Psychiatrist

	Hugh, American, is standing, Stephen, English, lies on 
	a couch.


Hugh		Are you at ease and relaxed, Mr Lloyd?

Stephen		Yes, very. This is a very comfortable chair.

Hugh		That is no accident, Mr Lloyd. It was designed by
		a friend of mine, to my specifications, purposely to
		relax you and place you fully at your ease.

Stephen		Well it is very comfortable.

Hugh		My friend will be delighted to hear that. Now,
		Frank - I shall be calling you Frank through the
		duration of these sessions. Okay by you?

Stephen		Fine.

Hugh		I have found that that also helps relax you into a
		state where you feel able to talk freely with me. Is
		it working?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Good. Now ...

Stephen		My name is Jonathan, I don't know if that -

Hugh		Good. Already we're finding out new things. Now
		Frank, I want you to take a deep breath through
		your mouth.

Stephen		(Doing so) Haah!

Hugh		Fine. Now I'd like you to breathe out through
		your nose.

	Stephen snots slightly in obeying this request.

		In through the mouth, out through the nose. Do
		you know what this is called, Frank?

Stephen		Breathing.

Hugh		That's nice. Frank, this is called inter-oral, extra-
		nasal respiratory relaxant therapy, and - as the
		name implies - this an American technique.
		Good and calm and regular. Frank, I want now that
		you should allow your mind to take you backward
		in time. Think yourself back and back and back.

Stephen		Right.

Hugh		Have you gone back?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		You've gone back. What do you see in your mind's
		eye, Frank?

Stephen		The Spanish Armada.

Hugh		Frank, you may have gone back too far there. I'm
		talking of your memories Frank. Your childhood
		status. I want to investigate all the sense data
		of your infancy. Go back to when you were in
		second grade.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		Second grade.

Stephen		I don't know what that is. I've never understood
		it when people talk about grades and semesters
		in films.

Hugh		OK Frank, maintain your respiratory rhythms and
		let's turn then, if we may, to your dreams. You
		dream, Frank?

Stephen		Yes I do, yes as it happens, yes.

Hugh		You do? Well that's fine. Are you able at this time
		to recall to the surface of your conciousness any
		recurrent nocturnal dream sequences for me?

Stephen		Well I do have one recurring dream as a matter of
		fact.

Hugh		Well now, let's take time off Frank, to analyse that
		sequence together.

Stephen		It is rather a strange dream.

Hugh		Is it Frank, a dream of an erotic nature I wonder?

Stephen		No, not really.

Hugh		Oh. Well I'd still like to hear it.

Stephen		As I say it's a bit odd.

Hugh		Ordinarily, Frank, the more bizarre or outre the
		dream, the more readily susceptible to positive
		interpretation is thusly renders itself to become.
		On the converse side of the bull-pen, simpler
		dream experiences are more resistant to explication
		and offer a much more complex morphology to
		the professional inquirer bold enough howso to
		venture therein.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		But hey, Frank! That's my problem. You've got a
		dream, let's share it. What do you say?

Stephen		Are you sure this is going to get us anywhere?

Hugh		Depends where you want to be, Frank.

Stephen		Well ...

Hugh		Where do you want to be?

Stephen		Well I want -

Hugh		I want to be there too, Frank. I want to take you
		there. (Putting his arm on Stephen's shoulder) Don't
		be scared. Do I scare you, Frank?

Stephen		No, not really.

Hugh		You sure about that?

Stephen		Well, a bit perhaps.

Hugh		(Incredibly loudly) I'm going to kill you!

Stephen		(Starting) Jesus!

Hugh		That scared you, didn't it?

Stephen		Yes. Yes it did, actually.

Hugh		Good, I like to know the thresholds within which I
		have to operate. Putting my hand on your shoulder
		did not scare you. Shouting loudly in your ear that
		I was going to kill you, did. Those are my limits.
		My ceiling and floor if you will.

Stephen		Do you want to hear this dream or not?

Hugh		I very much want to hear this dream, Frank. I do
		really. Shoot.

