With or Without You
by:
Spin
Chapter 6
New York City Amanda stood by the sink in her apartment starring down at the pregnancy test in her hand. She didn't know what to do. They were together one time, one time. No way, this could not be happening to her again. She had gotten pregnant when she was 15. It had turned out to be a blessing because her daughter Ali had come from it, but it had not been easy. She had been so scared to tell her family. When she did, both they and Sam had tried to be supportive. But in the end, at night, when Ali needed to be fed, or changed or needed anything, it was Amanda and not Sam or anybody else who had taken care of it. That was hard for a 16 year old to handle. Bening married and having a husband and a child relying on her. And after the marriage had ended, even though it was because of her, it had gotten harder. It wasn't exactly like Amanda minded taking care of her daughter, she loved her, it was just difficult to do it with out a support system. And now, here she was, in the same situation. Her and Cameron's child...A child made out of their love. Cameron! Amanda dropped the test in the sink and sat down with her head in her hands on the edge of the tub. What would he say? Would she even have to tell him? "Oh God, what do I do?" Amanda got up from the tub and walked over to the phone. She dialed and raised it to her ear. Her heart was beating, thumping wildly against her ribs. "Hello?" Amanda felt the blood rush to her face, it was so good to hear that raspy, sexy voice again. She opened her mouth and then closed it. Suddenly she realized what she was doing. She quickly hung up and tried to catch her breath. "Okay Amanda, that was jumping the gun a little bit I think. First you have to decide what you are going to do." And that was true. There was no doubt that she was keeping the baby. Adoption or anything else was absolutely out of the question. It was just as much her child that was growing inside her as it was his. But it was his. The father of her child was Cameron Sinclair. He had a right to know, didn't he? She needed help with this one. She put on a pair of shoes, a heavy wool coat and grabbed her keys. St. Gabrielle's Hospital New York City Jamie looked up when he heard the knock on his office door. "Come in." "Hey bro, your little sister needs some help. Got a minute?" Amanda playfully asked. "Hey for you, I got a minute and a little bit more. Amanda have a seat." Amanda did that. She sat down in one of the chairs across from Jamie, who remained seated behind his desk. He could tell that Amanda had something on her mind. He could tell she had something on her mind ever since she came here to the city. But he could also tell that Amanda did not want to admit to herself or to anybody else that she had this worry on her mind, so Jamie didn't push the issue. Amanda fidgeted in her seat. She picked up his nameplate and put it down. She picked up a picture of him and Stephen and put it down. Now, Jamie knew that what ever it was, it was big. She got up and walked to the wall and looked at the pictures there. Jamie followed her with his eyes and had growing concern. She came back down to the chair and sat back down. She felt something at that moment. It was too early to have the kick, of course, but it was at that moment that she felt the first sign of life in her. And it was at that moment that she knew what she had to do. This child was created from both Cameron and Amanda. And despite what Amanda felt, the fear that she felt about seeing Cameron again, he had a right to know that he has a child on the way. He had to be told. "Amanda, I'm your brother. Whatever it is, I'll help you with it." Amanda looked at her brother and sighed. "Jamie, thank you for this, I know that you would help me if I needed it. But I don't belong here. I need someone else's help. I have to go home. I have to." She got up and went around the desk and kissed her brother's cheek. "You should come home too, if just for Christmas." "I'll try my hardest. Amanda, you'll tell me soon what is wrong?" "Soon." "Promise?" "Only if you promise to try and come home for Christmas." "I promise." "So do I." Amanda got up and left. As she got to the door, she turned around and blew a kiss to her brother. Jamie smiled and watched his sister walk out the door. As Amanda was walking down the hall from Jamie's office to the door, she felt worried. What if Cameron was angry? What if he turned his back on her? What if..... No. Cameron might not have feelings for her, but he would never turn his back completely if there was a child involved. And maybe, they could..... "No, no, I thought Amanda. "There is nothing there between