Café

	Stephen enters a café. Hugh is behind the counter,
	wearing an apron and wiping the counter.


Stephen		Morning.

Hugh		Morning.

Stephen		I'd like a tuna sandwich and a tea, please.

Hugh		So would I, to be perfectly honest.

Stephen		I beg your pardon?

Hugh		Well I don't know about the tuna sandwich -
		maybe a doughnut - but I'd certainly like a tea.
		I'm dying of thirst.

Stephen		Oh dear, well, can I have one as well?

Hugh		What?

Stephen		A tea.

Hugh		You're asking me?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Oh, ahaha. I think there's been a bit of a
		misunderstanding. I don't actually work here.

Stephen		Don't you?

Hugh		No.

Stephen		Oh I'm so sorry. I thought ...

Hugh		Oh, the apron and everything ... yes. No I don't
		work here. No no no. Haha. That's quite funny
		actually.

	They both look down the counter, as if to find 
	the owner.

Stephen		Well ... is it closed?

Hugh		I don't think so. They'd have put the sign up.

Stephen		Yes, I thought it said "open".

Hugh		Yeah, I think it's open. Cor, I could murder a
		doughnut, couldn't you?

Stephen		Actually yes, a doughnut would be nice.

Hugh		I was thinking maybe I could just take one, and
		then leave the money on the side. What d'you
		reckon?

Stephen		It's a possibility, I suppose.

Hugh		'Course, I don't know how much they are.

Stephen		Errm ...

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		Well, if you don't work here, why are you behind
		the counter?

Hugh		Me?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		I'm an undercover policeman.

Stephen		Are you?

Hugh		Yeah.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		Phwor. Those doughnuts are driving me potty. I'm
		going to have to put them away in a minute.

Stephen		Right, yes. You're not very far undercover, are you?

Hugh		How d'you mean?

Stephen		Well, I mean what's the point of being undercover,
		if you're going to tell me that you're undercover?

Hugh		(Quite a long pause) Actually, that's quite a
		good point.

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		What you're saying is, I shouldn't have told you
		that I was an undercover policeman?

Stephen		Precisely.

Hugh		Yeah, that's a good point. Because basically, you
		now know that I'm a policeman.

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		So the whole reason for me putting on this apron
		and standing here since eight o'clock this morning
		... is, well, wasted really.

Stephen		I'd have thought so. I mean, it's none of my
		business.

Hugh		No no no. Don't ever say that. Don't ever say it's
		none of your business. No, we need the public to
		come forward. Believe me, we're very grateful.

Stephen		Not at all.

Hugh		Of course, we also need the public to shut up and
		not tell anyone else that I'm a policeman.

Stephen		Well of course.

Hugh		Good. That is a very good point, though. Don't
		say you're an undercover policeman. Yeah.
		Thanks.

Stephen		So, are you waiting for some criminal or
		something?

Hugh		That's right, funnily enough, yes. I'm waiting for a
		criminal, and when he enters the premises, let me
		put it this way, he can expect a warm reception.

Stephen		I see. That should be exciting.

Hugh		People often say that, but no, it's not exciting. It's
		ninety-nine per cent routine legwork.

Stephen		Right.

Hugh		You're not a criminal by any chance, are you?

Stephen		Me?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Oh good. Because I'd have had to give you a
		warm reception if you were.

Stephen		But then of course, I probably wouldn't tell you
		if I was.

Hugh		Yeah. Right.

Stephen		Now that I know you're a policeman.

Hugh		Oh I get you. You wouldn't tell me, because you
		now know I'm a policeman.

Stephen		Yes. That's if I was the criminal.

Hugh		Right. Right. Are you the criminal?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Oh good.

Stephen		But the point is, I might be.

Hugh		Oh hold up, you've gone all strange again. You
		just said you weren't.

Stephen		I'm not.

Hugh		Good.

Stephen		But I might be.

Hugh		This is getting stupid.

Stephen		Not really. You see, if I was a criminal, I wouldn't
		tell you that I was. If I wasn't, I also wouldn't
		tell you that I was. So just because I say I'm not,
		doesn't mean I'm not. A criminal.

Hugh		Slippery sod, aren't you?

Stephen		I beg your pardon?

Hugh		You read a lot of books, I suppose?

Stephen		Well, you know ...

Hugh		One of my regrets about the police force. No time
		for reading.

Stephen		Mmm. Pity.

Hugh		Do you want to share a doughnut with me?

Stephen		Er, no thanks.

	Hugh breaks a doughnut in two, and gives one half to 
	Stephen.

Hugh		There you go.

Stephen		No, really I won't thank you.

Hugh		There you go.

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Take it.

Stephen		No!

	Hugh pushes half the doughnut into Stephen's face.

		What are you doing?

Hugh		Giving you half this doughnut.

Stephen		I don't want it!

Hugh		You think I'm stupid.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		Just because you've read books and I haven't, you
		think I'm stupid.

Stephen		No I don't.

Hugh		If you didn't want a doughnut, you'd say you
		wanted a doughnut. So just because you're a
		criminal doesn't mean that I don't have to give you
		a doughnut, because you've said you didn't want a
		doughnut in the first place which is actually what
		you'd say if this doughnut was a policeman.

Stephen		You're mad.

Hugh		Mad am I? Your first mistake. I never told you I
		was mad. I told you I was a policeman. But you've
		just said that I'm a mad policeman. How could
		you have known that, without me telling you? So
		I must have told you. Except that I didn't, so how
		do you know?

Stephen		It's obvious.

Hugh		I've got nothing against where I
		live now. It's just a bit detached.