Click on the photos for a bigger picture with accompanying audio...
Click on the photos for a bigger picture with accompanying audio...
JIMMY is a big lovable
teddy bear with a filthy, FILTHY mind. He is to dirty jokes what the Library of Congress is to parchment documents. Jimmy's an accomplished professional photographer. He's even taken pictures of naked people. Jimmy had surgery on his penis...not once, but twice.
In addition, he's in charge of donuts, which are a prelude to the FERMENTED Breakfast.
LES runs studio
camera. He's a big James Bond fan, and he sits in his room for hours plotting battles between 007 and the Evil Empire. Les is the Breakfast Club's video archivist; he manages somehow to keep our SOUTH PARK demands sated. Les once sat on a toilet whilst vomiting on his wall. He also organized a party themed, "Drunks Against Mad Mothers," which Dean Wormer promptly shut down. Les owns a kick-ass car and is without a doubt one of the most dependable (and incontinent) friends a person could have.
IKE's name isn't even Ike. But that's what we call him, and he's stuck with it. Ike is ambidextrous; he handles audio, chyron (the thing that outs the words on the screen), and directing. Ike tends to be a bit more "intelluctual" than most of the Club
(yes, polysyllabic words), but we decided to keep him anyway. Ike's girlfriend has big 'uns (see below). Ike's noxious gas is second only to Nathan's. Speaking of big 'uns, we have pictures of Ike in a wet t-shirt.
CHERI runs teleprompter (the machine that tells the anchors what to say) and chyron. Cheri is finally old enough to participate with the Breakfast Club, but we have a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy, so it never really mattered, anyway. Cheri is also quite talented at rattling chairs.
MIDGET is The Blade's Significant Other. She is 3 years old. She hails from a tiny town called Shitsplat. Midget is almost as gastrically talented as Cheri, if not more so. She's also the main reason this webpage exists at all. While doing her 1998 holiday shopping, Midget farted in Wal-Mart. It was probably muffled, because Midget wears Pampers. We finally convinced Midget to move from Shitsplat to our town (having tempted her with crowder peas), and now there's much more Midget-fun than before when the Breakfast Club gets together!
TIFFANY is Ike's girlfriend. She has big 'uns and hates The Blade. She recently danced on a piano with a lesbian and earned four dollars. Tiffany also makes the OTHER kind of Breakfast for us on occasion, and is responsible for several of the cool links found here. She's good people.
TINY MIKE was once director for our weekend shows. He was so excited about his new position that, after every Sunday morning broadcast, he popped a boner. Unfortunately, Mike has a very small penis. But he has fit in quite well with the Club, and we're happy to have him aboard. Mike now directs sports events for a major cable outlet, so the next time you see a shot of the back of someone's head, hoist one in his honor.
AIMEE is an all-purpose chick; she's done damn near every job we could put her in (hey, no jokes; she's engaged, dammit!). Aimee's belched two 10s in one day. She's a great person, and we're glad to have her in the club. Aimee also does a great Cornholio impression.
RUSTY is one of our directors. He came to us from the Virgin Islands, which explains the crabs (*rim shot*). Rusty is virtually unbeatable at the Kevin Bacon game. He's a crack shot at billiards, and gets the Club lots of perksat Norm's. A WORD TO THE WOMEN OF THE VIRGIN ISLANDS: Since departing your white sandy shores, Rusty has gotten himself engaged, and will no longer be able to enjoy the pleasures of your tanned, supple bodies. Les, however, is available.
CRUMPET BOY is originally from Maine, of all places. We call him Crumpet Boy because he married an Irish
girl, and (amongst the Club) all British people are termed "Crumpets." Before accepting a job as a videotape editor, Crumpet Boy was a counsellor at a summer camp for girls (you may have seen the movie on the USA Network late at night). Apparently, at the boys' side of the camp, the youngsters were
encouraged to drink each others' urine. We've never understood exactly what role Crumpet Boy played in these shenanigans, but we love him (and his Crumpet Spouse) anyway. Crumpet Boy and his Crumpet wife recently had a young Crumpet (or was it a scone?), and we congratulate them.
MUGGY was our weather chick. She has a degree in meteorology, which is quite phenomenal when you consider that SHE'S SIX YEARS OLD! Muggy can drink you under the table, Chester. She's the inspiration for our Top 40 hit, "Gettin' Muggy Wit' It." We think Muggy is probably simultaneously horrified and intrigued by the crude display that is Breakfast. That, or she's hoping for that EZ-Bake Oven we promised her.