the of us." It was just the baby. There was nothing for Amanda and Cameron together. She got back to her apartment and threw some stuff into a bag. She had shipped home her Christmas gifts for everyone already. She got to the airport and was sitting in a seat on the plane quicker than she would have guessed. She stroked her flat belly and tried to calm her nerves. How would Cameron react? Well, she would soon find out. Bay City Cameron was running, as usual. Running, running, never stop long enough to start to think about Amanda and how he had let her down. And how she was gone. It had been hard at first. Realizing that he had caused the downfall of everything he had hoped would happen in their lives. But he threw himself into work. Work, to him, much like to Amanda, was his sanctuary. Right now he was working on a case for a Mrs. Robert Quest trying to track down her missing artwork that had been "misplaced." He had good news for Mrs. Quest. He had tracked down her missing artwork. Actually, both Gary and him had. His brother did not mention Amanda, he sensed that work was Cameron's escape. Coming into the hall at his apartment building, Cameron checked his watch. He had a meeting with Mrs. Quest to tell her the good news and to collect his check. He opened the door to his apartment and stripped off his sweaty sweatshirt. He turned on the radio and pulled off the rest of his clothes and hoped into the shower. He leaned against the wall and let the water run over his body. He could hear the song playing from the stereo and felt like it was playing right into his soul. "See the stone set in your eye, see the thorn twist in your side, I wait for you. Slight of hand and twist of fate on a bed of nails she makes me what, and I wait with out you. With or without you, with or with out you. I can't live, with or without you. And you give your self away, and you give, and you give and you give yourself away. My hands are tied, my body bruised, she's got me with nothing left to win and nothing left to lose. With or without you, with or without you." (The lyrics here were taken from U2's "With or Without You" which can be found on their CD the Joshua Tree.) Cameron could almost feel it again. Her skin, her hair against his face. He could smell her perfume and feel her kiss on his lips. It was as if she was still there. But she wasn't and she never would be again. It was time to forget. It was time to close himself off again. He did it once before and it got him through hell, the abuse, prison, and other. It would work again. It had too. Carlinos Cameron walked through the door of the Italian restaurant. It was a place he had avoided because he and Amanda had eaten together so many times here. He also was here when he got her note. But this is where Mrs. Quest had wanted to meet and for some reason he had agreed. He saw her sitting there and studied her for a moment. He felt a flash of contempt for her all of a sudden. Here was a woman, snotty, rich and always putting on airs for everyone around her. However, Sinclair and Sinclair needed her money and her money would be coming today. Cameron walked in and sat down across the table from her. He didn't see who had just walked into the restaurant. Amanda had come straight to Carlinos from the airport she had hoped to see Paulina and talk to her a little bit. She had missed her sister and wanted to see her. Talking on the phone to her was not enough, you needed to see Paulina in order to get the full effect. But instead of Paulina, Amanda saw the one thing that she never wanted to see. She saw Cameron in the arms of another women. "Mrs. Quest, my brother and I have found your missing paintings. I just wanted to let you know that we notified the appropriate individuals and your paintings are being shipped back to your house now. I...." "Thank you Mr. Sinclair, that's all I needed to know. I don't care about the particulars, just that I am getting my paintings back. That's all I want. Here's your check." She stood up and Cameron stood up as well. He couldn't stand this woman and was glad it was over. But suddenly, a surprised look came over her face and she pitched forward. Cameron suddenly found himself holding the little snob. He didn't see Amanda staring at him. And he didn't see the look of pain on her face. And he didn't see her rush out of the restaurant. "What happened?" Cameron asked the flustered lady as she straightened her self up. "My heel must have caught in a hole of this cheap carpeting. I have half a mind to sue this establishment. Thank you once again for your services." And with that, the lady walked out of the restaurant and Cameron felt like cheering. He hated those