Parent Power

	Stephen, a headmaster, is sitting behind a desk. Hugh 
	enters with Michael, a small boy.


Stephen		Ah good morning Michael, good morning
		Mr Smear.

Hugh		Yes, we'll dispense with the good mornings if you
		don't mind. I haven't got time for good mornings.

Stephen		As you wish. You wanted to discuss something, I
		believe?

Hugh		I think you know why I'm here.

Stephen		I don't think I do.

Hugh		(To Michael) Tell him.

	Michael looks embarrassed.

Stephen		Tell me what?

Hugh		Tell him what you told your mother last night.

Michael		Sexual intercourse can often bring about
		pregnancy in the adult female.

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		You heard that, did you?

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Well I'd like an explanation, if it's not too much
		trouble.

Stephen		An explanation of what?

Hugh		An explanation of how my son came to be using
		language like that in front of his mother.

Stephen		Well I imagine that this is something that Michael
		learnt in his biology class, isn't that right?

Michael		Yes, sir.

Stephen		Yes I thought so. With Mr Hent. Glad to see
		some of it's sinking in, Michael.

Michael		Thank you sir.

Hugh		Well I must say this is a turn-up and no mistake.

Stephen		What is?

Hugh		I didn't imagine that you'd be quite so barefaced
		about it.

Stephen		About what?

Hugh		I came here today to make a complaint about
		my son being exposed to gutter language in the
		playground. I am frankly staggered to find that this
		is something that he's actually been taught in a
		classroom. I mean what is going on here?

Stephen		We're trying to teach your son ...

Hugh		Oh are you? Are you indeed?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		What? How to embarrass his parents? How to
		smack himself with heroin?

Stephen		I assure you Mr Smear, we have no intention ...

Hugh		Call yourself a school?

Stephen		I don't actually call myself a school, no.

Hugh		You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Filling a
		young lad's head with filth like that. Well let me
		tell you something. About the real world. You're
		here to provide a service.

Stephen		Quite right.

Hugh		Quite right, yes, well I'm not happy with it. I'm
		not happy with the service you're providing.

Stephen		Would you rather that Michael didn't attend the
		biology course?

Hugh		Certainly I would, if those are the kind of lies I
		can expect to hear repeated at the dinner table.

Stephen		They're not lies, Mr Smear.

Hugh		Oh aren't they? Pregnancy is brought about by
		sexual intercourse?

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Oh Lord save us. So you agree with that?

Stephen		Of course. It's true.

Hugh		True my arse. It's nothing more than a disgusting
		rumour put about by trendy young people in
		the sixties.

Stephen		Trendy young people in their sixties?

Hugh		The sixties. In the sixties. That's when it all started.
		People like you.

Stephen		Mr Smear, sexual reproduction has been part of
		the biology syllabus for many years.

Hugh		I don't care about your blasted syllabus. What
		good is a blasted syllabus out there?

Stephen		Out where?

Hugh		There!

Stephen		The Arkwright Road?

Hugh		Arkwright Jungle, I call it.

Stephen		Well, what would you rather we taught your son,
		Mr Smear?

Hugh		I would rather ... I would rather you taught him
		values, Mr ...

Stephen		Casilingua.

Hugh		Casilingua. Values. Respect. Standards. That's
		what you're here for. You're not here to poison my
		son with a lot of randy sextalk.

Stephen		So Michael is definitely your son, is he, Mr
		Smear?

Hugh		Certainly he's my son.

Stephen		Then it's safe to assume that at some stage you
		and your wife have had sexual intercourse?

Hugh		(Pause) Right. (Hugh starts to take off his jacket)
		That's it. I'm going to knock some sense into
		you myself.

Stephen		You're going to fight me now, are you?

Hugh		Yes I bloody well am. I'm not going to stand
		for this.

Stephen		Do you mind if I do? (Rises to his feet)

Hugh		Talking like that in front of the boy. You're a
		bloody disgrace.

Stephen		Mr Smear, let me ask you this. How could
		Michael be your son, if you haven't had sexual
		intercourse?

Hugh		Michael ...

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Michael is my son in the normal way.

Stephen		In the normal way?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		And what is the normal way to have a son, in your
		opinion?

Hugh		If you're trying to trick me into sexy talk ...

Stephen		I'm not.

Hugh		The normal way to have a son is ... to get
		married.

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Buy a house and get properly settled in.

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Furniture and so on, and then ... wait for a bit.

Stephen		Ah.

Hugh		Make sure you eat properly. Three hot meals a
		day.

Stephen		So Michael just sort of turned up, did he?

Hugh		Er ... well of course it's a few years ago now, but
		yes I think one day he was just there.

Stephen		And you and your wife have never enjoyed sexual
		intimacy of any kind?

Hugh		Yes, it's very hard for you to believe isn't it, that
		there are still some people left who can bring a
		son into this world without recourse to cannabis
		and government handouts?

Stephen		Well I really don't know what to say.

Hugh		I bet you don't: It's not every day a consumer
		stands up to you and makes demands is it?

Stephen		Not of this nature no.

Hugh		Yes, well. Welcome to the harsh realities of the
		market-place, Mr Casilingua.

Stephen		OK. Well, what would you like me to do?

Hugh		It's obvious isn't it? If I go into Littlewoods and
		tell them I'm not satisfied with a cardigan, say,
		they'll change it for me. And gladly.

Stephen		You want another son?

Hugh		Certainly I do. Mine is soiled now.

Stephen		Well I'm afraid we haven't got any spare sons
		here, just at the moment.

Hugh		Well what have you got of equal value?

Stephen		Um - there are some locusts in the biology lab.

Hugh		Locusts, hmm. Do I have your assurance that one
		of these locusts will not embarrass Mrs Smear at
		table with foul language?

Stephen		I think I can go that far.

Hugh		Well that's something. How many of them
		are there?

Stephen		Two ... at the moment.

Hugh		What d'you mean, "at the moment"?

Stephen		Well, it's just that these locusts are married,
		they've bought the cage, and some furniture, and
		they're having three meals a day.

Hugh		Hot meals?

Stephen		Warmish.

Hugh		So Mrs Smear might be a grandmother one day?

Stephen		Very possibly.

Hugh		(Pleased) She'd like that.

Stephen		A good smack in the face. She
		deserves it.