Witness

	Stephen is a barrister. He is questioning Hugh, a police 
	sergeant who is in the witness box. There is an elderly,
	fruity sort of Judge, Ralph, and a nasty-looking piece of 
	work in the dock.


Stephen		Can you tell us, Sergeant Henderson, what the
		prisoner said to you when you made the arrest?

Hugh		If I may consult my notes, m'lud?

Judge		Certainly, certainly, certainly. By all means. Yes.

Hugh		I apprehended the accused and advised him of his
		rights. He replied "Why don't you ram it up your
		pim-hole, you fusking cloff prunker."

	There is a sensation in the jury box. A woman screams 
	and two men faint clean away. Judge purses his lips 
	and makes a note.

Judge		"Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole you
		fusking ..." er, cloth-blanket was it?

	Another scream. The sound of a juryman being sick.

Stephen		Er, I believe it was ... er ...

Judge		(Testily) Yes, yes?

Stephen		Cloff-prunker m'lud.

	Sharp intakes of breath all round.

Judge		(Bemused) I see. Forgive my ignorance
		Mr Clarkson, but what exactly is a "cloff-prunker?"

	Another sigh of horror. Stephen is mightily 
	embarrassed.

Stephen		Well m'lud it's ...

Judge		(Impatiently) Yes?

Stephen		It's ... hem ... an illicit practice whereby one
		person ... erm ...

Judge		Well?

Stephen		Whereby one person frangilates another's
		slimp, m'lud.

Judge		(Staggered) He does what?

Stephen		He or she gratifies the other person by ...
		smuctating them avially.

Judge		Good lord. How absolutely disgusting. Do people
		really do that sort of thing?

Stephen		I believe so, m'lud.

Judge		In which case I dare say there are probably
		magazines devoted to this practice?

Stephen		Very possibly, M'lud.

Judge		Are you planning to introduce any of these
		publications in evidence, Mr Clarkson?

Stephen		I hadn't thought it wholly necessary, M'Lud.

Hugh		Hmm. Slapdash, Mr Clarkson. Slapdash. Well.
		Carry on, carry on.

Stephen		Thank you m'lud. Now Sergeant. After arresting
		the accused, I believe you questioned him at the
		station. You have a transcript of the interrogation?

Hugh		Yes, sir. I asked him if he could explain his
		whereabouts on the night in question. He replied
		"I was in all night, wasn't I, you pempslider."

Judge		Pempslider?

Stephen		A pempslider, M'Lud is ...

Judge		(Irritated) Yes thank you, Mr Clarkson, I am not
		entirely uneducated in these matters.

Stephen		I beg you pardon, M'Lud.

Judge		I did go to Winchester, you know.

Stephen		Quite so, m'lud. If you would continue, Sergeant.
		He called you a pempslider.

Hugh		That is correct. And then ... then, he called
		me a ... I wonder if I might have a glass of
		water, m'lud?

Judge		Certainly not. This isn't America.

Hugh		He said "Skank off, you cloffing cuck, you're all a
		load of shote-bag fuskers, so prunk that up your
		prime-ministering pim-hole."

	Complete pandemonium from all save the Judge who 
	looks at the accused sternly. A policeman behind him 
	is clutching a handkerchief to his mouth and heaving.
	Accused looks smug.

Stephen		(Whimpering faintly) My God.

Judge		And what did you say to that, Sergeant?

Hugh		(Consulting notes) I told him to mind his fucking
		language, m'lud.

Judge		(Approvingly) I should think so too.

Stephen		You see, it's a problem of
		discipline. Young people know
		nothing of service. They should
		all be forced to do some time
		in the army. There's muggings,
		rapings, beatings, violence, cruelty
		- fair enough, that's the army.
		But at least it teaches you how
		to serve.