Doctor Tobacco

	Doctor's surgery - yes I know, but I'm afraid that's 
	where we are.

	Hugh is having his chest listened to.


Stephen		Say "ninety-nine".

Hugh		Ninety-nine.

Stephen		Good. Say "thank you".

Hugh		Thank you.

Stephen		Say "breasts".

Hugh		Breasts.

Stephen		Mmm. "R".

Hugh		"R".

Stephen		Good.

Hugh		Good.

Stephen		Well, if you'd like to do your shirt up now Mr
		Pepperdyne.

Hugh		Everything as it should be?

Stephen		Nothing too serious, you'll be glad to hear. You say
		that you've been having a little trouble breathing
		at night?

Hugh		That's right.

Stephen		Been bringing up any sputum?

Hugh		Er, not really.

Stephen		Any yellow or green phlegm ... blood?

Hugh		No.

Stephen		Tightening of the chest?

Hugh		Well a little I suppose.

Stephen		Headaches?

Hugh		Apart from the children, you mean? Not really.

	They both laugh weakly.

Stephen		Right. I want to try you on a course of these:
		one twenty times a day. Have you ever taken
		them before?

	Gets out a plain cigarette from a drawer.

Hugh		Um - what is it?

Stephen		It's a simple nicotinal arsenous monoxid
		preparation taken bronchially as an infumation.

Hugh		Infumation?

Stephen		Yes, you just light the end and breath in.

Hugh		What, like cigarettes?

Stephen		You know them, then? Yes, actually, it's a bit hard
		to admit, but they're basically a herbal rememdy.

Hugh		Oh, herbal cigarettes.

Stephen		That's right. A leaf originally from the Americas I
		believe, called tobacco.

Hugh		But medicated.

Stephen		Medicated? No.

Hugh		These are ordinary cigarettes?

Stephen		That's right.

Hugh		But they're terribly bad for you aren't they?

Stephen		I hardly think I would be prescribing them if they
		were bad for you.

Hugh		Twenty a day?

Stephen		Yes, ideally moving on to about thirty or forty.

Hugh		But they give you lung cancer and bronchitis and
		emphysema.

Stephen		Where on earth did you get that idea?

Hugh		Everyone knows that.

Stephen		Are you a doctor?

Hugh		No, but it stands to reason doesn't it?

Stephen		What on earth are you talking about? "Stands to
		reason." You wouldn't even know what a pair of
		lungs did if a doctor hadn't told you. It's taken
		mankind thousands of years to work out what
		the heart is for, what a blood vessel is, what the
		kidneys do, and now you're telling me because
		you've read a few weedy magazine articles that you
		know more about the human body than a doctor?

Hugh		Well no, but - it can't be natural, can it?

Stephen		Perfectly natural leaf.

Hugh		Yes but setting light to it and inhaling the smoke, I
		mean ...

Stephen		More natural than Baked Alaska or nylon socks.

Hugh		Yes but you don't inhale nylon socks. At least
		I don't.

Stephen		You wear them next to the skin.

Hugh		But you can't seriously be recommending
		cigarettes.

Stephen		Why the buggery sod not? A bit of leaf smoke to
		loosen the lungs, ease that tightness and clear the
		head. Perfectly sound.

Hugh		I suppose you're going to tell me that cholesterol
		isn't bad for you next.

Stephen		What's cholesterol?

Hugh		It's ... well, you know -

Stephen		Yes I know perfectly well what it is, but I don't
		suppose you'd so much as heard of it until a few
		years ago. You'd die without the stuff.

Hugh		Yes but too much is bad for you.

Stephen		Well of course too much is bad for you, that's
		what "too much" means you blithering twat. If
		you had too much water it would be bad for you,
		wouldn't it? "Too much" precisely means that
		quantity which is excessive, that's what it means.
		Could you ever say "too much water is good for
		you"? I mean if it's too much it's too much. Too
		much of anything is too much. Obviously. Jesus.

Hugh		But I thought the balance of informed medical
		opinion held that -

Stephen		You thought, you thought. You didn't think, did
		you? Cigarettes are healing, natural and effective.

Hugh		If you don't mind I think I'd like a second
		opinion.

Stephen		That's your privilege.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		(Pause) My second opinion is that they are also
		cheap, nutritious and stylish.

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		And if you're interested in a third opinion they're
		soothing, harmless and sexy.

Hugh		Well, I must say that does seem to clinch it.

Stephen		Alright then. So twenty a day, rising over the week.

Hugh		And the tightness in the chest?

Stephen		Should disappear completely.

Hugh		Tremendous. Well you're the doctor.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		You're the doctor.

Stephen		Whatever gave you that idea?

Hugh		Well I mean - you did.

Stephen		God, you are pathetic aren't you?

Hugh		Um.

Stephen		I'm a tobacconist. Isn't it obvious?

Hugh		But the -

Stephen		Yes, it looks more like a doctor's surgery than a
		tobacconist's.

Hugh		Why?

Stephen		Why? Because you're the kind of idiot that falls
		for that sort of thing. It's the same reason that
		cosmetics sales staff wear white coats, because
		pratts like you think a Swiss name and something
		called a "skin treatment" must be better for you
		than a tub of cold cream which is all you're in fact
		getting. You're a credulous git, Mr Pepperdyne. A
		stethoscope and a plausible manner doesn't make
		me a doctor. I'm a conman and you're a moron.

Hugh		You are a doctor then?

Stephen		Could be. What do you think?

Hugh		You really want to to know?

Stephen		I'd be fascinated.

Hugh		I think you've taken a reasonably good idea and
		overworked it. I think what started out as a fairly
		interesting and amusing statement about our
		susceptibility to received ideas has become
		something vague, ill-thought out and rambling.
		And I think it's time to finish it.

Stephen		Well do you? I think you've comp -

	Blackout