Get Well Card

	Stephen enters a stationer's, general Sub Post Office,
	card shop sort of place. He is an old man, from the 
	north, with a voice not unlike a combination of Robb 
	Wilton and Harry Worth. I don't know why, but there 
	it is (as Harry Worth used to say). Hugh is a female 
	assistant.


Hugh		Help you, chuck?

Stephen		Well dear, I don't know. I don't know as if you
		can help. Do you have any get well cards?

Hugh		Dozens. We've got dozens. Dozens we've got.

Stephen		Aye, well, that's all high and dandy, but have
		you got one? You see, it's my daughter's twenty-first
		Friday week.

Hugh		You'll want a birthday card then, pet.

Stephen		I wish it were that simple. No, you see. Let me
		think. My wife. She's my second wife you see. The
		first drowned in a mixed salad in 1978. My second
		wife is a younger lady.

Hugh		Like myself.

Stephen		Life yourself. Very like yourself. Slightly heavier
		beard-line though. I've got a photo ...

Hugh		Ooh, lovely.

Stephen		But it's of the Bolton Wanderers' reserve team
		playing away at Blackburn so it's of no use to you.
		Anyway, my second wife, she doesn't like younger
		ladies around you see. They remind her that she's
		getting on herself. And next Friday, when it's my
		daughter Amanda's twenty-first ...

Hugh		That'll be her stepdaughter.

Stephen		My daughter by my first wife - she'll be jealous.

Hugh		It is never easy being a stepmother.

Stephen		She'll see her stepdaughter be all young on her
		twenty-first and she'll have one of her jealous
		spasms.

Hugh		They can be nasty, can spasms.

Stephen		Well that's right love. So I'd like to have a get
		well card good and ready.

Hugh		Well there's one here. It's got a message "Sorry
		about the varicose veins, get well soon".

Stephen		Well it's grand that. It's lovely. But I'm not sure as
		it's appropriate. Have they all got specific messages?

Hugh		Well they do these days. It's the acid rain, I think.
		Hold up chucker-pet, this is more like. "Sorry to
		hear your teeth fell out in the Arndale Centre, All
		my love Thomas."

Stephen		My, that is specific, isn't it?

Hugh		It is specific, doll, that's the charm.

Stephen		I see. I do see. Still not quite right though, is it?

Hugh		How about a nice printed poem? "I'm right sorry to
		learn yer, Succumbed to another nasty hernia. You
		mustn't lift what you cannot carry, All the best, your
		grandson, Harry."

Stephen		I'll take that one, on the off-chance.

Hugh		What off-chance, duck?

Stephen		Well on the off-chance I change my name from
		Fred to Harry and my grandmother comes back
		to life, and has another nasty hernia. You never
		know.

Hugh		It's as well to make sure. But I'm sure we've
		got something that meets your particular case,
		petty-love. Ah, now. What's this? "Where are your
		youthful years, your stepdaughter has 'em, That's
		why you had such a dreadful spasm, Hope you
		recover very quick, Your loving husband Frederick."
		That's what you're after.

Stephen		Oh, what a pity. I'm Alfred, you see. Not Frederick.

Hugh		Now that's a shame.

Stephen		Never mind I'd best forget it.

Hugh		Well, you'd best take one of these from me then.

Stephen		Hello. What's this. (He reads)
		"Poor old Alfred life is hard,
		You tried to buy a get well card
		There wasn't one to meet your case,
		Ever so sorry, much love, Trace."

Hugh		That's me.

Stephen		Well bless you chuck.

Hugh		Least I could do, dove pot.

Stephen		All these so called chattering
		classes. Your Harold Pinters and your
		Lady Antonia Braggs and so
		on. They all earn good money and
		yet they claim to be socialists.
		Incredible. Only poor people
		should be allowed to be left-wing
		in my view. Anyway, if these
		people were real socialists they
		would give everything away.
		Oh no that's Christians who are
		supposed to do that isn't it? You'll
		have to forgive me, I'm mad.