Maternity Ward Ten

	Stephen is pacing the corridor of a hospital maternity 
	ward, looking nervous. Hugh puts his head out of a 
	door, wearing a white coat.


Hugh		Mr Conway?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Ah (He looks down the corridor) You are ...?

Stephen		Mr Quick.

Hugh		Mr Quick, right, thank you.

	Hugh exits.

	Pause.

	Hugh enters.

		Mr Arthur Quick?

Stephen		Noel.

Hugh		I'm sorry?

Stephen		Noel Quick.

Hugh		Noel, yes of course. And your wife is Mrs
		Mary Quick?

Stephen		Shirley.

Hugh		Shirley, yes. Shirley Quick. Thank you.

	Hugh exits.

	Pause.

	Hugh enters.

Hugh		Mr Quick.

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Have you come far?

Stephen		No, well, we're just off the ring road. About
		twenty minutes.

Hugh		Oh, nice, nice. I say, hasn't your wife got
		splendid hair?

Stephen		Has she?

Hugh		Oh yes. Fantastic.

Stephen		Well, I suppose it is rather lovely, yes. I hadn't
		really thought ...

Hugh		Well you should think, Mr Quick. You should. It's
		lovely hair. Lovely think, blonde hair.

Stephen		She's got brown hair.

Hugh		Mmm. Lovely.

	Hugh exits.

		(Shouting off) Brown hair.

	Hugh enters.

		Lovely thick, brown hair, yes. To be quite frank
		with you, that's some of the best hair I've seen in
		a long time.

Stephen		Oh thank you.

Hugh		You're a lucky man, Mr Quick. I'm telling you,
		that is world-class hair.

Stephen		Is there any chance of seeing her, Doctor?

Hugh		You just can't wait, can you? I don't blame you.
		With hair like that waiting for you, who wants to
		hang around in a draughty old corridor?

Stephen		Well quite.

Hugh		Excuse me.

	Hugh exits.

	Pause.

	Hugh enters.

		Yes, I always think brown hair looks tremendous
		on ... a quite short woman.

Stephen		Well, possibly.

Hugh		Possibly?

Stephen		Of course, my wife's very tall.

Hugh		Ah. You'd say she was very tall would you?

Stephen		Very.

	Hugh exits 

Hugh		(Off) Very tall. She's very tall, with brown hair.

	Hugh enters.

		Yes, right. Of course she's tall. Yes. I was thinking
		of her being quite short, because of course she's
		lying down at the moment. So she only comes up
		to my waist. From my point of view, you see, your
		wife is very short ... and very wide. But I expect
		that when you're at home, she stands up quite a
		lot, and so then you're bound to see more of her
		tall side.

Stephen		Can I see her?

Hugh		No, you can't.

Stephen		Why not.

Hugh		Well, because there's a wall in the way.

Stephen		No. Can I go in and see her?

Hugh		Aha. It's not advisable, frankly. Patients who've just
		had their tonsils out, are always a bit ...

Stephen		Tonsils? She's come here to have a baby.

Hugh		Excuse me.

	Hugh exits.

		(Off) She's come here to have a baby, for Christ's
		sake!

	Hugh enters.

		A baby, right. That's a lovely idea. Is it your first?

Stephen		Yes it is, as a matter of fact. We've been trying for
		quite a long time.

Hugh		I bet you have - with hair like that, phwor, eh?
		Had any luck so far?

Stephen		What do you mean?

Hugh		With babies. Have you had any luck?

Stephen		Well yes, that's why we're here.

Hugh		Of course, of course.

Stephen		Surely she must have had it by now?

Hugh		Who?

Stephen		My wife. Surely she must have had the baby
		by now.

Hugh		Oh er ... hold on.

	Hugh exits.

		(Off) Well where is it? Well haven't we got
		any? Tscch.

	Hugh reenters.

Hugh		Yes she has.

Stephen		She has? That's brilliant! Is it a girl or a boy?

Hugh		It's ... it's a boy.

Stephen		A boy! Cor! Can I have a look at him?

Hugh		Er ... here I am, Mr Quick.

Stephen		What do you mean?

Hugh		Er ... I am your son. I was born about twenty
		minutes ago. Sorry, I should have mentioned
		it earlier.

Stephen		You're my son? What are you talking about?
		Where's the baby?

Hugh		I'm the baby, Mr Quick. Unfortunately I was born
		with a strange disease called Stimtirumtumtum
		which means that I look and sound like an adult
		even though I'm only twenty minutes old. It's very
		rare, but strangely enough it's also quite common.
		Muriel Gray has got it.

Stephen		Muriel Gray?

Hugh		Yes. Only a trained doctor would know that she's
		just six months old.

Stephen		You're mad.

Hugh		Maybe, Mr Quick ... father. But you know, I blame
		the parents.

Stephen		Can I see my wife now?

Hugh		Mother? Of course. We can be a family at last.

Stephen		Shut up.

Hugh		Yes, I always say that fathers should be present
		when their wife's tonsils are being taken out.