Chicken

	Stephen and Deborah are having dinner in a 
	restaurant.


Stephen		He gets all misty-eyed and he puffs himself up
		and says - "I do it for country" ... and he
		stabs himself in the head with a pair of scissors.
		So the Irishman says ...

	Hugh enters as a waiter, pushing a trolley.

Hugh		Are you ready for your main courses now?

Stephen		Yes I think so.

Woman		Yes please.

Hugh		Excellent.

Stephen		Can I ask you something?

Hugh		Certainly.

Stephen		How do you do it?

Hugh		Do what, sir?

Stephen		How can you hear from the other side of the
		restaurant the exact moment I get to the punchline
		of a joke? You've done it four times since we
		arrived.

Hugh		Good question, sir. There's actually a tiny
		microphone hidden underneath the ashtray.

Stephen		Oh I see.

Hugh		And we have a receiver in the kitchen, so you
		know ... It's very simple really.

Stephen		Right. I just wondered.

Hugh		The lamb?

Woman		Yes please.

Hugh		Very good madam.

	Hugh puts a plate of lamb in front of her.

Woman		Thank you.

Stephen		Where was I? The Englishman ... er ... oh
		hell ...

Hugh		(While giving her vegetables) The Englishman said
		"I do it for the Queen" and jumped out of the
		window ...

Stephen		That's right, yes. Then the Scotsman said "I do it
		for my country" and er -

Hugh		Stabbed himself in the head with the pair of ...

Stephen		... scissors, that's right. So the Irishman said ...

Hugh		And you're having the chicken, sir?

Stephen		Tsscch. What?

Hugh		Chicken Lacroix. Prepared at your table.

Stephen		Yes, thanks very much. The Irishman ...

	Hugh removes the lid of some hugh graillon, to reveal a 
	live chicken, preferably clucking.

Woman		Oh my God!

Stephen		What!?

Hugh		Chicken Lacroix.

	Hugh starts to sharpen a knife.

Stephen		What are you doing?

Hugh		What am I doing?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Sir, I have to make sure the knife is properly
		sharp.

Stephen		I mean this chicken ... it's alive!

Hugh		Ha. Not for much longer, sir.

Woman		I think I'm going to be sick.

Hugh		Oh. Something wrong with the lamb, madam?

Stephen		You're not going to kill a chicken in here?

Hugh		Certainly. This, sir, is Chicken Lacroix. As you
		ordered. "Fresh, plump, baby chicken, prepared at
		your table."

	Hugh lifts the knife.

Stephen		Wait! Don't ... don't kill it!

Hugh		Don't kill it?

Stephen		No!

Hugh		You'd rather eat it while it's alive?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Well then ...

Stephen		Stop it! I'm telling you - don't kill that chicken.

Hugh		Is there a problem, sir?

Stephen		Yes there is. You cannot kill that chicken.

Hugh		Why not, sir?

Stephen		Well ... you know.

Hugh		No.

Stephen		All the letters we'll get. It's not worth it.

Hugh		Letters?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		Who from?

Stephen		Oh I don't know. Mad people.

Hugh		What mad people?

Stephen		Mad people. "Why oh why oh why oh why was
		my six-year-old grandmother forced to watch a
		chicken being hacked to death in the name of
		so-called entertainment?" That kind of thing.

Hugh		Well it's no worse than being hacked to death in
		the name of so-called lunch.

Stephen		Well I know that.

Woman		It is, actually.

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Woman		I think it is worse.

Hugh		Oh do you?

Woman		Yes.

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		Yes well that's fair enough.

Hugh		Is it? Well let's ask the chicken, shall we? Would
		you rather die as part of a sketch on national
		television, or would you prefer just to go straight
		into a Tesco sandwich, unmourned and unnoticed?

Woman		That's just how I feel. I'm sorry.

Hugh		What's the matter with you? It's had a great time.
		We showed it the "Blue Peter" studio, didn't we?

Stephen		Actually, I'd be happier if you didn't kill it.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		I'd be happier if you didn't kill the chicken.

Hugh		Happier? What's happiness got to do with it?

Stephen		To be honest, I never really liked the idea.

Hugh		"Never really liked"?

Woman		I'm not crazy about it either.

Hugh		Oh well obviously if everyone's just going to
		go squeamish at the last minute, we'll have to
		call it off.

Stephen		I think so.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		On second thoughts, I'll just have a green salad.

Hugh		A green salad?

Stephen		Please.

Hugh		Very good, sir.

	Hugh takes the chicken trolley and exits.

Stephen		I think that was the right decision.

Woman		So do I.

Stephen		Anyway, so the Irishman says ...

	Stephen is interrupted by violent terrifying screams.

		Now what are you doing?

	Hugh enters with a plate of salad.

Hugh		Never heard a lettuce scream before? Frightening
		isn't it?

Stephen		What?

Hugh		You never knew, did you? You thought lettuces just
		came in little sterilised polythene bags, and grew
		on supermarket shelves. Never occurred to you
		that a lettuce might have feelings, hopes, dreams, a
		family ...

Stephen		Bugger the lettuce! Will you let me finish
		my joke!?

Hugh		Oh I'm sorry.

Stephen		The Irishman says ...

	Cut to whatever.

Stephen		I like the way it starts.