Jeremiah Beadle

	Hugh is a bank teller. Stephen approaches the counter 
	wearing some sort of mask and carrying a sawn-off 
	shotgun.


Stephen		Be clever.

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		Be clever. If you even breathe too loud, I'll blow
		you in half. Now, slowly and carefully, open the till
		and take out all the notes.

Hugh		All the notes?

Stephen		All the notes.

Hugh		Yes. Is your account actually with this branch?

Stephen		What?

Hugh		If not, I'll have to make a phone call. Shouldn't
		take long.

Stephen		If you even look at a telephone, I'll spread your
		brains all over the wall. I'm robbing the bank.

Hugh		Robbing the ... oh God.

Stephen		Now just take it easy.

Hugh		Oh God.

Stephen		Mouth shut. Nice and relaxed. Put all the notes
		into this bag.

Hugh		Don't kill me.

Stephen		Just do it, alright?

Hugh		Yes, yes. All the notes ...

Stephen		That's it. Nice and easy.

	Hugh nervously takes out all the cash, then suddenly 
	stops.

Hugh		Oh oh. Wait a minute.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		Oh I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

Stephen		Come on, I haven't got all day.

Hugh		Who put you up to this?

Stephen		Put me up ... ?

Hugh		It was Carol, wasn't it? I knew it! She's crazy,
		Tscch! Where's the camera then?

Stephen		What are you talking about?

Hugh		You're that Jeremy Beadle, aren't you?

Stephen		What!?

Hugh		I didn't recognise you at first. I'll kill her! She's a
		right minx. Oh I feel such an idiot!

Stephen		Listen, you twerp, put all the money ...

Hugh		I must say this is brilliant. You people are so
		clever. So when's it going to be on the television?

Stephen		Look, I am not Jeremy bleeding Beadle! Now put
		the notes in the bag.

Hugh		'Course you'll have to bleep that out, won't you?

Stephen		What?

Hugh		Jeremy bleeding Beadle. You can't really say
		Jeremy bleeding Beadle on family television.
		Unless of course "Bleeding" is actually your
		middle name.

Stephen		Look, I am not Jeremy Beadle. I don't look
		anything like Jeremy Beadle.

Hugh		Well not with that mask on, obviously.

	Stephen removes the mask.

Stephen		Satisfied?

Hugh		That's brilliant.

Stephen		What is?

Hugh		You've got a false head on, have you? That's
		incredible.

Stephen		If you don't fill that bag and pass it over in ten
		seconds, I'll kill you.

Hugh		I can't wait to see this.

Stephen		One, two ...

Hugh		Actually, to tell the truth, I used to prefer "Candid
		Camera" ...

Stephen		Five, six ...

Hugh		You just stole their idea, really, didn't you?

Stephen		Nine ...

Hugh		Oh I just wish I'd put that other shirt on this
		morning. Still ...

	Stephen fires into Hugh's chest. Lots of blood.

		(Dying) You will send me a tape, won't you?

Hugh		And if you don't like the shape
		you can scoop it out with
		your finger.