The Old Folks

	Stephen is behind the reception desk of an old people's 
	home. Hugh enters.


Hugh		Hello.

Stephen		You're not very old.

Hugh		Sorry?

Stephen		I say you're not very old.

Hugh		No, I ...

Stephen		This is an old folk's home, you see, and
		consequently we do ask that people wishing to
		stay here are, at the very least, old. It's in our
		charter.

Hugh		I don't want to stay here.

Stephen		Oh. Then I must instantly demand that you
		pardon me. Have we been talking at cross
		purposes do you suppose?

Hugh		Possibly, yes.

Stephen		Whoops. My fault, quite dreadful of me. You'd
		better start again then.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		Right.

Hugh		I wondered if ...

Stephen		You're not very old.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		This is an old folk's home, you see, and
		consequently ...

Hugh		No, I don't want to stay here. I've come to see
		my aunt.

Stephen		Oh. No. Oh no. What a shame. She died.

Hugh		Who did?

Stephen		Your aunt. If you'd only been a few hours earlier.

Hugh		Wait a minute. You don't know who I am yet.

Stephen		I don't have to. We only had one aunt, you see
		and she passed away last night. Oh, we shall
		miss her indeed. Her cheerfulness, her sense of
		fun ...

Hugh		Hold on. Do you mind if we just check the name
		first, to make sure we're talking about the same
		person?

Stephen		If there's the slightest chance that it'll help you
		to confront some of the painful unanswered
		questions that must be weighing upon you at this
		most difficult of times, then all of a surely.

Hugh		Thank you.

Stephen		Please don't thank me, nephew.

Hugh		Wh ... ?

Stephen		I do this job because I love it. How many people
		can say that? Less than a dozen I fancy rotten.
		Yes, here it is. Room 14, aunt, died at ten o'clock
		last night.

Hugh		Yes, what was her name?

Stephen		Fourteen.

Hugh		No, her name.

Stephen		Well now, I don't think we actually have a record
		of her name. There isn't much space on these
		cards, you see? I keep on saying to the Trustees
		- did I say "saying"? Beseeching on bended legs,
		rather - "give me bigger cards" but ...

Hugh		What was her name?

Stephen		Well before you rush headlong down that tree-
		lined avenue, let me just say that we're very much
		given to using nicknames, here.

Hugh		Nicknames?

Stephen		Indeed, yes. To myself and the rest of the
		staff your aunt will always be remembered as
		"fourteen". Sounds a bit informal, I know. But
		that's our style here. We leave formality very much
		outside on the doorstep, together with a cheerful
		note to the milkman. From the day she arrived,
		"fourteen" just seemed so right somehow.

Hugh		Are you saying that a woman died here last night
		and you don't even know her name?

Stephen		I know it's hard sometimes for an outsider
		to enter a home like this, and it is a home - did
		I mention that? Did I make that abundant? - and
		straight away understand what it is we're really
		trying to do here.

Hugh		My aunt's name is Amanda Thighkiss.

Stephen		Well there you are, you see. Amanda Thighkiss.
		How could we have called her that? It's so cold,
		so unfriendly. And you can see how small the
		cards are. I'd lucky to squeeze "A. Thigh" on
		one of these.

	Deborah, as a very old lady, appears next to Stephen.

Deborah		Please ...

Stephen		Whoops! Hahaha ...

	Stephen tries to push Deborah's head down.

Deborah		Just a piece of bread, a biscuit, anything.

Hugh		Aunt Amanda?

Deborah		(Popping up) Neville! Oh thank God!

Hugh		Are you alright?

Stephen		(Standing in front of her) Oh dear. Oh dear,
		oh dear.

Hugh		What's the matter?

Deborah		I'm starving. Have you brought any food?

Stephen		Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I'll never forgive
		myself for this. You should have been spared this.
		I'd give anything for you to have been spared this.

Hugh		You told me she was dead.

Deborah		Who was dead?

