Inspector Venice

	A woman answers the door. Hugh is standing there, in 
	a raincoat and pork pie hat.


Hugh		Good evening, Chief Inspector Venice, Burnham
		CID. May I come in?

Woman		Of course you can, dear. It's your house.

	She turns and walks away, leaving the door open.

Hugh		You stupid woman! You stupid bloody woman!
		Come back here! Are you mad? I could be
		anybody! I could be a maniac!

Woman		You're my husband, dear.

Hugh		How do you know that? I mean how do you know
		that? Have I produced any identification?

Woman		No.

Hugh		No, exactly.

Woman		But ...

Hugh		Ask to see my warrant card.

Woman		(Sighs) Can I see your warrant card, dear?

Hugh		Certainly madam. A very wise precaution, if I
		may say so.

	Hugh produces warrant card, and holds it under 
	her nose.

Woman		Good, now do you ...

Hugh		Well look at it! You haven't even looked at it!
		Jesus, I could have bought this in Whitechapel,
		for all you know. I could be a maniac with a fake
		warrant card.

Woman		Alright. "Chief Inspector ...

Hugh		Don't leave the door open! God almighty! Use the
		chain, woman! What do you think it's there for?

	She closes door. Hugh stays outside which she reads 
	the card.

Woman		(Off) "Chief Inspector Venice, Burnham CID."

	She opens the door again.

		Now come in and have your dinner, dear.

Hugh		Come in where?

Woman		The kitchen.

Hugh		I'm sorry. I have no authorisation to enter the
		kitchen.

Woman		You don't need it. It's your kitchen.

Hugh		Our kitchen, dear.

Woman		Our kitchen.

Hugh		You know perfectly well, I cannot enter our
		kitchen without your special permission.

Woman		You have my permission.

Hugh		Haven't you forgotten something, dear?

Woman		What?

Hugh		We agreed that we would both get telephone
		confirmation of the other's identity, before either
		of us gave special permission.

Woman		Oh Christ.

Hugh		Here's the telephone, dear. And remember. Better
		safe than cut up into tiny pieces by a maniac
		pretending to be me.

	She dials.

Woman		Burnham CID? Have you got an Inspector Venice
		in your department? (Pause) Thank you very much
		indeed.

Hugh		Well?

Woman		They've never heard of you.

Hugh		Damn. Anyway, what's for supper? Smells great.

Woman		They've never heard of Inspector Venice.

Hugh		Probably just a joke. We're always having jokes,
		down the station.

Woman		You're not a policeman, are you?

Stephen		No. No, I'm not.

Hugh		What are you?

Stephen		A maniac.

Hugh		Desmond Lynam. Yeah, Desmond
		Lynam. Roughly equivalent to
		Malcolm Muggeridge in old money.