type, the society people who thought they were better than anyone else. He sat back down and looked at the check. "I guess it was worth it though," he thought. Amanda rushed out and down the ally by the restaurant. She didn't stop until she got to the docks. She collapsed on a bench and tried to catch her breath. This was too much. Cameron, with someone else. Her Cameron. "Easy, easy," she told herself. After all, wasn't this what she had wanted wasn't it? Amanda sighed and got up from the bench. She went over to the railing and looked out over the water. Her thoughts were as blank and deep as the lake. Cameron had moved on. He had moved on. Amanda laughed at herself. It was the same kind of laugh she laughed when she found out she was pregnant. The "I don't believe this laugh." Maybe in her heart of hearts she was hoping that when she told Cameron about the baby it would bring them back together. But after what she just saw. She continued looking out over the barren looking, cold and gray water for a long time. Unconsciously, she started to stroke her belly and talk to her child. "It's going to be all right sweetheart. It's going to be all right. I've done this before. Alone, so your in the hands of a pro. We don't need anyone. Your daddy," Amanda's voice cracked at that word, when she thought of Cameron and her eyes filled with hot, lonely tears. "Your daddy didn't love your mommy. But mommy loves you, so don't worry. I'll take care of you. I'll always take care of you." As Amanda stood there and talked to her child, the child she and Cameron had conceived together out of a night of love, all she could think was, "I'll always take care of and love my baby, but who will take care of and love me?" Cory Estate Amanda walked into the hall at her home and saw her mother sitting on the living room couch. While she was down at the docks, she had decided to not tell Cameron about the baby. He had moved on. Despite how much it hurt her to admit it, he had. And it was unfair to him to go and saddle him with the knowledge and responsibilities that he had a kid on the way. But she would have to tell her Mother. There was no need to tell everyone about it now, but they would have to know later, but now she needed to talk to her mother. She walked in to the room and remained silent for a moment. She looked at her mom and just watched her sitting there, reading for a second. Rachel sensed a presence in the room. She also knew who it was without turning around. She also knew what was wrong. She stood up and looked at Amanda. "Hello my love. How far along are you?" "How did you..." "How did I know? You had that same scared expression on your face when you were pregnant with Ali. Are you pregnant Amanda? I "Yes." "Cameron is the father, I assume?" "Yes." "Have you told him?" "No. And I am not going to." "Amanda..." "No, you don't understand. I don't need him, and trust me, he doesn't need this either." At that point Amanda ran to Rachel as if she were still 3 and told her mother all that she had seen at Carlinos. Rachel listened and was amazed at how much of Mac that she saw in her daughter. Both tried to do everything themselves. They never needed anybody. When Amanda finished, Rachel looked at her daughter. "Amanda, you have had your say, now I will have mine. First, I don't know what you saw at Carlinos. But I can assure you that Cameron has not moved on. It is written on his face eveytime I see him. And second, even if he has moved on, which he hasn't, he still has a right to know that he's about to be a father. You have to tell him, you know you do. I think that...." "Excuse me, Mrs. Hutchins." "Yes Claudia? What is it?" Rachel asked the Cory maid. "The phone call from Hong Kong you put in has just come through." "Thank you." Claudia waves hello at Amanda and Amanda waves back. Claudia leaves the two alone. "Amanda I have to take this. But don't go anywhere. I need to talk to you about this. Okay honey?" "Okay Mom, I'll be right here." Rachel got up and walked out. Amanda watched her mom leave and picked up her keys. She wouldn't be here when her mom got back. Her mother was right. No matter what, Cameron had a right to know. She had to tell him. Cameron's Apartment Cameron was laying on his bed watching the Blackhawks game and eating pizza. He remembered the time he tried to teach Amanda about hockey. The memories were getting too strong for him again and for the third time that day, Cameron decided to go for a run. He got up from his bed and reached for his sneakers when the knock on the door drew his attention away from his shoes. He walked over to the door and opened it. Standing on the other side of his door was Amanda, his princess.