Lavatories

Stephen		Lavatories. Love them or loathe them. They're
		here to stay. We use them, we lavish our affection
		on them: we clean them, polish them, some of
		us spend up to half of our lives in them. We read
		specialist lavatory magzines, spend money on the
		latest models with air-conditioning, stereos and
		two-speed wipers. Some of us even race them -

Hugh		(Whispering) Cars.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		You mean cars, not lavatories.

Stephen		(Studying script) Oh yes. Cars. How much do we
		know about them? We sit in them once a day and
		trust them to carry our effluent away, safely, cleanly,
		efficiently. Whether they're porcelain, plastic
		or fibre-glass, lever or button flush we expect
		them to -

Hugh		Lavatories. You mean lavatories.

Stephen		Oh yes.

Hugh		T!

Stephen		The beginnings of the modern lavatory were
		humble enough. In 1793 Johannes Krell of Leipzig
		constructed the first simple metal cabinet, using
		inert gases condensing to cool the cabinet to three
		degrees centigrade. The first dew-bin, or salad
		crisper started to appear in lavatories -

Hugh		Fridges. You're talking about fridges.

Stephen		Oh yes. Fridges. Like them or loathe them, you
		can't ignore them. Everyone's talking about them.
		Whether you're buying or selling a property,
		sooner or later you'll come in contact with a
		fridge. Their commission is an important part of
		your house budget -

Hugh		Estate agents. You're talking about estate agents.

Stephen		Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't
		live with them. The first sign of these nasty,
		purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With
		their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards,
		moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents
		roam the land causing perturbation and despair.
		If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if
		you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only
		one thing worse than an estate agent but at least
		that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically
		dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them,
		you'd be mad not to loathe them.

Hugh		That's better.

Hugh		I just loved the Beetles. They had
		hundreds of different kinds. Blue
		ones, black ones, yellow ones, two-
		tone, cabriolet. They had one with
		fuel injection.