It had been two days since Amanda last seen Cameron. He had come down to Key West and begged her to take him back. Amanda had stubbornly refused. No matter how adamant he was in his profession of love, Amanda was too afraid to open herself up again, to a man who had the power to make her feel. Standing on the balcony overlooking the beach Amanda only had one thought running through her soul, "Feel nothing, remember nothing. It doesn't matter." All day, that thought kept running through her head as Amanda tried to convince herself that she was fine. All through that day, the night, and the next day. As she packed, Amanda tried to set her mind in this way, that nothing mattered. She locked up her house and got in her rental car. Driving to the airport, the car radio started to play U2's song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." As she pulled into the airport parking lot, all Amanda could do is think to herself, "you and me both buddy."

The plane ride was uneventful. Amanda sat in the front of the plane and stared out the window, feeling empty and hallow. She did not see who was in the back of the plane.

Cameron watched Amanda take her seat on the plane. His chest hurt just to look at her. Amanda did not look like herself. She looked tired and sad. He could see from way back where he was that the spark that was always in her eye, whether she was angry, or happy, was just simply not there. It was as if somebody had simply blown out a candle in her soul. He had not left Key West when Amanda had told him too. He had just left her beach house. For two days he had watched her from afar, trying to get up the courage to go back and talk to her. He had failed, "just like you did at everything else in your life punk," he thought to himself. Cameron did note that the seat next to Amanda had remained empty. Taking a deep breath in he got up and started to walk up the aisle when a lady sat down in the seat next to her. "Dammit," he thought. "Amanda, it is not over, it will never be over between us."

The flight lasted 3 painfully long hours for both Amanda and Cameron. Cameron sat and watched Amanda stare out the window with a completely blank stare on her face. The plane landed, Amanda got up and exited her baggage handed to her as she left the airport. Cameron watched and as Amanda left in a cab, he felt as if the life was seeping out of him. A hand touched his shoulder and Cameron turned and looked into the sympathetic eyes of his brother.

"I take it that things did not go well," Gary said.

"No, they didn't. God Gar, if you could have seen the eyes. Her eyes. They looked as if they were dead. The light was gone," Cameron stopped as his voice cracked with emotion. "I hurt her so bad."

"Yes you did. But in some sick twisted way of yours, you were trying to save her from pain. Let me talk to her. Amanda and I have a way. If you eat dirt with someone for 24 hours, you develop a bond. Let me try. Go home, it's late. I won't tell you to sleep, cause I know you won't."

"All right, but Gary, just tell her how sorry I am."

"I will."

"And tell her I never meant to hurt her."

"I will..."

"And tell her I love her."

Gary nodded, unable to speak. Seeing his brother so much in pain was too much for him to bear. There was a time that Gary wouldn't have cared what happened to Cameron. But things were different now. Cameron was Gary's best friend and Amanda was the part that made Cameron whole. They walked to the parking lot. Gary squeezed Cameron's shoulder and turned left and walked to his car. Cameron turned right and walked towards his car. He got in and sighed. The car still had the very faint scent of Amanda's perfume from the last time she sat next to him in the passenger seat. It was the day before they were supposed to depart for Key West. They were doing so early Christmas shopping. Cameron leaned his head back and remembered.......

Amanda was humming "White Christmas" to her self and Cameron was trying not to laugh, she was so off tune. He looked over at her while they were stopped at a red-light. Her beautiful head was bent over a notebook that she was writing gift ideas for people in. His breath caught suddenly in his throat when he realized what was happening. She was here with him. For the first time in his life he felt complete. That was when he knew what he had to do. He had been a screw up his whole life, and he knew that one way or another, with him, Amanda would one day get hurt. Seeing his beautiful Princess sitting next to him, Cameron realized that this would be the last time he would be with her. He was letting her get too close and he was too close to her. When the inevitable happened, and Cameron hurt her, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. He had to end it for her sake.....

Cameron realized, thinking back that that was the biggest mistake of his life. Amanda and he completed each other. One was not whole without the other. Cameron only hoped that it was not too late. "Please God, don't let it be too late." He sighed once more and headed for home.

Across town, Amanda hesitated before turning the handle to go into the house. She knew that it would come out eventually, the fact that Cameron had left her, was something she dreaded having to say out loud to anyone. Steeling herself, she thought "Feel nothing, remember nothing. I doesn't matter." She took a deep breath and went in. Rachel and Matt were standing in the hall and both looked at her with huge smiles. The smiles quickly faded when they saw Amanda. Her blonde hair looked beautiful as ever. She was wearing a hunter green sweater dress and it complemented her wonderfully. However, what Cameron had said about Amanda's eyes was true. Although she did wear a smile on her face, Amanda's eyes betrayed her, they showed her pain.