Muggy now does weather in a much larger market than our piddly-ass town. We wish her the very best, and hope she'll visit soon.
VON also runs audio. He's a Vietnam vet, and this occasionally finds its way into our work environment. Once, during a show, we noticed the audio booth was empty, and subsequently found Von on a reconnaisance mission in the back parking lot. He also once went on "maneuvers" in the womens' restroom. Von carries a can of freeze spray with him wherever he goes, knows a lot of hookers, and we're always happy when he joins us for Breakfast. Von encourages all young Asian girls to email him.
BOB is the station's Production Manager. More importantly, he's the most naturally gifted belcher in the Club. In fact, Bob's belches are the foundation upon which all other
burps are rated. Luckily, this page now includes the helpful and informative (and award-winning) BOB'S BELCH SCALE, to assist other Clubs that may form. Bob is also in charge of the grill at Club cookouts. In other words, he gets to handle our meat.
JOE is the other Club member who's never imbibed at Breakfast (same reason as the other Joe). Joe carries the distinction of having told another engineer during Joe's first
week at our station, "I don't understand why no one's killed you yet." Joe enjoys repairing remote trucks. This is good, since someone manages to break one about twice a week.
TOMMY is the Breakfast Club's very own Hunter S. Thompson. He's the chap who once fought with the one-legged midget. When FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS came out, Tommy remarked, "I don't need to see it; I lived it." Soon, you'll be able to read about his adventures, when this website unveils TOMMY'S STORY PAGE, which will tell also tell you about the voodoo cat, Tommy's foray into the world of swinging, and INDIANA TOMMY AND THE FUJI SPA.
STORR is the Club's resident sportscaster. There's no one on this page who's more fun to drink with than Storr. He can converse on a wide range of topics, including why
Twisted Sister was better than Ratt, and how severely Stone Cold Steve Austin would whip Hanson's asses. Speaking of wrestling, Storr does a dead-on impression of "Macho Man" Randy Savage on those Slim Jim ads. Storr also once tried to pick a fight with Henry Winkler on-air. Storr recently moved to a better position in another town, but we stay in touch with him and can occasionally smell his alcohol fumes from across the state line.
RICHARD is an editor on our show. Richard is a player, and is probably gettin' some as you read this (despite the fact that he recently tied the knot). His most famous on-air appearance was as a Tiger Woods lookalike during a sportscast. Richard likes to hawk and spit.
KEITH , as his picture attests, is perhaps the most alert member of the Club. Keith works in Master Control (the place that keeps us on the air). He once sat at a bar and
drank beer with Brian Johnson of AC/DC. When they're open, Keith's eyes are two different colors, which is pretty cool. Keith likes to sit in the newsroom and look at naked chicks on the Internet. Keith's mom is concerned about her son's involvement with this bunch of weirdos.
KYLE has only joined us for Breakfast once, but he HAS been a part of some of our absolute finest TV moments, including our Emmy-winning TITANIC piece. Kyle likes to play with toys; his collection rivals the Smithsonian's, and he's lucky his wife doesn't kick his ass. Kyle's model work (like miniatures, not like swimsuits, you preeverts) can be seen at this site. Drop him a note and tell him how impressive his stuff is.
KEVIN is Amy's fiancee' and has left the station for work that pays him enough to buy beer. Kevin once urinated on a plugged-in, functional television set.
WENDY is a director with a very big rack, uh, heart. She's the one who gave us the BEER DRINKER'S PRAYER. Wendy's also a talented broker; she can tell you the about the wisest $100 investment she ever made. In her spare time, Wendy reads magazines and plays "Heart & Soul" on the piano with the Blade.
COREY also likes to look at naked chicks on his computer. He's hoping to use his own website to somehow a) make him millions of dollars, and b) score him some hot college babes. He recently moved away to work for C-SPAN (he'll be manning the only camera they own), and we miss him, because no one else here knows how to dial in a fucking satellite shot.
JENNIBOB is another of our chyron operators.
She likes to sing songs about schlongs and colons. She has an uncle who shoves beer cans up chickens' asses. This will probably be a short paragraph, because JenniBob said we couldn't write anything about her mom and the sailors.
DAVE, THE NEW GUY...hell, we're not even sure this guy WORKS with us. We think he's just showing up for the beer. Ah, but we're not complaining. He DOES manage to keep us on the air from time to time. Oh, and he once had a gay life with Pete Townshend.
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