Forward to the Past

	Stephen answers the door to Hugh who is dressed in 
	incredible futuristic gear.


Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		Hello, I come from the future.

Stephen		(Annoyed) What?

Hugh		I come from the future.

Stephen		Do you? Do you, indeed?

Hugh		That's substantially correct, yes. I come from a
		time in advance of your own.

Stephen		Really?

Hugh		Yes, really.

Stephen		And what century exactly would you be from, I
		wonder?

Hugh		I come from the twentieth century.

Stephen		So not significantly far advanced then?

Hugh		Well, no. I come from a time five minutes ahead.

Stephen		Five minutes.

Hugh		Yes. Five of your primitive minutes. Goodbye.

Stephen		What. You're going now?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		No message from the future?

Hugh		There are laws, time laws we dare not interfere
		with, lest we meddle with our own destinies.
		Farewell. I may say I'm sorry that I can't return it.
		Please accept my apologies.

Stephen		Return what?

Hugh		What you lent me. It was burnt up in the time-
		jump. Still, as you rightly said, it was only Habitat
		anyway.

	Exit Hugh.

Stephen		(Still standing in doorway) Well, frankly.

	Enter Hugh wearing deerstalker and cape, looking very 
	late Victorian.

Hugh		Good morning. If it is morning.

Stephen		You again.

Hugh		I don't think we've met.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		This is my first time in this neighbourhood.

Stephen		Oh don't be ridiculous, I was talking to you just
		five ... minutes (Voice trails off) ... ago.

Hugh		Something wrong?

Stephen		No, no. Probably just a day dream. How can I
		help you?

Hugh		Well the thing is, I'm a bit lost. I know this'll
		sound like the ravings of a complete imbecile, but
		you must believe me. I'm a time traveller.

Stephen		Yes, yes. From the future.

Hugh		(Puzzled) No, from the past. Five minutes ago I
		projected myself five minutes into the future,
		into your time and I was wondering who is Prime
		Minister now?

Stephen		Margaret Thatcher. Look ...

Hugh		Ah, really? Still? Some things never change. Has
		anyone invented a way of opening a packet of
		"Hob Nob" biscuits without tearing their nails yet?

Stephen		No, look just what exactly -

Hugh		Is Noel Edmonds still alive?

Stephen		(Surprised) Not that I'm aware of. Look, is this
		some kind of practical joke?

Hugh		Well I must go before I catch up with myself.
		I think next time I shall try going forward a bit.
		Farewell.

	Exit Hugh.

Stephen		Bye then. This is getting very difficult to follow.

	Enter Hugh dressed as normally as he ever is.

Hugh		Hello.

Stephen		And where are you from?

Hugh		This is going to sound quite unbelievable but I
		come from ...

Stephen		.. the funny farm.

Hugh		I'm sorry?

Stephen		Never mind, what time are you from then?

Hugh		North Finchley.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		North Finchley, call it Barnet.

Stephen		When?

Hugh		I'm sorry?

Stephen		When are you from?

Hugh		Are you alright?

Stephen		I - I think so, yes.

Hugh		I'm collecting.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		Collecting.

Stephen		What for?

Hugh		This blinkered, hidebound, reactionary government
		has no vision. I plan to build a machine. A
		machine that will enable man to travel ...

Stephen		Through time, yes, yes, very clever.

Hugh		No. To travel to central London without getting
		caught in the traffic. The principle is simple: using
		ruthenium and polonium as energisers, I intend
		to build a prototype machine which will leap over
		traffic queues as if they weren't there. Simply
		key in the coordinates of the street you want and
		hey presto. Can I get a grant from the morons in
		government? No sir.

Stephen		You don't think there might be any unfortunate
		side-effects?

Hugh		What do you mean?

Stephen		Such as time-travel for instance.

Hugh		(Laughing) Oh I don't think so, you've been
		watching too many TV sketches.

	Stephen looks into camera puzzled for the briefest of 
	brief seconds.

Stephen		(Tired) Alright then, how much do you want?

Hugh		Oh, it's not money. It's just that the transducer
		needs a lampshade.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		I knew you'd think me crackpotted, but it's true.
		Just a simple common or garden lampshade,
		so that the gallium plate can reach P state in a
		picosecond and then instanly revert to an N state
		which ...

Stephen		Yes, yes alright. I'll get you a lampshade. (Goes in)

Hugh		(Calling after him) Thank you! Thank you so much!
		You're a friend of science.

Stephen		(Coming out with lampshade) There you are.

Hugh		Marvellous. Bless you. I have the machine round
		the corner. It will take only five minutes to fit and
		then - London's traffic problem solved in a stroke.

Stephen		Right.

Hugh		I shall return your lampshade.

Stephen		Don't worry, it's only Habitat anyway ... (Voice
		trails away)

	Exit Hugh.

	Stephen pauses for a while and looks into camera.

		I'm sure, logically, something wierd should happen
		now, but I can't work out what.

Hugh		(Smelling a bottle) Oh I say, that's
		rather good. Oh yes. Where did
		you get it?