Information

	Stephen is sitting behind a desk with an "information" 
	sign on it. Hugh enters.


Hugh		Good morning.

Stephen		Good morning.

Hugh		Good morning.

Stephen		Right. Can I help you?

Hugh		Yes. Your face my arse.

Stephen		No, I said can I help you?

Hugh		Oh. I'd like some information, please.

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Well?

Stephen		Well what?

Hugh		I'd like some information, please.

Stephen		Yes. What information would you like?

Hugh		Well I don't know. What have you got?

Stephen		I beg your pardon?

Hugh		What information have you got?

Stephen		Well, all sorts.

Hugh		Such as?

Stephen		Such as ... the average weight of a rabbit.

Hugh		Well I never knew that.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		I never knew rabbits had an average weight.

Stephen		Oh yes.

Hugh		Have you got any other information?

Stephen		Of course. But you've got to ask me questions,
		you see.

Hugh		And you'll tell me the answers ... ?

Stephen		That's right.

Hugh		... if I ask the questions. Right. What's the
		name ... ?

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		What's the name of the man who taught me
		Geography at school?

Stephen		I'm afraid that's hardly the kind of thing ...

Hugh		Aha.

Stephen		Tscch. Alright. His name was Colin Drip.

Hugh		That's right.

Stephen		Drippy, you used to call him.

Hugh		Drippy. Cor, that takes me back a bit. Now, there
		was a bloke in our class - tsch, what was his
		name ...

Stephen		Adams, Attersham, Bennet, Connor, Fredericks,
		Hodson ...

Hugh		Hodson! That's it, that's it. Ned Hodson. Blimey,
		he used to drive old Drippy up the wall. D'you
		know what he used to do?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Oh. Cor. I wonder what happened to him?

Stephen		He married a girl called Susan Trite, and they
		now live in Fenton, near Worcester.

Hugh		I don't think I ever met her.

Stephen		Yes you did. July the fourth, 1972, you sat next
		to her on a twenty-nine bus down Garboldisham
		Road and she told you about the Bay City Rollers.
		You were in love with her until the following
		Wednesday.

Hugh		Hm. You've got quite a lot of information, then?

Stephen		We try to provide a service. Anything else?

Hugh		Yes please. Can you tell me ...

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Can you tell me how to be happy?

Stephen		How to be happy?

Hugh		How to be happy.

Stephen		I'm afraid to say that information may be
		restricted.

Hugh		Oh. You do have it, though?

Stephen		Oh yes.

Hugh		But it's restricted?

Stephen		I'm afraid so. Sorry.

Hugh		Contented?

Stephen		Yes thank you.

Hugh		No, any information on how to be contented?

Stephen		Oh I see. Yes, we've got information on that.

Hugh		Can I have it?

Stephen		I'm afraid it's a secret.

Hugh		Oh, go on.

Stephen		Alright. The secret of contentment is ...

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		Don't ask questions.