Dearest Goddess,
What is it about those wax lips, anyway?
BadgeBoy
If you have to ask the question, you can't possibly understand the answer.
Goddess Callisto
I'll just start off by telling you that I worship the ground that you
walk, or kill, on. As many of us worthless mortals do. I was just wondering,
since Xena has obliviated you, a big mistake on her part, do you have a
sucessor? Did you and Ares, ever have a child? If so, she or he can continue
your battle against Xena and Hercules. Maybe you sent her (prefirably, a her) to
be trained by Hades. She can be the goddess of Suffering. You know, follow in
her parents' footsteps. Thanx for taking time out of your busy schedule to
answer my question!
Your #1 worshiper,
1. Your letter should have read: "I worship the dirt you treat me like" but I digress
Goddess Callisto
just wondering
If I were mortal I'd crumble to dust. I'm well over a few millennia old. But it's nice to know a girl hasn't lost her looks. As far as being superior to Zeus, I'm not sure if you meant overall or in certain areas. Zeus has his thunderbolt, I got fire, so it's a wash. Zeus is afraid of spiders, I'm not so point for me. Zeus cheats at cards. I can't make Tacos. So you see, it really depends on your point of view.
GC
Hey I want to say something. I think Ares is cute and all but I was
wondering why does he have a problem with you? If your ever in a fight with Ares
I'll be glad to help.(not that I'm trying to be near Ares or anything.)(-blush-)
from tartarus
Start a war, you'll meet Ares.
GC
Anonymous
I wish I was mortal again so I could aspire to be so brave.
MM: Nope not at all bitter.
GC: How's that?
MM: I said, go ahead hit her.
You are a warrior queen aren't you?(if so its more then what xena is. he he
he) Well anyways I admire you a lot. I've tried to study your skills but I can't
seem to jump or fly that high. (which ever you choose to use) O well. Girl you
got some skills. Anyways if you ever need help in a battle I'm right here where
you can always find me as your humble servant.(or do you not want that) anyways
if I may I worship the ground you walk on and I'm willing to give you my life
and my soldiers. they're over there eating. May I ask a suggestion about what
you can do to Xena and her little sidekick? if so then What you could do is
this somehow put a spell on hercules and under your command tell him to destroy
xena. If you wish you may destroy gab your self for the pleasure. After that
you can kill hercules yourself. then your revenge has been made. IF I couldn't
have made that suggestion then sorry. I ment well.
man in the woods.
Truth be told, I lost my "How to be a Goddess" rule book and I don't know how
to put a spell on Herc. Besides, if I did that then well, you wouldn't have
anything to watch on the weekends.
GC
Hey I'm here to ask you a question if I may. Well you see there's this guy
who likes you right yet he aint nothing but a perv and the way he acts and says
things just makes me wanna kill him or just make beat the living shi* out of
him. Which do you think would be best for him? Knowing you, you proubly would know
the best way to do this. I admire you a lot. If I was a bard I would have to be
your bard. Defently not Xena's cause of 1 thing. she killed your parents.
from tarturas
GC
I may not be a god, but I live a full life nonetheless. I was wondering, how do you suggest I acquire a bard of my own to glorify my exploits? In addition, how should I keep them in line once she's in my employee?
Ceasar Khan
Dear Caesar,
Acquiring a bard is not all that difficult - they're not very fast. I suggest you get one that is a little green behind the ears - not literally, of course, because that would indicate a blatant lack of hygiene and frankly there's nothing worse than a bard that doesn't bathe.
MM: *cough*
GC: stop that.
Anyway as I was saying - green behind the ears, as in a little naive and all kinds of eager to learn and explore the world - they are just easier to train that way, less deprogramming involved. For instance Xena found her bard in some backwood village in Greece. And I found mine hanging around at UNLV. In an ideal case they will come to you. All the best bards are drawn to darkness so don't worry about having to be nice or exchange pleasantries with them. As to the last part of your query, regarding keeping a bard in line - *sigh* - This is the conundrum which has plagued warriors since the beginning of time. Heck, even the DoN's bard killed her child. (giggle - sorry that's my little joke)
MM: (blank stare)
GC: what?
(Rolls eyes) See what I mean? Anyway you can read all about how to train a bard in my upcoming series - How to Train a Bard vol 1-2000.
