Embassy

Stephen		(Singing) But in spite of all temptations
		To belong to other nations
		He remains an Englishman
		He remains an Englishman
		For in spite of all temptations
		To belong to other nations
		He remains an Englishman
		He remains an Englishman

	Hugh enters bearing a piece of paper.

Hugh		Ambassador.

Stephen		Ah, Witty, isn't it?

Hugh		That's right, sir. A message just came through
		for you from the Vice-Consul in Al Rahad. Marked
		most urgent.

Stephen		A message. Then read it dear boy. Our esteemed
		Vice-Consul is not the sort of man to bandy the
		words "most" and "urgent" without that he has
		cause.

Hugh		Right, sir. "Twelve armoured divisions heading
		south. Infantry build-up along border continues.
		Every indication, repeat every indication that invasion
		is imminent repeat imminent."

Stephen		Hmm.

Hugh		What should we do, sir?

Stephen		Good question, Witty. Very good question. My feeling
		is that we should do The Mikado.

Hugh		I'm sorry, sir?

Stephen		I know that some of the younger fellows in
		the chancellery feel that it's time for a Pirates of 
		Penzance, but there isn't a part for me in it, you
		see.

Hugh		I'm sorry sir, but I don't quite ...

Stephen		I don't want to seem like a spoilsport, but I do
		feel that there must be a part for me in it, and
		The Mikado seems the be the most appropriate.

Hugh		Surely sir, there are more pressing calls upon
		our time.

Stephen		The gymkhana? Oh I think we can let our wives
		sort that one out. I've agreed to pin the winning
		rosette, Julia is going to have to be satisfied with
		that.

Hugh		The invasion, sir. Unless he is stopped now there'll
		be the most appalling catastrophe. Surely we must
		at least issue an ultimatum.

Stephen		All right, Witty, all right. Despatch this. "Unless
		you withdraw soonest your ticket allocation for
		our next Gilbert and Sullivan production will be
		severely reduced."

Hugh		Ambassador. For heaven's sake.

Stephen		Too strong, you think? Perhaps you're right.
		"Unless you withdraw soonest Derek Nimmo's
		touring production of Seperate Tables will not be
		cancelled."

Hugh		Ambassador, he's about to invade! Within a matter
		of hours we could be on the brink of a world
		war.

Stephen		You've not been long in the Foreign Office have
		you, Witty?

Hugh		Three years, sir.

Stephen		Ah. Really? So you missed our last production
		of Pirates?

Hugh		I'm afraid so, sir.

Stephen		Hm. Pity, pity. I wore one of Julia's dresses.

Hugh		I'd heard that, sir.

Stephen		Little tight under the arms, but otherwise
		surprisingly comfortable.

Hugh		Really, sir? But shouldn't we be ...

Stephen		There was the most wonderful moment in the
		second act when I was supposed to go to the front
		of the stage and kiss the wife of the second secretary.
		Well, I tripped on one of the steps going down ...

Hugh		Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we are facing
		an extremely dangerous situation and it is our duty
		to inform London that invasion is imminent and
		request instructions.

Stephen		I'll be honest with you, Witty.

Hugh		Sir?

Stephen		I don't like you.

Hugh		Why not, sir?

Stephen		Because you're a troublemaker, Witty, that's why.
		Because you think you know it all.

Hugh		No I don't sir. But with respect we are paid
		an astonishing amount of money, given servants,
		wine cellars, automatic knighthoods and fantastic
		privileges just so that when moments like this arise
		we will be able to avert war. That is our one function,
		sir and we owe it to the peoples of the world to start
		earning our money and actually do something.

Stephen		A pretty speech, Witty.

Hugh		Thank you sir.

Stephen		Pretty and convincing.

Hugh		Thank you very much sir.

Stephen		The Victoria Club in Daar al Rashchid holds a
		public speaking competition every April, first prize
		is only a silver sup, but this Embassy hasn't won it
		for over a hundred years. Think I might enter you.

Hugh		But sir, in twenty four hours, there isn't going
		to be a Victoria Club.

Stephen		What are you talking about?

Hugh		It's slap bang next to the Sheik's Palace. So if
		there's a war, sir, it'll be the first target. Bound
		to be the first target.

Stephen		Hell's bells. We must do something. Get me the
		Foreign Secretary, who's the Foreign Secretary?
		And how do we get hold of him?

Hugh		We signal from the cypher room.

Stephen		Cypher room? Where's that?

Hugh		It's where we rehearsed The Gondoliers.

Stephen		Oh yes, a very attractive room.

Hugh		We had our first child on the NHS,
		and had to wait nine months. Can
		you believe it?