Rage & Confession

The fear of the unknown holds me back-this is what keeps me restrained in my little glass ball marked fragile. You think you have experienced pain...you know you've felt the deepest sorrow and have understood the depth to which the human character extends. But it's all an illusion-will we come to understand at all? I have moved once-an eight hour drive back home at most. Was that living? I chose to attend a University that I would know no one at...is that living? I woudl hate to think that such a wonderous gift of life which God granted us, could be limited to just this. There is so much out there, beyond my reaches. I want to experience people, to be immersed in their culture, and to understand how they think. I want to live. I want to grow. I want to learn.

I still feel lonely. Sometimes I think it's by choice, sometimes I think it isn't. It's hard to explain. I enjoy my solitude...I find over the past year I've been able to question and recognize the concept of the self and living. After I write my thoughts, it's as if this calming spreads throughout, and only then am I fully relaxed. To become fully aware of your physical being, and your emotional being-that is what I would like.

I've also been thinking of my ex-boyfriend. Don't ask me why. I am conscious of the fact that we are too differant and that it wouldn't work, but I still maintain this strong desire that intime we will reconnect. It's a constant struggle between acceptance and denial, reality and desire. i don't obsess over it, and I have moved on, but it's as if deep down, I believe it's just a matter of time. It has caused some heartache at times, and of course many memories, but for the most part, it remains at the back of mind-hidden but not forgotten.

I want to fucking scream. I want to run outside and yell at the top of my lungs, I want to throw things. I want out. I want a lover. I want a companion. I want to see the world. I want money. I want to feel power. I want to live.