Goddess Callisto
I AM REALLY GOING TO MISS SEEING YOU ON TELEVISION NEXT SEASON I
REALLY ENJOY WATCHING YOU MAKE TROUBLE FOR THE DESTROYER OF NATIONS AND THE IRRTAITING BLONDE. I MEAN YOU MAKE THE SHOW MUCH MORE INTERESTING TO WATCH WITH ALL YOUR COMMENTS WHICH I WILL HAVE TO SAY ARE TRUE AND ARE SO MEANINGFUL. YOU TRY SO HARD TO KEEP EVERYTHING IN ORDER AND SAVE A FEW PEOPLE NOW IN THEN LIKE HOPE SHE SHOULD BE GREATFUL FOR THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE FOR HER AND FATHER
BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU SHE WOULD NOT EXIST. SO AGAIN I AM REALLY SORRY TO SEE YOU GO YOUR THE BEST GODDESS.
ANGELA
Yeah yeah yeah yeah Glory Hallelujah, NEXT.
There are a few people I know who badmouth you all the time. What should I do about these little pissants?
Jenn
Dear Jenn,
I find a good right-cross to the jaw works wonders in such situations.
GC
Goddess Callisto,
As one of your loyal subjects I feel honored to be asking you a question,
problem is I don't know what to ask. Well, there is this one thing I wanted to
ask you. Here goes, why don't you just kick Ares butt and get it over with! I
mean, every time your fighting him it seems that your on the losing side. Is
this just a trick and when he lets his guard down you'll really start beating
him down?
Your loyal subject and number one fan,
GC: (screams!) I WILL NOT BE HOBBLED! (Vanishes)
dear readers - on behalf of Oddity Twin Productions, the bard to the Goddess Callisto would like to submit this friendly reminder - The Goddess is an enthusiast and bonafide connoisseur of the motion picture productions of one Mr Stephen King. Recently she went on a 7 day marathon viewing of such works of fiction as Misery, The Shinning, Cojo, Carrie, IT, and The Tommyknockers. Thus it is highly recommended that future correspondence with the Goddess forgo the use of such terms as "number one fan," "twinning," "shinning," "rabies," "prom," "clowns," and/or "Jimmy Smits." We thank you for your time and understanding in this matter.
Ps. We would like to offer our deepest apologies to one loyal subject - Amanda - if only we had gotten this notice out two seconds earlier....*sigh*
Dearest Warrior Goddess, I was very disturbed when I saw Xena stab you with the Hind's blood dagger. My life is devoted to your service and I will have no reason for living if you are gone. Is it really true? Please don't let it be true.
Your humble and devoted servant,
Dear Anti-Hind,
If I were dead could I do this?
*THWAP*
Or this?
*SMACK*
or even this?
*PING*
MM: stop it goddess.
GC: baby.
your servant and wannabe nina
Dear Nina,
If I were dead could I do this?
MM: (whimper)
*THWAP*
Kosh the disgruntled Vorlon
Dear Kosh -
Do I look like a gas station attendant? Get your own damn fuel! Let me ask you this - Have you ever seen a disgruntled Goddess? Would you like too?
Rapidly growing Disgruntled Goddess
if you had a Monster Truck what would you do with it?
dude with a Monster truck
Dude,
What kind of monster? And can it drive a stick? Come on - work with me people.
Goddess Callisto
I have a question for you, after recently dissecting a frog in biology class, I realized that we have a lot of mutalated frogs left over, I was wondering if you would like them or if I should just leave them in the Temple.
Troubled In Biology
Dear Troubled,
Why in Tartarus would I want a bunch a mutilated frogs? What sort of freak do you think I am?
The Goddess
Ps I'll have the bard collect them in the morning.
I am just talking, one goddess to another, here, but, I know a certian Callisto wannabe that has gone too far. You see, she is claiming to be you. And it is really getting on my nerves because I know it is one big, stupid act. I would fry her now, but her injury is to a fellow goddess, so I thought I would at least pay you the courtesy of asking first. So do you think I should:
Kyra, Goddess of Vengeance
Dear Kyra,
D.
