A Frank Talk

	Stephen is getting out a couple of glasses and a bottle of 
	whisky in the kitchen of his house. Hugh is sitting at 
	the table looking faintly embarrassed.


Stephen		We'll wait for the ladies to get back from the
		theatre shall we?

Hugh		Yes, yes - good idea.

Stephen		I don't know what they see in it myself. Sitting
		there in the dark watching a lot of old nonsense.

Hugh		Oh well, they seem to enjoy it.

Stephen		I don't know about you, but I go to the theatre to
		be entertained.

Hugh		Well, I think they do too.

Stephen		If I want to see a lot of swearing and pretentious
		drivel I can stay at home.

Hugh		Still, anyway. They've been looking forward to it
		for a long time.

Stephen		(Pouring out the drinks) Right. Right.

Hugh		I've been looking forward to this, as a matter of
		fact, Matthew: this opportunity for a frank talk.

Stephen		Yes. Good. It's always nice to have a good - water?

Hugh		Thanks.

Stephen		(Adding water to Hugh's drink) - chat, isn't it?

Hugh		Mm. How long have I known you and Sarah now?

Stephen		Hoo, ch. What, must be nigh on.

Hugh		More I should think.

Stephen		Right. Possibly even more.

Hugh		You and Sarah are quite a couple.

Stephen		Well, I'll tell you this, Dominic. I don't know
		where I'd be without Sarah.

Hugh		Ah.

Stephen		Amazing woman. I think I love her more now than
		when I first met her. Be nothing without her. Lost.
		A shadow. Nothing. A blank. A zero.

Hugh		Mm.

Stephen		God I love her.

Hugh		Right. Thing is. Mm. Well. You know Mary and I
		have been going through a sticky patch lately?

Stephen		(Surprised) No. No, I didn't know that. A
		sticky patch.

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		What sort of sticky patch?

Hugh		Well, just a general sort of, you know, sticky
		patch really.

Stephen		Oh dear. Nasty things sticky patches.

Hugh		They can be, certainly. You and Sarah have
		never ... ?

Stephen		What? No. Not us. We're a team. Never had a
		sticky patch between us. Do you know in the
		fifteen years we've been married, I've never so
		much as looked at another woman.

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		Well, except my mother of course.

Hugh		Um ...

Stephen		But then you have to look at your own mother,
		don't you. Rude not to. And I know Sarah's
		the same.

Hugh		She's never ... ?

Stephen		No. She'd never betray me.

Hugh		She'd never, for instance, have a ten year love
		affair with, say, your best friend, for the sake of,
		say, argument, say?

Stephen		Sarah? No. She'd rather cut the legs off her
		favourite table. Faithful as the day is long.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		Anyway. This frank talk.

Hugh		Ah.

Stephen		You had something you wanted to say?

Hugh		Right. Yes.

Stephen		Fire away then.

Hugh		This isn't easy. It's just that - well, that ten year-
		old love affair I mentioned -

Stephen		Mary.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		Oh no. Don't tell me. You've discovered that your
		wife Mary has been having an affair. Dominic, I
		don't know what to say.

Hugh		No, no. Mary wouldn't betray me, I know that -
		that's what makes it all so difficult.

Stephen		I was going to say. I was pretty sure Mary and I
		have kept it pretty discreet.

Hugh		It's the other way round, I - what?

Stephen		What?

Hugh		What did you say just now?

Stephen		Oh nothing. Just that I was sure Mary and I had
		been far too discreet for you to notice that we've
		been having a wild affair under your very nose
		for the last - twelve years I should say. At the
		very least.

Hugh		You and Mary have been ...

Stephen		Oh God yes.

Hugh		But you said you would never look at another
		woman apart from Sarah and your mother.

Stephen		And Mary, obviously. That goes without saying.

Hugh		Well, that makes what I was going to say a lot
		easier then.

Stephen		Oh yes?

Hugh		It may interest you to know that your beloved
		Sarah and I have also been having an affair for
		... well for eleven years anyway.

Stephen		I beg your pardon? You and Sarah?

Hugh		Yes, I thought that might shake you up a bit.

Stephen		You pair of deceitful, two-timing -

	Enter Sarah and Mary.

Mary		Hello, you two.

Sarah		Look at them both, up with the whisky bottle. I
		don't know.

Hugh		Mary. Darling, is it true that you and, that the
		pair of you have been ...

Stephen		Sarah, tell me. It isn't true that the two of you have
		... is it? Tell me it isn't.

	Sarah and Mary look at each other and sigh.

Sarah		We were going to tell you anyway, weren't we
		darling?

Mary		Yes, we were. Tonight in fact.

Sarah		Mary and I have been having an affair for the last
		fourteen years.

Mary		A very passionate affair.

Sarah		Strikingly passionate.

Hugh		You what?

Mary		I don't know how you found out.

Sarah		(To Mary) You didn't leave the thingy lying around
		did you?

Stephen		No, I meant you and Dominic. You and Dominic
		have been having an affair for the last eleven
		years at least.

Hugh		And you and Matthew, Mary.

Sarah		Oh that. Well that was just a diversion really.

Stephen		Oh was it? Well, Dominic, it makes it a lot easier
		for us to tell them, doesn't it?

Hugh		It certainly does. It may interest you to know that
		Matthew and I have been - how shall I phrase it?

Stephen		Bed-mates?

Sarah		Lovers?

Mary		Sex-friends?

Stephen		Joy-partners?

Sarah		Bliss buddies?

Hugh		Yes, well, any one of those for the past - what?

Stephen		Hoo, it's got to be at least eighteen or twenty
		hasn't it?

Hugh		Yes, for the last eighteen or twenty years.

Sarah		Well.

Mary		Frankly.

Sarah		So. you're saying that we have all been to bed
		with each other.

Stephen		That seems to be about the size of it, yes.

Mary		Though seperately.

Hugh		Yes, seperately, obviously.

Stephen		In every possible combination.

Sarah		Well. What a kerfuffle. What a business.

Mary		I don't know what to say.

Stephen		It is something of a how-do-you-do, isn't it?

Hugh		Well. So. What do we do?

Stephen		I should have thought it was obvious.

Mary		You mean ... ?

Sarah		Only thing to do?

Hugh		What?

Sarah		Let's all go to bed.

Hugh		Oh. Right.

	They all trot off to bed.

Stephen		(Smelling a bottle of something 
		and handing it back) I don't
		know. Kenneth Baker perhaps.
		Nicholas Wychell?