"What, no hello?" Amanda asked.

"Hello! Welcome back", said Matt.

"Sweetheart you are a sight for sore eyes," declared Rachel as she hugged her daughter. Rachel took a step back and looked in the eyes of her daughter. She sighed inwardly and knew something was horribly wrong. She wanted to talk to Amanda about it privately. However, she didn't have the chance because Matt asked the question.

"Amanda isn't Cameron coming in?"

Amanda once again steeled herself against the pain. She knew that it was pointless to feel anything regarding Cameron. She just laughed and walked into the house. Puzzled Rachel and Matt followed her. They waited patiently and Amanda turned around to face them.

"You might as well know. Cameron left me. I am OK. Please don't worry about me. He came here before we went down to Florida and told me it was over. It was probably for the best, it never would have worked out. It doesn't matter." Amanda quickly changed the subject and her family sensing the fact that she didn't want to discuss it any further, respected her decision. The three of them made small talk for about 15 minutes before Amanda said good night and went upstairs.

When she got into her room, Amanda shut the door and sank to the floor. The room was spinning. Her breath hurt her, and she could hear Cameron's voice in her head. Tears came and Amanda let them. "What does it matter if I cry here? Just don't let them see your hurt. Don't let them know you allowed him to make you feel. Show nothing."

Amanda sat there on her floor and cried. She cried not only for what had happened leading up to Key West and the fact that she missed Cameron so much she could hardly breath, but she cried because she was lonely. For the first time in her life, the short time she spent with Cameron, she had ceased to feel lonely. Growing up, even with the family that she adored, Amanda had always felt somewhat alone. As she was older, even with Sam, Grant and Evan, she had always felt alone in one way or another. She knew that although she had feelings for all of these men, that they were not the person who could make her feel completely alive and entire. The only other time Amanda had felt whole was when she was pregnant with Ali. She could remember a time when she had been telling her Grandmother Adda that she was lonely. The little blonde haired child of five. Adda had looked down into Amanda's eyes and had said the words that Amanda had kept with her all her life, "my little love, when the night sky has a million stars in it and they are all shinning down upon you, then you will find your missing half." It was that night that she had first meet Cameron on the hill that Amanda had felt whole and she knew that this kind stranger was her missing half. While she sat on the hard floor and as the tears came more and more freely, Amanda knew that Cameron was her other half, and he had left her, he was gone. And that she would now feel lonely for the rest of her life.

Cameron laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling. The alarm went off on his night stand. It was 8:15am. The radio went on and Cameron angrily swiped it to the floor with his hand. He sat up and looked at the area on the bed next to him. The area where Amanda should be waking up every morning now. If only he hadn't done it. He had tried to protect her from himself, and in the end, only succeeded in destroying both of their lives. But there was no time to feel sorry for himself. It was time to get both of theirs lives back on track, in fact it was time to put their lives on one track.

Although it was only 8:15am, Amanda had been up for 4 hours, and here at the office for 2 1/2 hours. She had tossed and turned and had finally fallen asleep around 2am. She dreamt of him. He was there with her, smiling and holding her. She had turned unconsciously in her sleep and had reached over for Cameron. Her hand felt nothing but empty air. She sat up and realized that she had been dreaming and that Cameron was never really there. And he would never be there. She had been unable to go back to sleep after that. She had decided to throw herself into work to try to avoid feeling the pain, the familiar pain of loneliness. In fact she had made some major decisions during that time. Amanda was afraid to see Cameron. She knew that if she was going to allow anyone to see she was in pain, it would be to him. And it was so important that Cameron did not see her feel. There was only one solution. Leave. BRAVA had offices in both Bay City and New York. She would go to New York and run the magazine. It was the only way. No one could see her pain. And in New York, she was a stranger to pretty much everyone. It would be perfect, blend in and disappear. However, it would not be easy to tell her family and friends that she was leaving. It weighed on her mind. She moved through the movements at her desk almost as if she were underwater. It took a flash of blue out of the corner of her eye to make her look up from her work. She smiled at her visitor.

"I knew you would be coming. What took you so long?"