Goddess Callisto
well I was just watching xe...er the don's show and well WHAT exactly did u mean "toying with" (if ya ask me its flirting....but ya didnt so..) oh as for my question.....hmmm well actualy I have 2. 1) when rocks fall why dont u just teleport away instead of screaming and letting them fall on u? 2) why am I here? well that I guess concludes my questions
your loyal worshiper, follower,fan,and wanna be..
*exasperated sigh* hello Nina -
Have you never heard of a little thing called counting? You say you have 2 questions but you ask three. So rather than answering any of them I'm gonna slip you a piece of advice instead. There is a little show on PBS called Sesame Street. It has all kinds of furry hand puppets on it...
GC: what's that bard? (Rolls her eyes) Whatever.
It has all kinds of furry hand MUPPETS on it and some plastic ones too, some of them like to eat cookies but some of them live in trash cans...Uhm...anyway it is sponsored by letters and numbers. I'm not sure if the number 3 is coming up or not (it's a killer episode, I highly recommend it) but I suggest you find out and look into it.
The Goddess
Dear Goddess,
I've noticed your wardrobe is amazing ... Where do you shop?
Looking for Leather
The Gap - For Warriors. Where else?
GC
I would like to know whether or not you are married, mistress. I am just a single peasant who wishes nothing more than to bask in her holiness' glory. That is all I have for you at this time. Thank you for hearing me.
Matt J.
Dear Matt,
Does the word - Perdicus - mean anything to you?
The Goddess
hello are you really there
aksch98
GC: (Blank stare) next question.
Dear goddess:
are u movin to the silver screen 2 slay some villagers and gods there 2.
Don Vito Corleone
Dear Don Vito,
y r u b-4 99 2 pissant 2?
The Goddess
MM: I think you misunderstood his use of numb...er...good answer Goddess.
DEAR GODDESS,
HELLO YOU ARE A GOD YOU CAN GO ON MT OLYMPUS AND MET THE OTHER EVIL GODS. WHY DON'T YOU ? CALLISTO CAN PLOT THING WITH HERA AND GET INVOLVED WITH ZEUS. AND RULE OR JUST BE MORE EVIL. ALSO WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO BRING BACK VALASKA AND TEAM UP WITH (HOPE) TOGETHER YOU CAN GET REVENGE AGAINST XENA!!!!!!!!!! GABRIELLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE AMAZONS?
QUINTON M.
GC: Bard, tell me he is not shouting at me.
MM: uh...he's not shouting at you.
GC: *SMACK* don't lie. Where did you say he lived again?
MM: I didn't.
GC: never mind I'll find him myself (mutters something about a Goddess' work never being done) *vanish*
Dear Goddess,
I know I shouldn't be one to care, much less complain, but this is serious. With a little less than two months of school left, I find myself in somewhat of a predicament... you see, there's a certain PreCalculus teacher (iksnimaK .srM, spelled backwards, and who probably wishes to remain anonymous--oops!) who obviously has a death wish. On several occasions have I found myself this close --><-- to casting a bolt of hot plasma at her. So far, I have managed to restrain myself, however, as the end of the year approaches, I'm beginning to wonder how much longer I can hold out before the rest of the class finds out that there's one of us among them.
So you've got to help me out. Her address and Mortal Identification Number are [****DON'T EVEN TRY, MORTAL EYE! GODS AND GODDESSES ONLY!****]. Something *must* be done.
Faithfully yours,
Dear Mad Catter,
You lazy bastard. (And of course I mean that in the most flattering way.) Don't feed me that line about not wanting your Godhood uncovered. I know you too well. You are just too apathetic to do anything constructive about the situation yourself. No doubt your plasma shooting powers have rusted clean through from lack of use. Well I refuse to be your enabler, no sir, not gonna happen - won't do it.
However, if this particular instructor just happened to wander in front of me I might be inclined to knock her on her hinder, just for the heck of it. But rest assure it would have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you are a Cirran, a loyal worshiper, or a fellow deity.
The Goddess
Dear Callisto: The Goddess of the world, The ruler of the universe, and my favorite enemy of Xena,
I was wondering if you could tell me why you killed Strife, Ares's nephew. I know that he is annoying but why did you do it?
