Toaster

	Hugh enters an electrical goods shop. Stephen is behind 
	the counter.


Hugh		Hello. I'd like to buy a toaster.

Stephen		What sort of toaster are you looking for?

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		What sort of toaster are you looking for?

Hugh		Oh I see what you mean. Well, ideally I'd like one
		that's good at toasting bread ...

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		... but can also be used as a weapon.

Stephen		A weapon?

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		A weapon?

Hugh		Oh I see what you mean. Yes, a weapon.

Stephen		Mmm. Call me an unrestrained arsewit if you
		like ...

Hugh		Perhaps later.

Stephen		As you wish. Why would you want to use a toaster
		as a weapon?

Hugh		I beg your ...

Stephen		Why would you want to use a toaster as a weapon?

Hugh		These are uncertain times. We live in a shifting
		quicksand of international tension, forever dancing
		uncertain and fantastical steps on the brink of war.

Stephen		Christ.

Hugh		I think the optimum choice in the circumstances
		would be some kind of lightweight throwing
		toaster.

Stephen		A lightweight throwing toaster?

Hugh		Affirmative. Then I could use it as a weapon.

Stephen		Forgive me if I seem to be labouring the point,
		but wouldn't it be simpler to use a weapon as a
		weapon, and use for the toaster for toasting?

Hugh		I've already got a weapon.

Stephen		Well doesn't it work?

Hugh		Not as a toaster.

Stephen		Well let me assure you, all our toasters work as
		toasters.

Hugh		But not as weapons?

Stephen		'Fraid not.

Hugh		Huh. Well that's not going to be much good when
		they come parachuting into Carshalton.

Stephen		Who?

Hugh		I beg you pardon?

Stephen		Who is going to be parachuting into Carshalton?

Hugh		They are.

Stephen		Who is "they"?

Hugh		I dunno. I'm not interested in politics.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		I didn't have this problem with my bed.

Stephen		Mmm. Your bed is a weapon?

Hugh		In the right hands, yes.

Stephen		A lightweight throwing bed?

Hugh		Don't be stupid. It's a seek out and destroy bed.
		Modified for counter-insurgency operations.

Stephen		Aha.

Hugh		Perfect for the rough terrain surrounding the
		Carshalton area.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		The bed shop was most helpful.

Stephen		Well I dare say, but this is a kitchen appliance
		shop. If you want weaponry, I can't help feeling
		you'd be better off going to a specialist.

Hugh		What sort of specialist?

Stephen		Don't tempt me to answer that.

Hugh		What do you mean?

Stephen		Nothing. Nothing. I could suggest a garlic-press, I
		suppose.

Hugh		Semi-automatic, gas-cooled, hand-to-hand,
		hunter-killer garlic-press?

Stephen		Well, no, it's not much of a weapon really. Unless
		you're worried about garlics parachuting into
		Carshalton.

Hugh		I don't at this time have garlics targetted as a
		priority threat.

Stephen		Had you thought of a down to earth, honest to
		goodness kitchen knife?

Hugh		A kitchen knife?

Stephen		Yes.

	Produces knife.

Hugh		Don't be stupid. You could have someone's eye
		out with that.

Stephen		I thought that was the idea.

Hugh		Oh no. No no no. You misunderstand me. My
		whole life is based on the principle that I will
		never be the aggressor.

Stephen		Really?

Hugh		All I want is to be prepared.

Stephen		To be prepared?

Hugh		To be prepared for when they come parachuting
		into Carshalton ...

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		And also for the moment when I suddenly feel like
		a piece of toast.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		You unrestrained arsewit.

Stephen		You're welcome.

Stephen		I definitely think the Queen
		ought to give one to Esther
		Rantzen. Definitely.