Haircut

	Stephen is dressed as, and therefore in dramatic terms 
	is, a barber. Hugh enters the shop.


Stephen		Good morning sir.

Hugh		Morning.

Stephen		Yes sir, I do believe we're in for a spell as they
		used to say in the music halls. Not too hot, but
		not too mild neither..

Hugh		Mmm.

Stephen		Re the weekend just past, might I enquire as to
		whether sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness, or
		did events prove themselves to be of an otherwise
		nature?

Hugh		Very pleasant thank you.

Stephen		Thank you sir. Very pleasant. Good. Then in
		presumption of sir's answer, I may take it that
		sir was for that period without the boundaries of
		Lincolnshire, wherein, I understand, it rained like
		a bitch.

Hugh		No, I was nowhere near Lincolnshire.

Stephen		Sir, I am uplifted to hear such news.

Hugh		My wife and I spent the weekend in Hull.

Stephen		Sir is married?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		I had literally no idea.

Hugh		Well never mind ...

Stephen		Will sir at some future time, as yet unspecified,
		forgive me for not having immediately
		congratulated him on his joyousness in the good
		tidings department?

Hugh		Of course. I didn't expect you ...

Stephen		Would sir perhaps consider it to be beyond-
		boundingly forward of me, on behalf of all the
		staff here, to send a bouquet of flower-style
		objects to Mrs Sir?

Hugh		Well that's really not necessary.

Stephen		Sir, since I began as a barber, not thirty-nine
		years ago, the phrase "not necessary" has been
		neither more nor less than as a spur to quicken my
		actions.

Hugh		Well thank you, that's very kind of you ...

Stephen		Alright sir. To business. Being one of the
		shrewdest sirs it has been my privilege to meet,
		you are no doubt keen to exploit the social and
		financial advantages inherent in having a hair cut?

Hugh		A haircut, that's right.

Stephen		Of course. A hair cut is a hair enhanced if sir will
		fail to slash my throatlet for being so old. Now the
		hair in question is ... ?

Hugh		What?

Stephen		The hair presently under advisement belongs
		to ... ?

Hugh		What do you mean?

Stephen		What do I mean?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		Haha. I sneak myself towards the suspicion that
		sir has me cast as the mouse in his ever popular
		cat drama.

Hugh		What are you talking about? It's my hair. I want
		you to cut my hair.

Stephen		Ah. So sir's own hair is the hair upon which this
		entire transaction is to be founded?

Hugh		Well of course. Why would I come in here to get
		someone else's hair cut.

Stephen		Sir. Please set fire to my legs if I am trying to
		make haircutting seem more glamorous that it
		really is, but may I just say this - you cannot be
		too careful in my position.

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		Indeed sir. Once and only once, I cut a
		gentleman's hair against his will. Believe me when
		I say it was both difficult and impossible.

Hugh		No, well it's my hair I want cut.

Stephen		Your hair.

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		The hair of sir.

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		Excellent. Then let us proceed to the next and
		most important of stages. Which one?

Hugh		Which one what?

Stephen		Which of sir's manifold hairs would he care to
		place in my professional care for the purposes of
		securing an encutment.

Hugh		Well all of them.

Stephen		All of sir's hairs?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		Sir is absolutely sure?

Hugh		Of course I'm sure. What's the matter with you?

Stephen		I seek not to question the drasticity of sir's
		decision, only to express the profoundness
		of my humblings at the prospect of such a
		magnificent task.

Hugh		Well, all of them.

Stephen		All of them. My word.

Hugh		Is that a problem.

Stephen		By no means. I merely hope that sir can find
		a moment in his otherwise hectic schedule to
		appreciate that for me to cut every one of sir's
		hairs represents the snow-capped summit of a
		barber's career.

Hugh		Well you've done it before, haven't you?

Stephen		Indeed, sir. I once cut all the hairs on a
		gentleman's head in Cairo, shortly after the War,
		when the world was in uproar and to a young man
		everything seemed possible.

Hugh		Once?

Stephen		It would be pointless for me to deny that I was
		fitter and better-looking then, but let us hope
		for sir's sake, that the magic has not entirely
		disappeared up its own rabbit hole. We shall see.

Hugh		Wait a minute. Wait just one cotton-picking
		minute here.

Stephen		Sir?

Hugh		You've cut someone's hair, all of it that is, once
		since the war?

Stephen		Would sir have preffered that in the sphere of total
		hair cuttation, I was to him a virgin?

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		That I can respect.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		The desire that we should both of us embark
		upon this voyage as innocents, wide-eyed travellers
		in a foreign land, unknowning of our destination,
		careless of our fate - to emerge somewhere, some
		day, bruised, tender, a little sad perhaps, but
		ultimately and joyously alive.

Hugh		Goodbye.

Stephen		Sir is leaving?

Hugh		Yup.

Stephen		Might I be favoured with an explanation as
		to why?

Hugh		Because I don't believe you have the faintest idea
		as to how you're going to end this sketch, and I
		simply don't want to be around when you try. It's
		going to be painful and embarrassing for both of
		us, and to be honest I'd much rather it was only
		painful and embarrassing for you.

Stephen		But sir!

Hugh		What?

Stephen		Sir could not be more mistaken if he tried. I know
		precisely how this sketch is going to end.

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		Really.

Hugh		Go on then.

Stephen		It might take time.

Hugh		Yes, time and pain and embarrassment. Goodbye.

Stephen		You bastard.

Hugh		Here we go.

Stephen		The number of times I've hung around while
		you've stumbled on to some pathetic ending.

Hugh		You see? You're completely stuck.

Stephen		No I'm not.

Hugh		Ha.

Stephen		Forty-five seconds. I can end this sketch in forty-
		five seconds.

Hugh		Yeah?

Stephen		Yeah.

Hugh		OK. Forty-five seconds.

Stephen		If sir will resume the seatedness of his posture.

Hugh		Alright.

Stephen		Can I assume that sir is close to the level of
		maximum comfort?

Hugh		Forty seconds.

Stephen		I will now fetch the necessary tools.

	Stephen exits.

Hugh		Haha. It's going to be a chainsaw or some
		bloody ... tscch.

	Hugh looks at his watch. Stephen does not re-enter. 

	Long pause. Hugh realises he has been left holding 
	the baby. 

		Fuck.