The Department

	Hugh is returning to his flat with some shopping.
	Echoing stairwells etc. Stops outside door and reaches for 
	key, but something is wrong. Ears pricked. He carefully 
	puts down shopping and removes an automatic from his 
	belt. He works the slide to load the chamber, the way one 
	has seen countless times, but instead it comes away in his 
	hand.


Hugh		(Mutters) Shit.

	Hugh puts the gun down and gently nudges the door 
	open with his foot. Nothing. He moves stealthily through 
	the flat. Nothing. A lavatory flushes. Hugh whirls round 
	in a martial-looking crouch. Stephen emerges from the 
	bathroom, drying his hands.

Stephen		Alan, my boy. Good to see you. I hope you
		don't mind, but I was ...

Hugh		What the hell are you doing here? How did you get in?

Stephen		Your landlady. Charming woman. It turns out that
		she and I are great fans of Johnny Mathis.

Hugh		So what the hell do you want?

	Stephen crosses to a fish tank in the middle of the room.

Stephen		Mmm. I'd forgotten your obsession with Japanese
		fighting fish. You're quite an expert aren't you?

Hugh		Never mind that. Just say your piece and get
		the hell out of here.

Stephen		Never could really see it myself. What is it about
		them that interests you?

Hugh		Japanese fighting fish? They're loyal. Honest. They
		don't send you to Aylesbury on half-arsed operations
		and then sell you down the river.

Stephen		Now that's hardly fair, Alan. The Department ...

Hugh		The hell with the Department. That's finished,
		over. Finished with. Over. Finished and done with.
		It's over. Completely finished.

Stephen		You're right, Alan. I shouldn't have come. You have
		your own life now, I can see that. Your flat. Your fish.
		And there's a girl now, I gather. Deborah, is it?

	At the mention of "Deborah" Hugh snatches up a banana 
	from the fruit bowl and hold it under Stephen's throat.

Hugh		You want to know something, read the file. Sir.

Stephen		Of course, Alan. Of course. I'll leave you now.
		Thanks for the use of the lavatory. Oh by the way ...

Hugh		What now.

Stephen		We're reopening the Steinbeck case. I thought you
		might like to know ...

Hugh		Steinbeck? What the hell ...?

Stephen		You and Steinbeck were pretty close, weren't you?
		Both orphaned at an early age. Both took excellent
		degrees at the Sorbonne. Both had trials for West
		Bromwich Albion. You at inside right, Steinbeck in
		goal, if I remember rightly. Both have an account
		with John Lewis at Brent Cross.

Hugh		Is that a crime?

Stephen		Of course not, dear boy. I'm just pointing out the
		similarities, that's all. And then of course, you both
		adore fish. Really quite remarkable.

Hugh		You bastard.

Stephen		He trusts you Alan. You're the only one who
		can get him back for us.

Hugh		It's your damned porridge, use your own damned
		spoon.

Stephen		Please Alan, don't throw porridge in my face.
		That's completely over. Finished. Done with. Over
		and finished. Done over and finished with. Over.
		You understand? Finished over with. Done.

Hugh		Hello! I seem to have touched a nerve.

Stephen		All right Alan, blast you. Fifteen all. We need you
		and you need us.

Hugh		I need nothing and nobody.

Stephen		You need an import licence for those oh so pretty
		Japanese fighting fish of yours.

Hugh		You bastard.

Stephen		(Throwing documents on to the table) First class
		flight to Chichester. Table for two in the sleeper
		from Chichester to Stroud. (Puts down a gun and 
		some bullets) Hair-trigger, fur-barrel and soft-eared
		bullets. Just as you like them.

Hugh		You certainly came prepared didn't you?

Stephen		I prefer to put it this way. I certainly came prepared.
		(More documents) Welsh passport, hotel reservation at
		the Welcome Break, Low Wycombe, all in the name of
		one Lewis Potter.

Hugh		And the real Lewis Potter?

Stephen		A chartered prostitute from Hereford. Killed two
		years ago in a smiling accident. Will you do it, Alan?

Hugh		You said table for two ... ?.

Stephen		Of course, Alan. Allow me to introduce your wife.

	A woman emerges from the bathroom.

Hugh		What the hell ... ?

Woman		You need a new ballcock.

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Woman		On your cistern. I've fixed it for now, but it
		needs replacing.

Stephen		I know you've always worked alone, Alan, but
		under the circumstances the Department felt ...

Hugh		The Department can go to hell. I'm finished, done
		away with, at last, period, no more, full stop, the end,
		full period. You can shove the Department up your
		arse.

Woman		Well of course I can't do that, as you well know
		Alan. The Department is a huge building housing
		hundreds of people - not the sort of thing you can
		shove up your arse without a great deal of ...

Woman		Excuse me, Admiral.

Stephen		What is it, my dear?

Woman		Major Tarrant seems to doubt my abilities.

Hugh		You're damn right.

Woman		Would it make any difference if I said that I was
		the case officer on Operation Richard Whitely?

Stephen		Since your time Alan. Ugly business. Russians
		tried to flood Europe with counterfeit Richard
		Whitelys. The Department was on a Code 1 for
		three months.

Hugh		All I'm saying is, I don't carry passengers.

Woman		Neither do I, Major.

Stephen		Ho ho ho. Looks like you've met your match at last,
		Alan. Now, I'll leave you two to get acquainted, while
		I have another go on that excellent lavatory of yours.
		(Sotto voce to the woman as he passes) Don't worry. His
		bark's worse than his bite.

	Exit Stephen.

Hugh		Did he tell you what happened to my last partner?

Woman		Shot dead on the steps of the Prague Embassy.
		I've read the file.

Hugh		Yeah? Well files ain't a lot of use when you're
		staring down the barrel of a knife.

Woman		I'll try and remember that, Major.

Hugh		Yeah, you do that.

Woman		Nice flat.

Hugh		(Refusing to be charming) It gets me from A to B.

Woman		Quite a collection of Japanese fighting fish. Are
		they good?

Hugh		At fighting?

Woman		At being Japanese.

Hugh		(Grudgingly) The one on the left has a black belt
		fourth dan, the one on the right has retired.

Woman		Look, if we're going to be working together we
		might as well be friends.

Hugh		I work faster alone.

Woman		Perhaps it would be a good idea if we went
		to bed together.

Hugh		Like I just said, I work faster alone.

Woman		Me too. Have you got two bedrooms?

Hugh		Sure.

Woman		I'll take that one. You take the other.

	They both disappear into seperate bedrooms. Almost 
	a split second later they re-emerge, both smoking cigarettes.

Woman		Better?

Hugh		Much. Dammit, I don't even know your name.

Woman		Does it matter?

Hugh		I guess not. Well if you want to be useful, you
		could start by fixing us both a drink. You'll find
		some whisky ...

Woman		Above the sink. I know. I've read the file, remember?

Hugh		Huh. You minx.

	Stephen emerges from the lavatory.

Stephen		Hmm. That really was most enjoyable. Would anyone
		else like a go?

	There is no response.

		No? Well in that case, I think I might have another
		turn. Really most excellent.

	Stephen bumbles off again.

Woman		What does he do in there?

Hugh		I've really no idea.

	Cut to Stephen's Song.

Hugh		I can't stop now, my wife is being
		towed away.