Psychiatrists

	Doctor's surgery cum office. Hugh and Stephen are 
	on chairs. Each has a notebook on their lap.


Stephen		I think it might be helpful to start off with your
		telling me something about your state of mind at
		the moment. Would you say you were generally happy,
		depressed, confident, unsure ... what word comes
		into your mind, would you say? Take your time.

	Hugh stares at Stephen for a moment, deeply interested.

Hugh		This is fascinating. Quite fascinating. Your problem
		seems to centre around the delusion that you are a
		psychiatrist and that everyone you speak to is some
		kind of patient of yours. This is a rare, but not
		unheard of syndrome.

Stephen		Mm-hm. Perhaps it would help if we talked a
		little about your mother at this point.

Hugh		Extraordinary. Very interesting. Why "Mother"? Was
		your mother affectionate when you were small?

Stephen		Affection! Affection. Now perhaps we're getting
		somewhere. You felt a lack of affection. I wonder
		if you happen to know whether you were breast-fed
		or not?

Hugh		Ah! Ah-ha! Breasts. Already we've focused in on
		breasts. What are your feeling about breasts, I wonder?
		Do they frighten you? This is not uncommon.

Stephen		(Writing) "Breasts and fear" ... intriguing. And
		where do you think your father fits into all this?

Hugh		Father ... father. Mm. So let's imagine a line,
		shall we, with fear at one end and breasts at the
		other. I want you to tell me where you think your
		father fits on this line.

Stephen		Lines, interesting, lines. Why "lines" I wonder? Lines
		are very male, aren't they? Very forceful. They thrust,
		they penetrate, don't they? They urge onwards.

Hugh		At last the layers are beginning to unpeel. Urging,
		penetrating, maleness, breasts. How often would you
		say you masturbated?

	Pause.

Stephen		Yes. I really do think if you don't mind we had
		better get back to me asking the questions. I think
		it is important, if you're to be helped, to remember
		who is the doctor here and who the patient. I will
		ask the questions.

Hugh		And I'll pretend to be the patient, all right. That
		way I can tell from the questions you ask me, what
		it is that is truly disturbing you. All right. Good.

Stephen		Now, come on I'm going to be quite firm. You
		are the patient.

Hugh		(Humouringly) Yes ... that's right.

Stephen		I want to hear you say "I am the patient."

Hugh		What was that?

Stephen		"I am the patient."

Hugh		(Writing this down) Good! That's a breakthrough.
		Now that you know that, let's proceed.

Stephen		(Exasperated) You are the patient!

Hugh		(Shrugging) I am, you are - perhaps we're all patients.

Stephen		(Really quite angry) I am not a patient!

Hugh		Please remain calm, Mr Windrush.

Stephen		Doctor Windrush.

Hugh		(Lifting telephone) Yes. You know. I only have to
		lift a telephone and you will be restrained.

Telephone
V/O		Yes, hello.

Stephen
& Hugh		It's all right Rebecca, I'm in a session.

Stephen		Look, I'm sorry, I really cannot help you unless
		you stop playing this ridiculous game.

Hugh		Extraordinary. I really don't think I have ever
		detected a more deeply embedded illusion.

Stephen		It's not an illusion!!

Hugh		I'm trying to be as understanding as I can, Mr
		Windrush.

Stephen		You came asking for help. I am prepared to offer
		that help, but really Mr Johanssen ...

Hugh		Tony. I've told you, call me Tony.

Stephen		Really Mr Johanssen, that help can only be
		forthcoming if you are honest ... not only with
		me, but with yourself. Now please ... no more
		tricks, no more games. I am a very busy man. I
		have another patient coming in any minute now.
		So let's be reasonable. Hey? What do you say?

Hugh		Your last doctor tried a course of lentizol, I
		believe? Did you find that helped at all?

Stephen		All right. Let's begin very simply, shall we? If
		you are, as you say, a doctor ...

	A sort of egg-timer type device goes off on the desk, it 
	rings.

Hugh		I'm sorry, Mr Windrush. That's the full hour. Shall
		we say, same time next week?

Stephen		Yes, I think I can fit you in then. This time bring
		some photographs of your patients, if you have any.
		I think that might be useful.

Hugh		I might try a little hypnosis I think.

Stephen		Perhaps you would be kind enough to confirm
		that appointment with Rebecca on your way out.

	They both stay where they are.

Hugh		Mm.

Stephen		Mm.

	The door opens. In comes Kay.

Kay		Oh, you're both here. I think I'm seeing you
		first, Mr Windrush. Would you mind waiting outside
		Mr Johanssen, you're a little early. Rebecca - two
		cups of tea please.

Hugh		Extraordinary.

Stephen		So deep-seated.

Hugh		Simply fascinating.

Stephen		Do sit, Mrs Meddlicott. Make yourself as comfortable
		as you can.

Stephen		You see what worries me about
		education is this. Where are the
		future Ned Sherrins? Mm? Who are
		the young Sherrins of tomorrow?
		Are they being trained up? No.
		I shudder for the sake of our
		children.