With most evil sincerity,
GC: (shrug)
Dear Goddess Callisto,
I wanted to ask you a question. That's why I'm here. Do not hate Xena anymore because in a recent ep of Hercules, you killed your parents and sister. So do you hate yourself now? You no longer have reason to pissed-off (Am I allowed to say that?) at Xena. I like you a tad, but Xena is number one on my chart. I would like you more if you didn't aid in killing Xena's son. And by the way, I don't live in Cirra. I live in New Xenaland! Battle On....XENA!!!
-Xena es mi amor
Dear Mackenize,
It is apparent to me that you must have some kind of death wish or something. And not the healthy kind either. But one, that for some inexplicable reason, makes you exclaim things like "Xena es mi amor" and "Xena is number one on my chart." Perhaps it is some unfortunate form of Turrets syndrome? amor,
hi this is nina errr a Callisto wanna be again
I have several questions for you: 1) why why why cant I have any ambrosia? 2) how do I become a well know phyc.... I mean misunderstood person just like you? 3) I have been a loyal follower of you since the begging and I want to say those dumb herc writers didn't do you justice they messed everything up... are you going to dispose of them if so can I help? 4) when are you going to kill Ares and can I be a bard for you I can take care of Melissa heh heh.... please don't hurt me if I have offended you.......
well I'll go now goddess Callisto
My dearest wanna be,
You poor poor pathetic misguided fool, do you have ANY idea how irritated it makes me to have to repeat myself? Hmmmm? *sigh* But because you seem to be a loyal follower I will give you one more chance. Ok, ok that and I am really tired....you would not believe the number of beatings I must administer in a single day...(mutter) A Goddess' work is never done. Anyway to REPEAT: Nobody gets any ambrosia BECAUSE there can be only one blood thirsty Ambrosia Goddess - and that's me. Well there's Velasca but she seems to be trapped in a lava pit at the moment so in effect, she doesn't count. As to the second question, it takes pain and lots of it - you've got to have your guts ripped out (metaphorically of course, tho I can always help you out in the literal sense), your heart stomped (again metaphorical), and your hope destroyed (your hope not Gabby's Hope that's another matter entirely). 3) well what do you expect from a bunch of bards? Pathetic. 4) Can you see that that is two separate questions? The answers are no and no...in no particular order. And finally as to your plea.....I offer a suggestion....run away run away little wanna be.
GC
dear goddess Callisto
hi this is nina again and I was just wondering um.... well I have been watching some of your eps post godem and I must say you were way more cooler than, nways um I was wondering are you like attracted to xena...I mean the destroyer of nations or something cause it looks like when you guys fight your flirting maybe I am just seeing things but hey.... and it looks like you liked it when xena hit ya well um that's all.
nina
GC: *cough cough* ::blush:: I hate her.
Dear Goddess,
I really admire you. I can kind of scream and laugh like you. But then, I wanna practice some fighting on warlords... and XENA. I think I'm ready... will you teach me the rest or will the gods try? What should I do?
CALLISTO WANNABE II
GC: (blank stare) (breaks out into hysterical fit of laughter)
It would take Martha Stewart and two gallons of soda water 45 minutes to remove the Dr Pepper stains from the bard.
dear goddess Callisto
why were you working for that little punk girl of Gabrielle's? why didn't you just kill her and not worry about dahak I thought it was kinda demeaning.....just kinda.... but what does it matter what I think humble servant
nina
Look Nina - you are pressing your luck. Besides you already answered your own question. Now be gone.
Goddess Callisto
Dear Goddess,
I am here to grovel at your feet! Actually, I have this problem! (Don't get me wrong or anything. I will grovel at your feet if it is your desire) Anyway, here's my prob (other than my lack of brain cells): Strife won't leave me alone and he's starting to get Discord to taunt me too. How do I get them to leave me alone?? Suggestions?
Girl who knew you in childhood at Cirra,
Ciraletta
Dear Ciraletta,
Are you by chance writing from Tartarus? Because if Strife is bothering you, your problems must extend beyond the world of the living or they are of the sort that only a good psychotherapist can help you with. Well that, or a blunt object to the head...same difference really, one method is just quicker...not to mention cheaper.
Goddess Callisto
The recent el Nino storms have caused a proliferation of religious types trying to save my soul before the End-of- the-World deluge. Any advice on how to curb this infestation?
