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Scene IV: Airport
[DUNCAN and RICHIE enter from the left. JOE is at the customs counter on the right with a coffin.]
DUNCAN: "There he is!"
JOE: "Mac! Richie! What a surprise! I wasn't expecting a send-off."
RICHIE: "Hi Joe."
DUNCAN (angrily): "Did you really think we wouldn't find out?"
JOE: "Find out what?"
DUNCAN: "Horton! They told us at the cemetery that you had him exhumed."
JOE: "We had him exhumed over a year ago and shipped him back to the States."
DUNCAN: "Then who's in the coffin?"
[DUNCAN starts to pry open the coffin as RICHIE tries to stop him.]
[Under a red spotlight to the left of stage throughout this scene, unseen by the others, HORTON in full Zorro garb is dancing the flamenco to music softly playing in the background.]
JOE (to Richie): "What's going on?"
RICHIE: "Is insanity contagious? We ran into some crazy old coot and Mac's been acting off his nut ever since."
[DUNCAN knocks over the coffin as it opens. Out spill hundreds of Rolos, Lion Bars, Malteasers, and Swiss chocolate bars. JOE hides his head under his hand. HORTON applauds.]
RICHIE: "My GOD! A chocoholic's dream!"
[RICHIE reaches for a Lion Bar, but snatches his hand back as Joe's cane connects with it.]
DUNCAN: "What's this?"
JOE: "It WAS my best chance of getting a fortune in chocolate home without paying duty, but you ruined THAT!"
DUNCAN: "Where's Horton?"
[On the other side of stage, still unnoticed, HORTON waves at DUNCAN and throws him a kiss.]
JOE: "I told you. Pushing up daisies in Lakeside Cemetary in Chicago!"
[The customs officials come out and start counting chocolate bars.]
JOE: "Richie, get him out of here before I take his head myself!"
[HORTON stomps a triumphant finale to his dance as RICHIE hustles DUNCAN out and the lights go down.]
~~~~~
Scene V: Duncan's Barge
[DUNCAN is alone brooding. Fog starts pouring in and a red light comes up on the far side of the stage revealing KRONOS in Zorro garb going through Duncan's CD collection.]
KRONOS: "Opera." [tosses CD
over shoulder]
"Opera." [tosses CD over other shoulder]
"Opera, opera, opera.
And Methos said I had a one-track mind!" [knocks a whole
stack over]
DUNCAN (whispers in shock): "Kronos?"
KRONOS [still tossing CDs]: "Boring. Boring. Boring. Where's the Marilyn Manson? The Twisted Sister? The Dead Kennedies?"
DUNCAN: "Kronos!"
KRONOS: "That's my name. Suprised to see me? Aren't you even going to say hello?"
DUNCAN (still somewhat stunned): "Hello?!"
KRONOS (singing to the tune of "Hello Dolly" from "Hello Dolly!"):
"Hello, Duncan!
Yes, hello, Duncan!
It's so nice to be back here where I belong.
I'm doing swell, Duncan.
Back from hell, Duncan.
I'm still crowing. Still controlling. I'm still going strong.
You feel the barge swaying,
While the fog's playing,
One of your old favorite foes from way back when.
So, take a seat, Duncan.
Hope you can take the heat, Duncan!
Kronos will never go away again!
"I said hello, Duncan.
Yes, hello, Duncan
Bet you'd seen the last of me, you thought for sure.
You took my head, Duncan.
Thought me dead, Duncan.
But I'm back here and you're never gonna find a cure!
You hear what I'm saying.
Better start praying,
Cause I'm gonna fill your life with endless pain!
Oh! Golly gee, Duncan!
You'll see a lot of me, Duncan!
Kronos will never go away...
Duncan, I'll never go away...
Kronos will never go away A-GAIN!"
[DUNCAN is about to take a sword to KRONOS when KRONOS disappears through a trap door in a puff of red fog.]
~~~~~
Scene VI: Allison's apartment
[DUNCAN and ALLISON are watching LANDRY's last video tape.]
ALLISON: "So, what do you think?"
DUNCAN: "I still don't think 'America's Funniest Home Videos' would be interested."
ALLISON: "No? Rats."
DUNCAN: "So, Allison, your Grandfather is -er- was an archeologist?"
ALLISON: "Yes. Ancient weapons and hokey religions, the whole bit."
DUNCAN: "And he specialized in ancient mysteries and millennium myths?"
ALLISON: "Yes. But he hated the television show."
DUNCAN: "What show - 'Ancient Mysteries'?"
ALLISON: "No, 'Millennium'. Said they had it all wrong."
DUNCAN: "Uh, yeah... So, how'd he get my name?"
ALLISON: "It was here in his journal." [She hands him a large old book.]"It was in the section where he was translating some old hieroglyphics."
[DUNCAN pages through the journal.]
DUNCAN (reading): "Kronos, Hate you. Hate horses. I'm taking Cassan-"
ALLISON (interrupting): "No, that's too early. Those hieroglyphics are about 3000 years old. You want the ones from a 1000 years ago."
[DUNCAN flips through several more pages.]
DUNCAN (reading): "For a good time contact Amanda at -"
ALLISON (interrupting once again): "Next page."
DUNCAN [flipping page]: "Every thousand years, the Ultimate Evil wakes from his wretched hive of scum and villainy and comes forth to fight the Champion of Good. The next Champion of Good is..." [DUNCAN looks up.]"The name has been scratched out. Looks like it starts with an R, but I can't read anything past the first letter." [DUNCAN squints at the page.]"A new one's been scribbled in, though. DunKan MaK'Leod. God! This handwriting is terrible!"
ALLISON (shrugging): "Once you've got tenure, no one critiques your penmanship."
DUNCAN: "Could I borrow this? Maybe I could make some sense of all this."
ALLISON: "Of course."
[DUNCAN leaves with the book.]
ALLISON (in whiny voice): "Of course, take the only thing I inherited from Grandpa. What do I care?"
[ALLISON spins to see LANDRY.]
ALLISON: "GRANDPA! But you're dead!"
LANDRY (singing to the tune of "I am the Very Model" from "Pirates of Penzance" by W.S. Gilbert & Arthur Sullivan):
"I am the evil
model of your much beloved grandfather.
I really cannot stay long, so you really shouldn't bother.
I'm gonna tell you something that you'll find most unbelievable.
I'm the ultimate in evil with plans really disagreeable.
I know all of the legends cuniform and hieroglyphical,
I really must now tell you that they were not merely mythical.
Total world domination is just part of what I hope to gain...
I have more schemes for conquest than those rodents Pinky and the
Brain!"
UNSEEN CHORUS(singing):
"He has more
schemes for conquest than those rodents Pinky and the Brain!
He has more schemes for conquest than those rodents Pinky and the
Brain!
He has more schemes for conquest than those rodents Pinky, Pinky,
and the Brain!"
LANDRY (singing):
"I'm very good at
subterfuge, illusion, and distra -action.
I really must be leaving or I'll miss out on the a-action.
Remember as I kill you in a most alarming fa-ashion,
I am the incarnation of the evil Zorro Astrian!
UNSEEN CHORUS (singing):
Remember as he kills
you in a most alarming fa-ashion,
He is the incarnation of the evil Zorro Astrian!
LANDRY (spoken): "Cue the special effects!"
[The lights flash. Smoke and flames erupt around the stage. The special effects man laughs maniacally offstage as the budget master cries. LANDRY attacks ALLISON with his sword and she collapses as the stage fills with fog and the lights go out.]