Columbo, The Search For Balls
"I have interviewed several men who are concerned that such a thing could happen
in this day and age of abundance and prosperity of balls.
Here's what they had to say:"
"I have interviewed several men who are concerned that such a thing could happen
in this day and age of abundance and prosperity of balls.
Here's what they had to say:"
"As you can see sir, they're plainly gone."
"I...I cannot look....It's too...disturbing, too...shocking."
"Yes sir, I know, it is for me as well,...but could you tell me anything about these women."
"Lieutenant, I saw a woman wearing a hat."
"Is that it?"
"She was running."
"Anything else sir? It would be really helpful."
"Yes. Yes, there is something more. She had small bag in her hand."
"Thank you. You've been a big help."
"We can play pool later sir. I'm looking for a woman who stole balls."
"As you can see Lieutenant, I have my own balls. I do not need anyone else's pitiful balls."
"About the woman, sir. Whom do you suspect?"
"Well Columbo, I suspect it could be any woman, of course. With me being so charming and debonaire, I suspect all women and fear for my balls all the time."
"No doubt sir."
"Uhh...Mr. President. Can you tell me about women. Uh,...uh. What meant to say is that,... uh,.. I'm sorry Mr President. I'm very nervous. Its this case sir. It's got me all shook up. I was thinking...a person in your position...and the positions you've been in...you might be able to help me. I'm looking for balls, and I don't know where to find them."
"Well, I'll tell you Frank. In my experience,... if you leave them alone, they'll come home, wagging the tails behind them."
"Sir?"
"Look. Here come my balls right now Frank, wagging their tails behind them."
"Thank you, sir. As usual, you are of no help."
"Just doing my job Frank."
"You know Columbo, this bugs the hell out me!"
"What's that sir?"
"Back in my day, women wore chastity belts. Today, there's my invention."
"That's fine, sir. But I'm looking for balls and I fail to see how this could help the case."
"Don't be such a dullard Lieutenant! If your client had been wearing one of my anti-ball snatching belts, this would never have happened in the first place."
"I see sir. Thanks very much. May I try one on?"
"Of course Lieutenant."
"Mmm. I don't like it sir. My wife wouldn't either. She's very gentle with my balls, you know. This thing makes me itch."
"Maybe if I wore a disguise. No. I never wore one on the series, why start now."
"I just said a disguise won't work."
"Well, Columbo. The secret is in the sauce."
"Sir. Your ball recipes are of no help to me. I need clues, not sauce!"
"Yes Lieutenant. That's the woman. She looks good holding balls!"
"I wouldn't recommend it sir."
"Probably not, but it does look like it would feel good."
"Excuse me sir, I'm looking for balls. I think one of these women did it. Could you help me out."
"Lieutenant, that woman in the hat looks very suspicious to me."
"Uh. Which one sir?"
"I can tell you that it was certainly not my drunken wife, Lieutenant, whom you have already spoken to. I am not going to do your work for you."
"Thank you sir. I'll check it out."
"Excuse me, Shiek Leaky? I'm looking for balls. What about your dancer?"
"I can assure you Columbo that my dancer, Charro-ella, did not take any balls. None of my thirty wives has taken any balls, but my own. It means death if they do."
"Thank you Sheik. That clears that up very nicely."
"And then she had her hands..."
"Excuse me sir. I need to wrap up this case. I'm due at the university."
There have been searchers for balls.