Fascism

	Hugh and Stephen are in white tie, drinking brandy,
	perhaps in a clubby sort of place. Maybe a portrait of 
	Hitler above a mantelpiece.


Hugh		Gayle?

Stephen		Yes, Leonard?

Hugh		How are we going to do it, I wonder?

Stephen		Do what?

Hugh		How are we going to make Fascism popular in this
		country? Popular and exciting.

Stephen		Oh that. Yes. That's become something of a
		madness with you, hasn't it?

Hugh		I believe it has become something of a madness
		with me.

Stephen		And yet, if anyone were to ask me, I would never
		say you were a mad person.

Hugh		I believe I pay you well enough for that service?

Stephen		Indeed yes. I didn't mean ...

Hugh		Perhaps it's that little touch of madness that keeps
		us all sane.

Stephen		Yes. I doubt it.

Hugh		But how are we to do it? How are we to make
		Fascism exciting and important?

Stephen		We must reach out to the young people.

Hugh		You think?

Stephen		Certainly. After all, the young people are the
		cornerstone of our society. The young people
		are the future.

Hugh		Yes. Or at least they will be.

Stephen		No. They are.

Hugh		Are they?

Stephen		Yes. They will be the present, but they are
		the future.

Hugh		Well well. So how can we make fascism live
		among the young people?

Stephen		We could advertise.

Hugh		Gayle, my dear old mucker, what are thinking
		of? Advertise?

Stephen		I am thinking, Leonard, that we must use today's
		tools for today's job.

Hugh		Go on.

Stephen		If we are to be successful.

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		In our venture.

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		That's it, I'm afraid.

Hugh		I see. And what are today's tool, in your opinion?

Stephen		Oh there are so many tools around today. Look
		at advertising. Pop music. Films. Magazines.
		Everywhere images of sexuality and coolness.

Hugh		Coolness.

Stephen		Coolness. Hipness. Laid backness. Not being a
		pratness.

Hugh		And so we must make fascism ...

Stephen		Cool.

Hugh		Cool.

Stephen		First, we must invent a fashion in clothing.

Hugh		Mmm. There must be leather.

Stephen		Leather, yes.

Hugh		And lace.

Stephen		Leather and lace, yes.

Hugh		With cotton facings.

Stephen		Excellent. Already you see, we have a look.

Hugh		And where shall we find them, these young
		people?

Stephen		Wherever blood and money and sexy talk flow
		freely, there will you find the young.

Hugh		And what will we say? How will we persuade them
		to surrender their ice-skating and their jazz music
		and turn to Fascism?

Stephen		Mm. Leonard, I wonder if you're not a little out
		of touch.

Hugh		Gayle, please. You are my lieutenant. My
		side-plate.

Stephen		Indeed.

Hugh		Tell me what I must say.

Stephen		You must say to the young people - Oh young
		people. You who are young and thrusting and
		urgent, there is a beat, a sound, a look that's new,
		that's you, that's positively yes!

Hugh		They'll laugh at me.

Stephen		At first ... and ultimately, yes. But in the middle,
		they'll listen.

Hugh		Hmm. Alright. Boys and girls, dig what I am about
		to say. Fascism is cool. Fascism is leather and lace
		with cotton facings.

Stephen		Good.

Hugh		Throw away those transistor radios. Come on
		out from those steamy parlours where the coffee
		is cheap and the love is free. Join us in our
		movement.

Stephen		And while their bodies jerk and jig to the music
		of those words, we must somehow introduce
		the subject of segregating races and abolishing
		elections.

Hugh		We could give away sachets of face-cream in our
		magazines.

Stephen		And for the women?

Hugh		Gayle. There is no place for women in our
		thousand year order.

Stephen		But Leonard, women do have certain useful
		functions.

Hugh		Such as?

Stephen		News reading.

Hugh		Why do you always insist on calling it that?

Stephen		It excites me.

Hugh		Now on the subject of racial purity, perhaps a
		national advertising campaign?

Stephen		Excellent.

Hugh		I will present it.

Stephen		Oh but you can't.

Hugh		And why not pray?

Stephen		Because God doesn't exist.

Hugh		No, I mean - and why not ... (Pause) pray?

Stephen		Because God does not ... (Pause) exist.

Hugh		Never mind. Why can't I front this national
		advertising campaign?

Stephen		Because your grandmother was a quarter Italian. I
		shall present the commercials.

Hugh		You? You, whose godfather is Jewish?

Stephen		At least my sister didn't marry a Welshman.

Hugh		Better marry a Welshman than eat Greek yoghurt.

Stephen		Rather Greek yoghurt than Cornish ice-cream.

Hugh		Stop, stop! Don't you see? They are turning
		us against each other. We shall present the
		commercials together.

Stephen		Yes. Together.

Hugh		Our slogan shall be - "Good old Fascism. As true
		today as it's always been."

Stephen		But Leonard, my dear old acquaintance, surely this
		is a new Fascism?

Hugh		Alright. "New Ph balanced Fascism, a whole new
		world of natural goodness, right there in the cup."

Stephen		Cup?

Hugh		Why not?

Stephen		What about - "Maureen Lipman with some letters
		from you about new Fascism".

Hugh		Would she do it?

Stephen		I don't see why not.

Hugh		I have it. "If you thought Fascism was just goose-
		steps and funny hats, then take a look at what
		we've been doing. Available in matchpots too."

Stephen		Das Sieg wird unser sein, as they say in Germany.

Hugh		Do you hate anyone enough to give them your last
		pot-noodle?

Stephen		Fascism. Half the fat, all the taste. That's the
		Fascist promise.

Hugh		From Lenor.

Stephen		It's Ideal.

Hugh		I wish I was young.

Stephen		Me too.

Hugh		It's just well laid out, you
		see. If you can imagine
		that the four star pumps
		are lined up there, and
		they've got the diesel and
		two star pumps opposite
		... well you see I much
		prefer that.