Cameron had been running for about and hour. He ran all through the park and past the hill where he and Amanda first met. He had not stopped but increased his speed. Not knowing where he was going, Cameron took a turn he had never taken before. He chose the left path. "Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll run off a cliff," Cameron thought to himself. He slowed down when he realized where he was. He was at the edge of the cemetery. He could see a large stone in the back of the lawn. He knew who it belonged to and he knew that he owed that person an apology. Cameron walked slowly over to the impressive stone and looked down upon the inscription:

Cameron looked down upon the grave of Amanda's father, a man he had never met and was yet totally intimidated by. All he could say was, "I am so sorry I hurt your daughter. I will get her back, and when I do, I will never, ever let her go again." Cameron's sighed and thought to himself, "yeah right. If Mac Cory was standing here today, her would probably be taking a swing at you right now punk." And yet as he stood there, Cameron felt a hand on his shoulder he turned and looked and no one was there. He looked down at the stone before him and smiled. "I will take care of her. I promise."

"How did you know it was me?"

"Well I knew that you would be here to talk for your brother. Your a good guy Gary," Amanda said.

Gary smiled. Amanda looked tired but yet still beautiful. Her hair, not a wisp out of place. Her make-up, flawless. Her outfit, tasteful and flattering. But Cameron was right about her eyes. They lacked the spark that made Amanda Amanda. "He loves you. He was afraid to let you in. You have to understand how it was when we were kids Amanda. Everything Cameron did, the old man would find fault with. He realized that being with you was the only good thing that he ever did. In some way, Cameron was afraid that you would get hurt and his only way to protect you was to push you away. You see he.... Amanda, are you listening to me?"

No, she wasn't. During Gary's talk, Amanda had left her desk and went to look out the window. She was not looking at the sight before her, but she was looking at the past. The first time that Cameron had ever kissed her on the hill. The first time that she told him that she loved him, and the look of anger on his face. And then the first time that he told her how much he loved her. Every time she had gotten her heart broke, Amanda had survived by telling her self that it didn't matter. She knew that it wasn't meant to be. A tear slid down her cheek and Amanda turned and looked at Gary. Taking a deep breath, she began. "You want to know something? I don't know why I am surprised. It never works out for me. I always think that the next time is going to be different, but it never is. He told me that I was trying to change him. But I swear to you, I never was. I never wanted anything from him except to be with him all the time. I wanted to be part of his world. And it's my fault. I pushed him away." A few more tears slide down her beautiful face and Amanda suddenly became aware that she was allowing someone to see that she was hurting. Annoyed with her self, she wiped the tears from her face and smiled. Gary didn't smile back.

"It was not your fault, and in a way it was not his fault either. Amanda, he loves you. He was trying to protect you. I am not excusing his behavior, but he loves you. Please do not end it here."

"Gary, it's better that it ended here. It doesn't matter. I haven't told anyone yet, so you are the first. I'm leaving. I'm going back to New York. I've been gone too long from the action. It will be better for everyone. I can live my life and Cameron can live his. This is the way it will be. It's all right, really." Amanda turned away and looked out the window again. Gary sighed and turned to leave. He knew that he could not get through to Amanda, that Cameron would have to be the one to break down the walls that she had built around herself. He just hoped that Cameron wouldn't build his own walls.

Walking down the hall at Cory Publishing, Gary looked down at the floor, deep in thought. Not looking where he was going, Gary walked right into Rachel.

"Oh jeez, Rachel, I'm sorry."

Rachel Hutchins smiled and replied, "Gary don't worry about it. Were you with Amanda?"

"Yeah, I was."

"Do you mind telling me what is going on? I wanted to talk to her last night, but she wasn't in the mood. I wanted to speak with her at breakfast, but by the time I got up, Claudia said she was long gone."

"I did try to talk to her. As for telling you what's wrong, well, you better ask her yourself. Try and get her to open up to you, she's bottling it all in and trying to convince herself that she's fine. Make her talk to you."

"Thank you Gary I'll do that." Rachel squeezed his arm and the two turned to part. Suddenly Rachel remembered something. "Oh Gary! I forgot to tell you something. Tonight is the premier party to reintroduce BRAVA. I have invitations here for you, Josie and Cameron."

Gary suddenly realized a plan. A party where both Cameron and Amanda would be. "Rachel, thank you so much!! You don't know what you've just done." Amanda would have to stay at the BRAVA party, she couldn't run away from his brother there. Now to find Cameron and tell him that opportunity was knocking at the door.

CONTINUE