Welcome to our establishment. As you can see, it is not quite like another
famous bookstore. We are much more careful and do not allow
incriminating computer disks to get lost in our basement!
We are your hostesses for a tour de force of great titles and authors
from the Highlander Universe. Of course, this is all parody; none of
the titles, publishers, and authors really exist, and all Highlander
names and characters belong to Rysher, Davis Panzer, or Gaumont. We are
just playing and mean no harm.
Please, won't you step inside?
[Our awe-struck visitors enter the room. To the back left side, in Café
Darius, a line stretches in front of one of the small tables. Darius is
there, signing copies of his great new bestseller, "The Ultimate Tea
Handbook." When he develops writer's cramp, Emily crosses the room to
lend him a hand: Xavier's hand.]
[Emily stands near Darius and reads aloud from the latest rave review
for his book, as Darius smiles and nods and helps himself to more tea.]
Emily: "And, of course, our signing book: 'The Ultimate Tea Handbook'
by Darius: Everything you ever wanted to know about that most wonderful
of hot beverages, tea. Learn how to mix blends to cure what ails you.
You'll love reading about Darius' many adventures, and about how the
right blend of tea and sympathy has enabled him to keep his wits about
him. Four stars and two thumbs up" (Darius at that moment waves from
across the room, while holding Xavier's hand). "Yes, definitely two
thumbs up."
[She smiles at Darius, then goes to greet the new arrivals. Pushing her
wire-rimmed glasses up on her gray hair--just kidding, Emily's in
college--she addresses the new guests.] Note to Guests: Listen
carefully here and learn how you can interactively participate in the
Reading Room!
Emily: "Welcome. Come join the book signing and have some refreshments
while you wait. Or perhaps you would like to just relax?" [She gestures
to a large overstuffed chair and sofa , then continues.]
"See the adjacent beautiful and peaceful ancient burial ground? Those
with swords particularly love this seating area, since holy ground is
only a few short steps away through the picture windows."
[Several people smile. One guy with a long duster sits and takes a book
from in the bookshelf by the sofa. ]
Emily: "This is our bookshelf featuring the 'Selection of the Month',
the 'Alternate of the Month,' and 'Today's Specials.' Our materials
below highlight these and the other sections of the shop. In each area
one book is highlighted. In addition, our famous reviewer 'Alistair
Cheryl,' sitting over there in the 'State your peace, rater' chair,
will be happy to give you her own reviews or read comments aloud from
some of our previous guests.
"You can join in the fun here by giving us your choice for the Alternate
Selection of the Month and your reason why, giving, if you like, your
own pretend excerpt. Make up your own choice, or select one from the
bookshelves below.
"Remember, use only fake titles and characters and play nice! Please
post your choice to the ng and put in your subject line: VR Reading
Room. Keep your post PG. Thanks!
[The guests start browsing. Here is what they find in shelves arranged
from right to left :]
The Bookshelves of the Reading Room
Travel: Some featured books are:
"Holy Ground: An Immortal's Best Vacation Spot"
"All You Ever Wanted to Know About Trains," by Mikey
"Sit Down; You're Rocking the Boat," by Connor MacLeod
"Don't Go Roaming in the Mountains by Yourself" by Tessa Noel
*"Methos' World Travel Guide: Including Specials to New Zealand, Bora
Bora, and Katmandu"
Excerpt from the book jacket: "A must for finding out what
places look good this time of year!"
Our in-house review: "Buy this book because the alternative is
unthinkable! Don't worry if you can't afford it now. Live, work
harder, buy another day!"
Food and Drink: Featuring the following:
"Fitzcarin's Guide to Wine, Women, and Song," by Hugh Fitzcarin
*"Cavier: Xavier's Way," by Xavier St. Cloud
Excerpt from the book jacket: "A must read! Just like Xavier, caviar drives me crazy and I can't help myself"
Music: Featuring the following:
"From Bach and Beethoven to the Beatles" by Kalas.
Excerpt from the book jacket: "Join Kalas as he takes you from the
lowest lows to the highest highs, introducing you to some of the most
influential musicians of all times. Learn the real secrets of their
rise to fame."
Our featured alternate:
"Opera's Awful; Queen and Springsteen Rule," by Methos
Psychology/Self-Help: One of our largest and most popular sections:
"Pimp Daddy Mac's Guide to Having All the Fun and Most of the Good
Women" by Duncan MacLeod
"I'm Here, Now Goodbye: A Modern Woman's Guide on How to Poke, Pry, Prod
and Question Your
Man," by Dr. Anne Lindsey
Excerpt from the book jacket: "Wonderful advice. Why, I tried her
method of dangling a baby before
a man's eyes and then snatching it away, and it worked! I got a
free house out of it too!"
"How to Do Everything but Watch," by Joe Dawson (Featured in a boxed
set with "How to Tell the Difference Between Goat and Sheep Paths")
"How to Never Find Yourself" by Adam Pierson
Our subcategory, abnormal psychology:
"The Proper Way to Blackmail: Make Two Copies of the Tapes," by
Robert Waverly in "Blackmail"
"You Think Me Such a Monster," by Kristin Gilles
"Don't Call Me Lefty," by Xavier St. Cloud
And now for our FEATURE BOOK of the whole Psychology/Self-Help section:
"How to Properly Use a Phone to Get Your Message Across Before You Get
Stabbed or Otherwise Die,"
by our own co-proprietor Emily.
[We shift to Cheryl in the "State Your Peace, Rater" chair, where
she reads aloud from Emily's book:]
Cheryl: "Here on page 50, Emily says, "Never make a phone call from an
evil one's lair unless you know the evil one is gone. And if you just
must do this, the first words out of your mouth should be the LOCATION
of the lair! Really, people, this is pretty basic if you want to stay
alive."
