Chatshow

	Hugh is a young and surprisingly handsome chat-show 
	host on a young and surprisingly awful Channel Four 
	chat-show. He is behind his desk.


Hugh		(In reference to whatever sketch has finished) Well that
		was the unmistakable sound. Right, my next guest
		wrote his first novel back in 1972, the year of loons
		and flares and Suzi Quatro and the Glitter Band
		and all that stuff. He's been writing ever since, got
		a new one coming out now. Bit of a cult dude with
		the Saporo and sushimi set, so let's say a big "hi!"
		to Richard Morley!

	Enter slightly nervous and serious looking Stephen 
	to absurdly brash music. Hugh does ludicrous jive 
	handshake.

		Right, Richard, welcome, sit down, take the weight
		off your paragraphs.

	Stephen looks bewildered by this peculiar joke.

		So tell me, this novel, what's it called?

Stephen		The novel I've just written is called The Emperor of 
		Disgust.

Hugh		The Emperor of Disgust. Sounds pretty heavy.

Stephen		Heavy?

Hugh		What's it about?

Stephen		You haven't read it?

Hugh		Well, for the viewers, you know. They haven't,
		obviously. It isn't published till tomorrow is it?
		How can they have done!!!

	Hugh punches Stephen on the arm.

Stephen		Oh, I see. Well it isn't very easy to tell you the
		plot precisely because it is rather complicated.

Hugh		Highbrow stuff I'll bet. Where's it set?

Stephen		Set? Well the action of the novel takes place over
		several different centuries and a number of different -

Hugh		Tell me, do you use a word processor? Thing I've
		always wanted to know about writers, you know,
		how they set about it. Pencil, pen, typewriter.
		All that.

Stephen		Well I use a word processor as a matter of fact. I
		used to use a typewriter, but -

Hugh		How many novels then, have you had, in fact,
		published?

Stephen		The Emperor of Disgust will be my seventh.

Hugh		Seventh? You take it pretty seriously, then?

Stephen		Yes, yes indeed I do. I do take it seriously. Very
		seriously. It's my job you see. My living.

Hugh		Right. Right. Yeah. Tell me, where do you get
		your characters from? From real life?

Stephen		Well usually I suppose they're an amalgam,
		you know.

Hugh		You gonna put me in one of your books then?

Stephen		Well I think I might actually.

Hugh		(Thrilled with the idea) Yeah!?

Stephen		Yes. I really think you are one of the most
		repellent and flatulent-minded people I've ever
		met. In many respects ideal fodder for the novelist.

	Hugh laughs in an "isn't this geezer just brilliant?" 
	kind of a way.

Stephen		I don't know what you're laughing at, I find you
		mindless, vapid and irrelevant.

Hugh		(Still laughing) Seriously, Richard, what's the -

Stephen		I am being serious, you repulsive ball of spittle.
		And who the hell told you you could call me
		Richard? You're rotting in hell and you haven't the
		faintest idea of it, have you?

Hugh		The last book you wrote ...

Stephen		Last book I wrote! You haven't a clue about the
		last book I wrote have you, except from what that
		daffy researcher you sent round tells you? Your
		head is crammed with so much pappy drivel and
		greasy bigotry and brash ignorance that there isn't
		room in it for one single idea, is there?

Hugh		This is brilliant.

Stephen		Oh it's brilliant is it? It's "good television" I
		suppose. It shows you at the cutting edge of
		dangerous broadcasting. You're about as dangerous
		as a chocolate "Hob Nob".

	Hugh mugs to the camera.

		Look at you, sitting there like a ... like a fat,
		smug ... a fat smug ... (Breaking out of character 
		and talking to someone off camera) Sorry I've
		forgotten the next bit, "a fat smug ... "

Hugh		(Also addressing someone off) Vince, we go live on air
		in ten minutes, I thought he knew his lines. What's
		going on?

Stephen		Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

Hugh		(Coaching) "a fat smug git who's just won a ..."

Stephen		(With Hugh coaching) Oh yes, a fat smug git
		who's just won a BAFTA. Have you any idea how
		degrading and demeaning to the human spirit
		people like you are?

Hugh		Great, then I'll ask you where your book is on
		sale, how much it costs and we'll play you out.

Stephen		Alright.

Hugh		Then I'll do a bit of chat, "blah-di-blah-di-blah-
		di-blah" and bang, bang, bang. And, what's next?

Hugh		Sex and violence, really. That kind
		of thing. We're a small company,
		but things are very busy at the
		moment.