Stephen		Well, I'm in a corridor -

Hugh		Frank, I have a small tape-recorder here. Do you
		mind if I - ?

Stephen		No, no. Good idea. This is quite a complicated
		dream.

Hugh		Thank you.

Stephen		I'm in a big building. I think it's a hospital ...

	Hugh switches on his tape-recorder: pop music comes 
	out. Hugh taps his feet and joins in the singing.

		What are you ... ?

Hugh		Please continue, Frank.

Stephen		I think it's a hospital, but it isn't. It's some kind
		of institution. There's a big staircase, a uniformed
		man at the top. Janitor or something. He beckons
		to me ... look, I can't concentrate with this
		going on.

Hugh		(Turning it off) I do most sincerely beg your
		pardon, Frank. Please continue.

Stephen		Well, anyway, the janitor beckons to me and then I
		wake up.

Hugh		You wake up. I see. Now this sounds ...

Stephen		And almost immediately I'm chosen for a
		bathroom wall.

Hugh		Frank, I've never thought of myself as a stupid
		man, but even so I think I'm going to need a little
		help understanding that last sentence. You were
		chosen for a bathroom wall.

Stephen		Well the thing is, you see, I haven't woken up at
		all. I've only woken up in the dream. I wake up
		and find that I'm the colour blue.

Hugh		The colour blue.

Stephen		That's right. And somebody chooses me for their
		bathroom wall.

Hugh		I see. And do you then become the colour of
		that wall?

Stephen		No. As it happens, I'm a particular shade of
		blue that's very difficult to get in the shops. The
		bathroom wall ends up with a bit too much green
		in it. But we get on reasonably well.

Hugh		I'm sorry?

Stephen		The colour of the bathroom wall and I get on
		pretty well. There are no hard feelings.

Hugh		I see. This bathroom, Frank. Does it belong
		to a lady?

Stephen		Er ... yes, I think so.

Hugh		And she likes to bathe in this bath in this
		bathroom?

Stephen		Well I suppose so.

Hugh		Are you attracted to her?

Stephen		Well no. I'm the colour blue, how could I ... ?

Hugh		But she's attracted to you.

Stephen		Well ...

Hugh		She chose you, Frank. Out of all the other
		colours, she chose you.

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		There you go. She was attracted to you, Frank.

Stephen		She chose me because I reminded her of
		the colour of a bruise she once had on her
		inner thigh.

Hugh		Now we're getting somewhere, Frank. You
		remember being the colour of this bruise?

Stephen		Vaguely.

Hugh		This is an interesting sequence, Frank. What
		happens next?

Stephen		I tell you how my dream continues, I think.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		I find myself in the corridor in a large house just
		outside Taunton and Prince Edward is running
		towards me, he's about to bowl a cricket ball at me
		and I haven't got a bat. Prince Edward is running
		in to bowl and I haven't got a bat. What does
		that mean?

Hugh		Just may be a little early to say yet, Frank.

Stephen		But suddenly I find it isn't Prince Edward after all,
		it's Bob Holness.

Hugh		Come again for me?

Stephen		Bob Holness. You know, "Blockbusters". Bob turns
		to me and I catch sight of his face, it's a twisted
		grinning mask of contorted harted and frenzy. I
		look down and I find I have got a bat. I didn't
		have a bat when it was Prince Edward but I did
		when it was Bob Holness. Why? Why? Am I mad?

Hugh		Mad? Frank, "mad" is not a word I like to use.
		Let's just say that half of us is always "mad",
		disordered, wild and the other half is sane,
		rational, in control.

Stephen		Oh I see. You mean there's two sides to every
		person?

Hugh		No, I mean the two of us. Half of us is sane,
		that's me, and the other half is mad, that's
		you, Frank.

Stephen		I must say you seem rather unorthodox. The last
		man I saw just gave me a couple of fillings.

Hugh		Dentistry has made many advances, Frank.

Stephen		Obviously.

Hugh		Yeah I've been there once
		or twice, but I didn't much
		like it. There's another one
		on the A12 which I think
		is better.