Cheryl adjusts her glasses and continues: "Here's a great tip. If you
get a strange phone call from a friend claiming he has just seen someone
who is actually standing right next to you, what should you do? Well,
first inform your friend that the person is right beside you! Think
ahead, people, and save some lives!"
[Cheryl shifts her legs on the footstool.. Several people watch and nod
in agreement. The "Head's Up" footstool resembles Richie's head. Too
bad someone didn't handle *his* phone call better!]
[Now, moving along in the shelves, we find:]
Beauty:
"Dammit, I Chipped A Nail," by Cassandra
Excerpt from the book jacket: " Have you ever wanted your nails to
look perfectly French manicured, no matter whether you are in the Bronze
Age, roaming the Highlands of Scotland, or even just at the office? If
so, then you must buy this book!"
Historical Romance:
"The Brawny MacLeods, " by Amanda LeMarsh
[We shift to the reviewer's area. Cheryl reads a guest review of this
book.]
Cheryl: Here's alert reader Wendy's review of "The Brawny MacLeod's:
"This lively, hysterical. . .er, historical romance follows the
adventures of a young Scotsman from the 16th century to the present.
What an adventure it is! Why, in the first forty pages alone, he dies
twice and is revived. He falls for a lovely girl, but she falls too
hard and long for him! You'll love the hero's muscles of steel and eyes
like dark coal. . . or was that eyes of steels and muscles like. . . oh,
never mind. This book rates a 5.7 out of a possible 6."
[Cheryl looks up from her paper and smiles.] "Great work, Wendy! For
that review you will receive a VR coupon good for one VR mocha latte,
with extra whipped cream and chocolate powder, at Café Darius."
[Now we continue to move along in the shelves:]
Autobiography/Biography:
"It's Good to Be a Myth: An Autobiography" by Methos
Excerpt from book jacket: "Read about a man born long before the age
of chivalry. Learn his standard responses perfected over many
centuries. Find out the real reason he doesn't take heads on Tuesdays.
Hear about the great practical joke Kronos and his gang played on
Methos. " ("I can't believe Methos fell for our gag! We told him that
the freaky black hair looked cool and that everyone was painting their
faces blue! Silas and Caspian have been laughing behind his back for
days now!"--quote from Kronos' diary)
"Die, Kenny, Die" by ATH, Frank Brody, and Dallman Ross
"We Observe and Record But Never Interfere; Yeah Right: The True
Stories of a Watcher in the Field,"
by Joe Dawson
"I May be a Whore and a Thief, But I Was Never Cheap or French!
The Continuing Saga of a 1100
Year Old Immortal," by Amanda
"The Benefits of Black Leather, Motorcycles, Memory Loss,
Crossbows, Guns, Kama Sutra, and
Revenge: Our Brief Lives with Highlander," by the Spinoff Chicks
Now on to the Science Section:
Brought to you by "The Tome is Ripe" Books: "The Mysterious
Dopplegangers, Clones, Twins,
and Look Alikes":
Excerpt from book jacket: "Explore the similarities between a
terrorist and Lorca the fake god.
Why does Luther and the orderly from Patient #7 look so much alike?
Are Nicholas Ward and
Robert de Valincourt twins separated at birth? Many many more
interesting resemblances
explored in this great volume."
Emily: "And finally we end where we began, near the sofa, at the
bookshelf that features the Selection of the Month, Alternate
Selection, and Today's Specials. Let's all crowd around and take a
look."
[As Emily leads the crowd toward him, the duster-clad man sitting on the
sofa gets up and moves away. ]
Emily: "Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Grayson, sir. Anyway, everybody, here
they are:"
SELECTION OF THE MONTH:
"Eternity for Dummies: An Immortal's Handbook"
So you've just died and come back to life. Now what? Well, if you have
life insurance, cash it in! Now please read on for a summary of
chapters.
Chapter 1: There Can Be Only One: the #1 Rule
Chapter 2: What is the Only Way You Can Die? (Don't lose your head
looking for the answer; find it here.)
Chapter 3: Holy Ground: Relax and Stay Awhile
Chapter 4: Never Underestimate an Opponent: Where to Go to Learn How to
Fight. (Includes a postscript on ducking by the late Richie Ryan)
Chapter 5: You Cannot Interfere: Honorable Ways to Fight
Chapter 6: Avoiding Those Whose Names Begin with 'K': Why This Letter
of the Alphabet is Hazardous to Your Health
Chapter 7: Avoiding Frequent Relocations by Not Dying in Public
Chapter 8: Avoiding Messy Cleanups by Keeping Quickenings Away from Your
Home and by Reducing the Glass and Bric a Brac in Your Home (includes
appendix: choosing the right home owner's policy)
Chapter 9: Child Immortals and Why Raising Them Should Be Someone Else's
Job
Chapter 10: Picking Your Battle Locations (subtitled, Never Fight Near
Trains or Boat Propellers)
If you buy "Eternity for Dummies" today, you will receive absolutely
free the companion volume, "Quickenings for Dummies," plus a coupon good
for two cans of "Quickenings in a Can" available here at the Café Darius take out
section or in the Dealer's Room. Have fun!
Folks, there's more, much more, but we're out of room. Keep browsing and
please help us make this interactive by adding your own post on the ng
(keeping all material PG). Just follow the instructions we gave you
earlier in this reading room tour.
Thank you for coming; we hope that you've enjoyed your stay.
By GeoCities