Desperately Agnostic
Dear Agnostic,
Am I to assume by your signature that you are not one of my followers, worshiping the very ground that I walk on? Bad move - very bad.
oh! and I find that there is almost nothing a good can of Raid (tm) won't take care of.
The Goddess
Dear Queen Goddess,
I, a forever humble servant to your every need, has a question. There is a guy I know. He claims he could take you on any day, despite objection on my part, and he thinks you are just plain stupid. Any suggestions on how I should teach him differently?
Wondering in Tartarus,
Dear Wondering,
Wonder no more. Send the boy my way. (BEG) "here piggy piggy piggy"
Goddess Callisto
Dear BadgeBoy,
Dear Warrior Queen\Goddess Callisto,
Tabetha
Dear Tabetha
Wow, you sure are chock full of questions aren't you? (mental note: not quite as bothersome as Melissa)
2. For once and forever, Xena, the real Xena, the one I've obviously outlived, did not kill me there in the temple nor ever. But if she would have, there is only One Callisto, and no one could ever take my place. So, no, no successor.
3. Ares? Have you've been eating red meat again? Let me tell you something, when Mister Big and Nasty takes you out on a date and his idea of amusement is to pull a live dove from his chest hair -- the relationship isn't going anywhere NEAR a place where a child can happen.
Dear Goddess Callisto,
If you were mortal once again what would you do? I was reading a story about
you someone wrote and it said that there was a god more superior then Zeus
himself. is that true? I think it was Draxxy. Something like that. O well. I
was wondering Would you ever fall in love with a guy that worshiped you to where
he would die for you cause I know someone like that. is there any possible way
to meet you without having to loose your life? IF U DON"T ANSWER THEN o well.
I'll figure it out 1 day. he he he.
Dear Wondering,
Dear goddess Callisto,
Dear Tartarus,
Well I was wondering if you have ever heard the saying "Forgive and forget" It
seems everyone has forgiven Xena for her past deeds why can't you? You guys
could become best friends or something Xena is a very likable person. You could
go shopping and stuff with her maybe then she wouldn't end your existence with
that blood stained dagger.... Well I have always thought of you as the second best and always will cause Xena is way better than you will ever be she has her own show... bring on your wrath
I can take it.
Hrmmmm, looks like Mister/Miz "Bring it on" needs to hide in Anonymity. I have a question, has Xena ever forgiven me? or Cortese? or the Horde? or Hope? or Dahak? or Ares? Or Caesar? Or even Gabrielle for that matter? Hmmmm? It seems that your Miss Thang can take a lesson in forgiving her adversaries as well. Oh I forgot, she doesn't have to, she can let them drown in sand, die of thirst, drag them behind her horse, drop them into lava, or toss them off a cliff.
Dear goddess Callisto,
Dear Man in the Woods.
Dear goddess,
Does this guy have a name that sounds like "Boxer"? And didn't I already write to you? (arched eyebrow)
Dear Goddess,
Dear Goddess,
Dear Goddess,
Dear Goddess,
Amanda
Dear Goddess,
Anti-Hind
goddess....Goddesss?????? GODDESS? ARE U ALIVE??????? (please say yes please say yes please say yes)ohwhats going on how could this happen????the walls of reality are crumbling at my feet...aghhhhh...*breath*breath* (in a state of frenzy and in a very close similation to is there a doctoer in the house) dont leave me dont u leave me goddess *sob* well if your ok um.....how?
ps oy! the rocks again
For the third time for some reason a vorlon asks nicely my ship is rusting in the Cirran space dock because a certain goddess didn't refuel her. You asked me to steal the Defiant and I did now will you please refuel it the dock masters say they can't find the type of fuel she takes NOW FIND ME SOME FUEL please will you I'll bomb the amazons for you if you do.
Dear Goddess,
Goddess, Your Greatest Goddess in the Known World,
Dear Goddess Callisto,
A. Fry her ASAP!
B. Administer sharp blow to the head to knock some sense into her tiny deluded skull.
C. Leave the pleasure of doing whatever it is that you would do to her to you.
HIIIIIIIEEEE
THIS is nina again =)
NINA
The Mad Catter, God of Apathy
Your biggest fan
Mackenize
Goddess Callisto
your fan admirer etc. nina errr Callisto wanna be
Cally
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