Orthodoxy

	Headmaster's study. Stephen is behind a desk. Quite 
	a public-schooly sort of study, but not overdone. Not 
	actually window seats and old English Gothic windows,
	but quite cosy nonetheless. Enter Hugh dressed as a 
	schoolboy. Grey uniform, darkish tie. Dull appearance.


Stephen		Ah, Bamford, come in, come in.

Hugh		Thank you, sir.

Stephen		So, Bamford. First day at St Gray's, eh?

Hugh		Yes, sir.

Stephen		Getting on alright?

Hugh		(Shy) Not too bad thank you, sir.

Stephen		Not too bad thank you, sir. Not too bad thank you,
		sir. Good, good. Good, good, good. You'll find it
		strange at first I dare say.

Hugh		It's a bit hard to find my feet, sir, yes.

Stephen		Really, well we'll have to do something about
		that. Some sort of name-tape sewn into them may
		help. But the first few days are always a little
		bewildering.

Hugh		Yes sir.

Stephen		Mind you Bamford, if you were to believe
		everything you read on the television you'd think
		new boys spent their days being roasted in front of
		fires and having dessert fruits pushed up their ...
		their ... there couldn't be less truth in that, could
		there, Bamford?

Hugh		No, sir.

Stephen		No, sir. Quite right. Schools like ours have survived
		because they've moved into the modern age,
		Bamford. Progress, Bamford.

Hugh		Sir.

Stephen		Progress isn't a dirty word, you know. Arse is a
		dirty word, and so, to some extent, is labia. Learn
		that, Bamford, learn and obey.

Hugh		Yes, sir. I will.

Stephen		But progress is the towel that rubs us dry. Each
		soft cotton flick of progress can penetrate the
		darkest, dampest corners of our mired and filthy
		selves, and polish us clean.

Hugh		I didn't know that, sir.

Stephen		Well Bamford, now you do, now you do. Good.
		Oh good. First class. Fine. Splendid. Sp-len-did.
		Excellent. Eccelente.

Hugh		Um, was there anything else?

Stephen		Hm? Yes, yes indeed there was anything else.
		There's a rumour going around the Lower Fourth
		that you have an uncle who is a Member of
		Parliament.

Hugh		Yes, sir.

Stephen		A Labour Member of Parliament, Bamford.

Hugh		Sir.

Stephen		Now, on the whole, boys are a pretty healthy,
		tolerant and forgiving lot, Bamford. But they
		can be cruel. You can answer this next question
		with perfect frankness, it won't transgress that
		schoolboy code we masters know and respect
		so well. Have you been teased at all about this
		unfortunate relationship?

Hugh		Well sir, not teased exactly ... more, well,
		beaten up.

Stephen		I see. I'm sorry you saw fit to sneak on your
		schoolmates, Bamford. That disappoints me. I
		shall overlook it this time.

Hugh		Thank you, sir.

Stephen		You're a new bug after all. Do you know why they
		have been ballyragging you?

Hugh		I must say, I'm a bit puzzled by it, to be frank, sir.

Stephen		Well, you see, in my history and general study
		lessons I sometimes speak about Socialism and I
		expect that's made something of an impression on
		your classmates. Their political zeal may have got
		the better of them.

Hugh		Oh.

Stephen		You see, I tell the boys, Bamford, and this may
		come as quite a shock to you, that while socialism
		is all very well in practice it doesn't work in theory.

Hugh		I didn't know that, sir.

Stephen		Yes. Quite a thought isn't it?

Hugh		And that's why they punch me in the face a lot,
		is it sir?

Stephen		Well Bamford, they know that the real evil of
		socialism lies in it's treatment of people as units.
		It discounts the individual, Bamford. It's the grey,
		dull uniformity of it all.

Hugh		Yes, sir.

Stephen		And the - have you got your top button undone,
		Bamford?

Hugh		Oh, yes, sir.

Stephen		(As if reciting a catechism) "The top button to
		be done up only on Crimson Days or on the
		Thursday preceding exeats, otherwise the middle
		button unless you have a note from matron to say
		you have a veruka in which case the bottom button
		may be done up, but only if the left sock is rolled
		halfway down between patella and Achilles tendon
		on a line previously drawn by Mr de Vere."

Hugh		Sorry, sir, I forgot.

Stephen		Alright. Don't let it happen again. Where was I?

Hugh		Grey dull uniformity of it all, sir.

Stephen		Yes. Yes, exactly. Regimented lines of soulless
		automata, putting state before self, sacrificing
		everything for "the good of the state" - it's a
		nightmare. That's the drawback of socialism, it
		discounts the - the what, boy?

Hugh		The person, sir?

Stephen		No, the individual! Get it right. The individual
		is paramount in any political system - your hair
		is two thirds of an inch over the collar, see Mr
		Buttaris for a licking - individualism is all. Alright,
		Bamford. That's all. We shall all make a mighty
		effort to overlook your uncle for the moment.

Hugh		Thank you sir.

Stephen		Good. And cheer up, eh? I know you'll do your
		best, what?

Hugh		I'll try, sir.

Stephen		That's right, boy. For the good of the school, eh?
		For the good of the dear old school. After all, we
		can point with pride at our history as the finest
		comprehensive in Durham, can't have you letting
		the side down. Off you go.

Hugh		Thank you, sir.

Stephen		(Getting cane out of drawer) And send Scargill minor
		in, would you?