Stephen		As if the shock of the news was not enough,
		you've now had to see this. I'm so sorry. So
		very sorry.

Hugh		What are you talking about?

Stephen		I'm sorry that you should be confronted with the
		body in this fashion. It's all very distressing.

Hugh		Body?

Stephen		Still, spiritually she's in a better place now. Let's
		be grateful for that.

Hugh		She's standing right there.


Stephen		Well of course her body is right there, but her soul
		... Who knows what beautiful journey ... ?

Deborah		Please, Neville, have you got any food?

Hugh		Food? No. Are you hungry?

Deborah		I haven't eaten since lunchtime yesterday.

Hugh		Lunchtime yesterday? What's the matter, don't you
		feed people here at all?

Stephen		Of surely course.

Hugh		You do?

Stephen		Indeed yes. Our guests have had more hot dinners
		than you've had ... than you've had.

Hugh		Then why hasn't my aunt been fed since
		yesterday?

Stephen		Ah. You're a stranger to death, I can see. Let
		me just say, as simply as I can, that it is deeply
		unusual to give food to dead people.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		Unless, of course, it is specified in the will.
		Otherwise we tend to look upon it as a needless
		extravagance. However, if it is your wish ...

Hugh		What are you talking about? My aunt is not dead.

Stephen		Are you a medical person?

Hugh		No.

Stephen		Ah.

Hugh		Look, she's standing there, talking and
		breathing ...

Deborah		(Faintly) Aaagh ...

Hugh		... just ... and you're telling me that she's dead.

Stephen		I can readily understand that the effect of the
		shock taken with the friendly brightness of our
		decor would make it hard for you to grasp ...

Hugh		She is not dead. (To Deborah) Are you?

Deborah		No.

Hugh		There.

Stephen		Oh I know how much you want to believe it.
		Otherwise how could you stand the loss? But you
		see, I too have lost. When dear old fourteen died,
		a little part of me died with her.

Hugh		Did it?

Stephen		Yes, I shall be burying that little part of me this
		afternoon after a simple but affecting ceremony in
		the garden. Would you like to come?

Hugh		Look. Why do you keep saying that she's dead?
		Just tell me ...

Stephen		Well, if it won't be too painful ...

Hugh		No go on. I'm keen to know.

Stephen		Brave, brave nephew. What happened was this. I
		sent out a final reminder, thirty days after the last
		payment fell due, and believe me, even at that
		stage I still hoped that all might be well ...

Hugh		Wait a minute. Payment for what?

Stephen		Why, room and board. Payment comes due on
		a monthly basis. Most of our guests favour an
		arrangement whereby ...

Hugh		You mean she hasn't paid her bill?

Stephen		Sadly, no. We're all so very sorry. My deepest and
		most heartfelt condolences to you.

Hugh		How much?

Stephen		Your very pardon?

Hugh		How much does she owe?

Stephen		A very tragic one hundred and nineteen pounds
		and seven pence.

Hugh		(Getting out cheque book) Well for goodness sake,
		(Writing) one hundred ... nineteen pounds and
		seven ... pence. There.

Stephen		(Taking it without looking - his gaze is fixed on 
		Deborah, who has started to eat the desk blotter)
		Fourteen! Can it be true? Can I be believant of
		my eyes! I'm sure I saw ... (To Hugh, briskly)
		Would you mind putting your card number on the
		back?

	Hugh does so and hands over the cheque.

		Yes! She moves, she stirs, she seems to feel the
		breath of a life beneath her keel. It's a miracle! A
		miracle!

	A porter enters wheeling a conspicuously dead person 
	on a trolley.

		Number twelve! Look at this! Number fourteen
		has come back to life! Oh wonder of wonders!

Hugh		Now come on, that woman really is dead.

Stephen		On the contrary, sir. She has a standing order.

Stephen		(Wrinkling nose in disgust) Oh
		that's horrid. That's really
		horrid. Disgusting. Is it Welsh?