Censored

Stephen		Ladies and gentlemen, we were going to do a
		sketch for you ...

Hugh		But we're not now.

Stephen		No, we're not going to do it for you, now.

Hugh		Or ever.

Stephen		Or probably ever. Unless this country radically
		changes direction.

Hugh		Looks unlikely.

Stephen		Which does indeed look unlikely. The reason
		we're not going to do this sketch is that it contains
		a great deal of sex and violence.

Hugh		A great deal.

Stephen		Lots of sex and violence.

Hugh		That's right. During the sketch, Stephen hits me
		several times with a golf club.

Stephen		Which of course wouldn't matter except that I hit
		Hugh very sexily.

Hugh		That's the trouble, you see. He does it so
		sexily. I wish you could see it.

Stephen		And then the sketch ends with us going to bed
		together ...

Hugh		... violently.

Stephen		Extremely violently. Now this raises problems.

Hugh		Not for me.

Stephen		Me neither, but Sir William Rees-Mogg didn't like
		it a bit, did he?

Hugh		Well there was one bit he liked.

Stephen		Yes, that's true. He did like it one bit. But he
		didn't like a lot of other bits.

Hugh		But I don't want you to think that Sir William's
		remit with the Broadcasting Standards Council
		is so sweeping as to be a kind of government
		thought police.

Stephen		No. The concern is primarily for standards.

Hugh		Standards.

Stephen		For the sake of our children.

Hugh		So, in a generous spirit of give and take, Sir
		William has taken our sketch.

Stephen		And we've given it to him.

Hugh		And he has written one for us to do instead.
		Which is free of any gratuitous sex and violence.

Stephen		And shows due and proper regard for decency and
		standards.

Hugh		Promoting family life and protecting our children.

Stephen		Sir William has called his sketch simply
		"Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom".

Hugh		And we're going to do it for you now.

Stephen		"Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom", by Sir
		William Rees-Mogg.

Stephen		Oh yes, my wife wears the
		trousers. No question. But we're
		hoping to get a second pair
		some time next year.