraying you in X....
MM: In the documentary of your life, Goddess! (shoot silencing look to Hudson, who returns a rather amused smile...DoH!)
GC: I like that, the documentary of my life. Looks like you captured me pretty well. That poor pathetic piece of dung didn't know what hit him. (smiles. Thinking: good times, good times.)
The Goddess watched each scene with fascinated intent, mouthing her lines along with the television. "I'm going to kill your soul first."
GC: (mutters) Perdicus. That'll do. (Gods I'm funny!) Hudson, where did you film this? It looks nothing like Greece.
HL: New Zealand. And it was freezing. How do you wear that outfit in the winter?
GC: You get use to it. How did you like playing me?
HL: Well to be honest, I felt kind of like a dominatrix.
GC: A domi- what?
HL: a dominatrix, its a....
MM: Pop corn anyone! (if the goddess doesn't need to know about games with bats she certainly doesn't need to know what a dominatrix is!)
GC: What is with you today? It's not like you to interrupt so often. But now that you mention it, yes get me some pop corn. (arcing eyebrow) Weren't you supposed to do that earlier?
MM: Okey-dok. (ignore last comment, get up to go to the kitchen)
GC: Halt.
MM: (freeze in my tracks)
GC: Put in a new tape. This story fall apart completely after I torch the bard.
MM: (sly grin) How about "Ten Little Warlords."
HL: (blurts out) NO!! Uhm...er, I mean I don't think you would like that one Cally.
MM: Don't listen to her Goddess, she is just being modest. The entire episode features Hudson.
GC: Play it.
MM: (wink at Hudson) (pop the tape into the VCR)
GC: Huh. Strange, I don't remember doing any of this. And why in the heck am I hanging out with the irritating blonde? Did that guy just call me Xena?!
MM: (head to the kitchen, smiling...my work here is done)
Naturally things didn't work out quite the way I had expected. Turns out Callisto was thrilled to "finally" learn what Xena did while she was occupying her body. Apparently nobody would ever tell her.
GC: Loved when you drug Gabby out of that marketplace by the ear!
HL: Want to know a secrete?
GC: sure.
HL: (big grin) Wasn't in the script!
HL& GC: (Hysterical laughter)
GC: What else is on theses tapes?
At this point Callisto proceeds to watch a mini-marathon of X:WP. In Goddess time that means she saw about 20 episodes before I could return with the pop corn.
((Xena does an amazing gravity defying leap on to the ship of the Lost Mariner.)))
GC: (muttering) Yeah right. Like she could jump that far.
MM: Pop corn's done. (place bowl on in Callisto's hands) So how did you like Ten Little Warlords Goddess?
GC: Fine thanks.
MM: oh (with disappointment)
GC: Say Melissa, did you know Xena bathes with her bard?
MM: (blank stare) Don't even think about it Goddess.
GC: She also found a rather ingenious use for those scrolls you are always carrying around.
MM: (To Hudson) You let her watch A Day in the Life?
HL: Let her? Besides it could have been worse.
MM: I don't see how.
HL: Two words: Altered States.
MM: Good point.
GC: What's this about nude fishing?
Hudson and Melissa shoot each other accusatory looks (Alright which one of you didn't clear your mind?), before realizing Callisto is actually watching Altered States.
GC: Hey, that looks kind of challenging.
MM: Not really.
GC & HL: (look at the bard, slack jawed with amazement)
MM: (sheepish grin) Did I say that out loud?
GC: You most certainly did.
MM: Uhm...uh...hey, I think its about time for Hudson's last Law & Order segment to come on.
GC: Well what are you waiting for bard, turn the channel.
Return to the Bard's Pathetic Stories
Get your own Free Home Page