A Bit of a Pain in the Bottom

	Stephen enters a surgery. Hugh is sitting behind a desk.


Stephen		Hello, Doctor.

Hugh		Ah, come in. Look, you're the last, do you mind if
		this is very quick?

Stephen		Er ... no.

Hugh		Alright then, how can I help?

Stephen		(Very fast) Well Doctor, the fact is that I've got a
		bit of a pain in the bottom.

Hugh		(Just as fast, if not faster) A bit of a pain in the
		bottom, I see. How did this happen?

Stephen		Well I was out shopping this afternoon, and across
		the other side of the road a bomb went off in
		a shop.

Hugh		A bomb? Good heavens!

Stephen		Yes, and anyway, the whole pane of glass in the
		window of the shop next to me blew out.

Hugh		The whole pane?

Stephen		Yes, and anyway, a bit of the pane flew out and hit
		me in the arm.

Hugh		The arm.

Stephen		Yes. So I dropped my shopping, unfortunately on
		the foot of a horse that was standing in the street.

Hugh		A horse?

Stephen		Yes. A horse. Are you deaf? And the horse shied
		and just as I was bending down to pick up my
		shopping this horse kicked me in the other arm.

Hugh		The other arm? I see.

Stephen		So I went over to a doorway and sat down. But
		I didn't look where I was sitting, there was glass
		everywhere, and as I sat down I got a bit of glass
		right in the palm of my hand.

Hugh		Palm of your hand?

Stephen		Yes and I had this bottle of strong acid in my bag
		and unbeknownst to me I spilt some on the step
		when I stood up, sharply, from the pain of the bit
		of pane of glass in the palm of my hand.

Hugh		I see, you spilt some acid.

Stephen		So then I caught the bus home.

Hugh		You caught the bus home.

Stephen		Yes, you are deaf. And on the bus I sat next to
		this pervert. He took out this enormous carrot, and
		at knife point he ...

Hugh		Good Lord.

Stephen		He made me put it up my nose, while he watched.

Hugh		Heavens.

Stephen		So I ran out of the bus, which was moving, so I
		landed with a great bump and grazed my knee.
		But eventually I got home.

Hugh		Good.

Stephen		And I rushed to the bathroom because I was dying
		to go, you know ...

Hugh		Mmm.

Stephen		But I rushed out of the bathroom, because there's
		no toilet in there, and I went into the lavatory
		instead. But there wasn't any paper.

Hugh		Ah!

Stephen		So I had to get some from the cupboard. I then
		went upstairs to change, and there was a wasp in
		my new pair of trousers.

Hugh		Oh, a wasp!

Stephen		Yes, so I killed it. Then I went downstairs and
		watched television.

Hugh		Mmm.

Stephen		And it was that Paul Daniels, who's a bit of a pain
		in the bottom. Doctor, what can you do about it?

Hugh		Doh!

Stephen		Doh!

Both		Doh!!!

Stephen		I said to him, he must have
		been about fourteen, then. I
		said "Son, you can't carry on
		forever just hanging onto your
		mother's apron. She's going to
		want it back one day."