Flora Pasquale Strikes Back! Act One Scene 9

Scene Nine

The sitting room of the Presidential Palace. JOSE is at the desk writhing in agony. FLORA is pacing the floor. JOSE This is awful! Awful!

FLORA

He was there…right there in the crowd.

JOSE

If we’d only had a Police Force, this never would have happened.

FLORA

Right there in the open where everyone could see.

JOSE

Six policemen in all of Ciudad Ibañez!
(HE picks up the phone.)

FLORA

What are you doing?

JOSE

Calling the Chief of Police.

FLORA

Why? Why?

JOSE

I want every man back where he belongs.

FLORA

No!

JOSE

Flora, the brother-in-law of the President of the United States is in Ibañez Hospital.

FLORA

Of course he is. He’s tired from all the excitement.

JOSE

He had two ribs broken!

FLORA

That’s nonsense. He wasn’t stoned, he was vegetabled!

JOSE

He still has two broken ribs.

FLORA

How can tomatoes and carrots and celery break someone’s ribs?

JOSE

Because there were a couple of cantaloupes in the lot.

(JOSE begins to dial, but FLORA grabs the phone.)

FLORA

What’s more important? The President’s brother-in-law or the Greatest Nazi War Criminal of All Time?

JOSE

(trying to retrieve the receiver)
We need those men here.

FLORA

Go ahead…lock the stable door after the horse has been stolen.

JOSE

What if we’re attacked in the middle of the night?

FLORA

We can’t be attacked in the middle of the night if we keep tossing money off the balcony!

JOSE

But where does that money come from? The United States!

FLORA

But they’d cut off that money if they found out we were harboring the Greatest Nazi War Criminal of All Time. And he was there! Yesterday afternoon…right in the middle of the crowd…stoning away as big as life…

JOSE

Flora…

FLORA

He was there, I tell you! Lieutenant Panilla told me this morning. And Lieutenant Panilla got it straight from his mother.

JOSE

Adolph’s mother? Adolph’s mother???!!!

FLORA

Not Adolph’s real mother…Baldomero’s real mother…but she knows Adolph killed her son. She’s always on the lookout for him.

JOSE

(into the phone)
Get me the Chief of Police.

FLORA

You don’t believe me! You don’t believe your little Florita. Your little Florita whose whole life has been wrapped up in yours, Your little Florita, who put that school of piranha in Valesquez’s swimming pool. Your little Florita, who made sure your rival, General Gomez, got the runs the day of the revolution. Your little Florita, who…

JOSE

I believe you! I believe you!

FLORA

Then why are you recalling the police force?

JOSE

Because I don’t care about Adolph. I care about the President’s brother-in-law. I live in the present, not the past.

FLORA

My angel…my love…

JOSE

(into the phone)
Hello? Manuel?

FLORA

Jose, Jose…

You’re a number ten,
You’re a number ten,
You’re the greatest ten of all the tens alive---
Oh, that Franco is a fake, he’s just a five.

JOSE

Manuel, can you hear me?

FLORA

You’re a number ten,
You’re a number ten,
You’re the only ten we have upon these shores---
Ferdinand and Isabella both were fours.

JOSE

Stop that! Stop it!
(into the phone)
It’s me, Manuel…me…your leader, you dunce!

(Doors fly open and a GUARD enters.)

GUARD

His Excellency, Charles M. Creasy of the United States Government. (FLORA and JOSE stop instantly, stare at each other with trepidation.) JOSE I’ll call you back. (HE drops the phone as CREASY enters followed by FIVE MEN, all of them Latin and official-looking, CREASY’s arm is in a sling, and he has a few Band-Aids on his face.) CREASY                                                                              (bowing to José)
President Ibañez…
                                                                             (then to Flora)
Your worship…
                                                                             (FLORA winks at him coquettishly.)
I hope you don’t mind, but I was having lunch at the Jockey Club, and I found your entire cabinet in the washroom. So I took it upon myself to ask them to join us.

JOSE

No, no…of course I don’t mind…I’m glad…I’m happy…

CREASY

Please. Don’t feel uncomfortable. Just relax. You see…

CREASY

I have to have
A tête-à-tête with you
And hope this slight misunderstanding will vanish;
I hope I can communicate with you
Even though I don’t speak Spanish.
I do not mean to irritate or quell you,
But as United States Ambassador,
I’m forced to tell you…

The President’s envoy,
He barely had spoken;
He opened his mouth
And then two ribs were broken---
You didn’t let him finish
And that isn’t right---
It’s impolite,
It’s impolite,
It’s impolite.

CABINET Cha-cha-cha!

CREASY

We’ve given you tractors
And farm apparatus;
It’s not nice to grow things
And then throw them at us.
It’s not nice to grow things
And curse us and swear---
It isn’t fair,
It isn’t fair,
It isn’t fair. CABINET Cha-cha-cha!

CREASY

It’s hard to help a nation flower,
It’s hard to help a nation gain,
It’s hard to be a first-rate power,
Sometimes I must confess
I rather envy Spain.

Oh, leaders are leaders,
You might not condone them;
Still leaders are leaders,
And you should not stone them,
And what’s more, Good Neighbors,
To be quite precise---
It isn’t nice,
It isn’t nice,
It isn’t nice.

CABINET Cha-cha-cha!

JOSE

But, Señor, he wasn’t stoned, he was vegetabled.

CREASY

I realize that, and… I know there is produce
That isn’t abhorrent---
Though string beans are harmless,
Cantaloupes just aren’t.
They’re terribly heavy,
And that isn’t right,
It’s impolite,
It’s impolite,
It’s impolite. CABINET Cha-cha-cha!

CREASY

We find that we’re in a
Most awkward position;
We don’t mean to frustrate---
That brings inhibition.
Although I’d advise you
To stone if you must---
It isn’t just,
It isn’t just,
It isn’t just. CABINET Cha-cha-cha!

CREASY

Just look at how we’ve helped the Germans
And look at how they never balk;
They’ll all be dressed in minks and ermines
That very special day
When they invade New York.

Theodore Roosevelt
Was really a peasant---
Though we should speak softly,
Sticks are so unpleasant.
We’re certainly glad we
Ignored his advice---
It isn’t nice,
It isn’t nice,
It isn’t nice.

CABINET Cha-cha-cha! (CREASY goes into a cha-cha with the CABINET MEMBERS. When the number is finished, THEY ALL cha-cha off to the right. JOSE breathes a sigh of relief.) JOSE That wasn’t bad at all. I must send flowers to Mrs. Creasy.

FLORA

Flowers? Flowers?!

JOSE

Candy?

FLORA

You don’t send anything to anyone. You go right out there and ask for more money.

JOSE

More money?

FLORA

While he’s in the mood. Hurry!

JOSE

Yes! Yes, of course. More money! (HE scurries off into the hall. The phone rings. FLORA answers it.) FLORA Florita here…Oh, it’s you, Manuel…No, no, the General was upset. He didn’t mean a word of it…No, Manuel. He wants the men to stay right where they are---except we’re raising the reward money. Oh, and Manuel…You know the Ungentine Mounties?…Buy them!

BLACKOUT