Madness

	Stephen addresses the camera, the way he often does.
	He is talking to Dr Marjorie who is a distinguished- 
	looking woman, wearing a badge that says "Say no to 
	madness".


Stephen		Every day in Britain, more than ten million
		people are mad. That's the worrying conclusion
		contained in a report just published entitled "Is
		Britain Turning Into a Nation Of Mad People?"
		Dr Mijory Marjorie is with me now. Dr Marjorie,
		just how serious is this problem ...

Deborah		It's very serious in ...

Stephen		Wait a minute, I haven't finished.

Deborah		Sorry.

Stephen		... in real terms?

Deborah		(Pause) OK?

Stephen		Yes, go on.

Deborah		It's very serious indeed. In 1957, when records
		began, we were I think, the sixth maddest country
		in Europe. Whereas last year's figures show
		that now, Britain, I'm afraid, leads the European
		Community ...

Stephen		And it is a community, isn't it?

Deborah		Yes ... Britain now leads Europe in terms of
		being mad.

Stephen		That's a worrying trend certainly.

Deborah		You're very kind.

Stephen		Not at all. Now, Dr Marjorie, in case any viewers
		have just this moment tuned in, would you mind
		having this whole conversation all over again?

Deborah		Fine with me.

Stephen		Is Britain turning into a nation of mad people?
		Dr Mijory Marjorie is with me now. Dr Marjorie,
		how serious is this problem, in real terms?

Deborah		Not particularly.

Stephen		Not particularly what?

Deborah		Serious.

Stephen		Isn't it?

Deborah		No.

Stephen		I see. Right. When we talk about Britain being
		one of the maddest countries in Europe, exactly
		what sort of madness are we talking about?

Deborah		All sorts really - from the kind of madness that
		leads people to put on a hat whenever they get
		into a car, to the really extreme madness shown by
		people who write to "Points of View".

Stephen		Interesting. That's quite a broad basket of
		madness, isn't it?

Deborah		I think we've been pretty thorough.

Stephen		Right. Now, for those viewers who have only just
		tuned in right this second, I think it might be
		worth you investing in a copy of the Radio Times,
		don't you? So that you can plan your viewing
		properly. After all, you wouldn't start reading
		a book at chapter five, would you?

Deborah		You would if the first four chapters were rubbish.

Stephen		Oh be quiet. Now turning to the causes behind
		or beneath or even slightly to one side of Britain's
		increasing madness ... in a sense, what are they?

Deborah		Well, we examined a number of factors ...

Stephen		Sorry, who is "we"?

Deborah		My mother and I.

Stephen		Fine.

Deborah		... and a woman called Alice.

Stephen		Good.

Deborah		And we came up with some very interesting
		results. Essentially, madness is like charity. It
		begins in the home.

Stephen		Christ that's interesting.

Stephen		... Haha ... round the ring
		road ... hahaha ...