Cocoa

	An old people's home. Mr Simnock's room. Bed,
	sofa, etc.


Stephen		(Attendant) Alright, Mr Simnock?

Hugh		(Very, very old northerner) Eh?

Stephen		I say, are you alright, Mr Simnock?

Hugh		Smimble cocoa.

Stephen		Yes, you can have your cocoa in a minute. I'll
		draw the curtains shall I?

Hugh		Eh?

Stephen		I say, I'll draw the curtains - be a bit cosier. More
		cosy for you.

Hugh		Draw the curtains, cosy that. Cocoa.

Stephen		Yes, your cocoa's coming, Mr Simnock.

Hugh		Curtains.

Stephen		(Drawing them) There, that's better. Nights are
		drawing in now, aren't they, Mr Simnock? Getting
		more chilly by the day. I don't know, time just
		races by doesn't it? Seems like it was only
		yesterday that it was Christmas. Oh no, what's
		this? You've dropped your magazines.

Hugh		Didn't like them. Rubbish they were.

Stephen		I'll pick them up for you - let's see, what have we
		got here.

	As Stephen bends down to pick up the magazines,
	Hugh cuffs him a mighty blow on the ear.

		Ooh, there now. That wasn't very nice was it?
		Hitting me like that. What d'you want to go and
		do that for?

Hugh		Want me cocoa.

Stephen		Your cocoa's coming - though I'm not so sure
		as you deserve it, really acting up today like I
		shouldn't wonder. Whatever next? You're a bad
		man, Mr Simnock. I'll tuck you up, look.

Hugh		Ninety-two years old.

Stephen		That's right, ninety-two isn't it? Ninety-three come
		November.

Hugh		Ninety-two years old and I've never had oral sex.

Stephen		I should think not indeed. Oral sex! The idea.

Hugh		Never ridden a camel.

Stephen		Now you're just babbling, Mr Simnock.

Hugh		I've never watched a woman urinate.

Stephen		I shall get cross with you in a minute, I
		shall really.

Hugh		Never killed a man.

Stephen		Now Mr Simnock, there's a certain man that I
		shall start killing if he's not very careful, thank you
		very much.

Hugh		Never been inside an opera house. Never eaten a
		hamburger.

Stephen		You're a stupid silly old man and I won't have any
		nonsense.

Hugh		I'm fed up, me. Never done anything.

Stephen		Well, you're a bit chilly I shouldn't wonder. Your
		cocoa'll be along in a minute.

Hugh		Don't want any stupid cocoa.

Stephen		Now don't be contrary - you love your cocoa.

Hugh		I hate cocoa. Gets a skin on it.

Stephen		Not if you keep stirring it.

Hugh		Makes me kek that, makes we want to cat up. I
		want to drink milk from the breasts of a Burmese
		maiden.

Stephen		I don't know. What's the matter with you
		today, Mr Simnock? I think we'll have to put
		you on extra Vitamin E. Burmese maidens! In
		Todmorden.

Hugh		You've got bad breath you have.

Stephen		Now. Now, Mr Simnock, there's no call to be
		personal, I hope.

Hugh		Like rotting cabbages.

Stephen		I'm very angry with you, Mr Simnock.

Hugh		You're a great Nancy.

Stephen		I'm not a great Nancy, Mr Simnock, and you're
		wicked to say so.

Hugh		Great Nancy, Mary-Ann, bum-boy Nance. I bet
		you've never even done it.

Stephen		I won't have you talking like this Mr Simnock, I
		won't really.

Hugh		You shouldn't be in a place like this, your
		time of life.

Stephen		Someone's got to do it, Mr Simnock. Dedication,
		though why I bother -

Hugh		You should be out there having oral sex, killing
		people, watching women urinate in opera houses
		and eating hamburgers on camels. Drinking milk
		from the breasts of Nepalese maidens.

Stephen		It was Burmese last time.

Hugh		I've changed my mind. Nepalese. Instead you're
		stuck here taking rude talk from an old man.
		You're a Nancy, a great bog-breath Nancy.

Stephen		Ooh, you've really upset me today, Mr Simnock, you
		have really. I'm going out to hurry along your
		cocoa and when I get back I don't want any more
		nonsense. Honestly!

	Exit Stephen.

Hugh		(Calling after him) You're a screaming Bertie
		and you pong. (To himself) Never seen a woman
		urinate, not once. Tragic waste, that.

Stephen		(Re-entering) Now, I managed to intercept Mrs
		Gideon with the tray in the vestibule. So here's
		your cocoa, and don't say you aren't a lucky man
		to get it before the others.

Hugh		Hooray!

Stephen		There, that's the stuff isn't it?

Hugh		Cocoa.

Stephen		Yes. A certain naughty boy said some naughty
		things though, didn't he?

Hugh		I'm sorry Brian. Right sorry.

Stephen		Well there. As soon as you see your cocoa you
		mend your manners. I'm not sure I should give it
		to you, now.

Hugh		Oh please, Brian.

Stephen		There you are then. That's better, isn't it?

Hugh		Lovely drop of cocoa, that.

Stephen		Berent's: that's the best.

	Stephen smiles at the camera.

Advert-style voice-over
		Good old Berent's cocoa. Always there. Original
		or New Berent's, specially prepared for the mature
		citizens in your life, with nature's added store of
		powerful barbiturates and heroin.

	Hugh collapses with a grin on his face.

Hugh		Betty had a bit of bitter
		butter and put it in her
		batter and made her batter
		bitter.