ACT TWO Scene1

ACT TWO

Scene One

After the second act overture, the house lights dim, the curtain rises and we are back in the Escabosa house immediately after. ALEJANDRO is at the door, the spotlight is on the geranium plant, and ROSA and BLASINA are nervously sitting at the edge of the bed. ALEJANDRO admits FABIOLA and the MOUNTIES. FABIOLA You certainly took your good time!

ALEJANDRO

Pardone, Señor, but once I fall asleep…

FABIOLA

We must search your house.

ALEJANDRO

You have of course a search warrant.

FABIOLA

A search warrant? This is Montillano.

SERGEANT

We don’t have to show you no stinkin’ search warrant.

ALEJANDRO

You are welcome to search my house, Señor, but you will find no bandit.

FABIOLA

We are not looking for a bandit. We are looking for a geranium. (As soon as Rosa hears this, SHE and BLASINA look wildly about the room for a place to hide the plant. ROSA points to underneath the bed. SHE and BLASINA stuff it beneath the cot.) FABIOLA In there! (HE points to the room off to the other side. MOUNTIES enter and disappear. We hear INKEY’S VOICE from the bedroom.) INKEY (o.s.) Papa! Mama! There are strange men in here looking under my bed. (ROSA hears this, looks frantically at her mother. Together, THEY grab the plant from its hiding place, scrutinize the room. But there is no other place to hide it. Suddenly ROSA snaps her fingers. SHE grabs some string and begins tying a rutabaga to one of its branches. SHE motions to Blasina to do the same. BLASINA regards her as though she was crazy, but complies. As quickly as they can, THEY begin filling the branches with rutabagas. MOUNTIES enter from Inkey’s bedroom.) SERGEANT No, sir…no sign of a geranium.

FABIOLA

What’s in there?

ALEJANDRO

Only a little room…a rutabaga room…

FABIOLA

A rutabaga room! Men! (FABIOLA leads MOUNTIES through the door. ROSA and BLASINA stop tying rutabagas. ROSA acts as if she had just been awakened.) ROSA You startled us. We were both asleep.

FABIOLA

Both of you on that bed?

BLASINA

There was no place else, Señor. You know how it is when a wife has a fight with her husband.

FABIOLA

No. I live with my mother.
(going to the barrel, picking up a rutabaga)
Rutabagas. Messy little things.
(suddenly spying the plant)
The geranium!

ROSA

That? Does that look like a geranium?

FABIOLA

Señorita, I’ll have you know I come from a long line of horticulturists. And I certainly know a geranium when I see a geranium.

ROSA

Then, Señor, you should also be able to recognize a rutabaranium when you see a rutabaranium.

FABIOLA

A what?

ROSA

A rutabaranium.

FABIOLA

(to Sergeant)
Shine that light over here.

ROSA

No! I mean, not too close. Light is the worst thing in the world for the rutabaranium---that’s why we keep it so far from the window.

FABIOLA

Good heavens, it does give rutabagas!

ROSA

I cannot be too cross with you, Señor. The rutabaranium is hardly known outside Ivez. It was discovered only a year ago.

FABIOLA

By whom?

BLASINA

Us, I think.

FABIOLA

You mean you actually succeeded in crossing a geranium with a rutabaga?!

ROSA

Sí, Señor.

ABIOLA

Good heavens, why?

ROSA

Why not?

FABIOLA

Hmmm.

ROSA

Anything new is a contribution to the science of horticulture, is it not, Señor?

FABIOLA

Yes, I guess it is.

ROSA

And we had so many rutabagas around.

BLASINA

We’re working on rutasparagus now.

FABIOLA

Really?

ROSA

Please, Señor, the light…

FABIOLA

Uncanny! Señorita, could I be permitted a great favor?

ROSA

Anything, Señor.

FABIOLA

In the near future would it be possible to bring my mother and my grandmother here? They would be fascinated.

ROSA

Any time you wish, Señor.

FABIOLA

A rutabaranium! (ALEJANDRO, who has been standing in the doorway, observes ISHMAEL begin to stir beneath the rutabagas. HE scurries to the barrel and sits on it.) FABIOLA Have you ever tried anything with the potato?

ROSA

Not since I was a child.

FABIOLA

What a shame. We must try it together sometime. I’ve had the most marvelous theory for years,
A theory that’s worthy of Plato.
The thing that we need,
The thing we should cross
Is the vegetable with the potato!
Think of the time it would save!
Think of how housewives would rave
Over…

The carrotato!
The stringbeanato!
You cook it as one
Instead of as two apart!

The spinachato!
The brusselsprato!
It’s cheaper to eat
When everything’s á la Carte.

You can fry it,
You can boil it,
You can bake it,
You can broil it!
And you’ll never have to worry whether
They will both get done on time together.

The broccolato!
The cauliflato!
What a wonderful day
Is coming our way
When each vegetable
Is crossed with the potato!

(MOUNTIES join him in a spirited reprise of "Atoes", doing a dance with it. At the end of the song, FABIOLA kisses Rosa’s hand and, followed by the MOUNTIES, exits. In the distance we hear them singing.) MOUNTIES (o.s.) Get your gun!
Get your knife!
Take your bayonet
And run for your life!
For the Ungentines are after you.

Get your lance,
Get your spear!
Take your axe and get
The hell out of here!
For the Ungentines are after you!

(Their voices trail off. BLASINA stands against the closed door breathing a huge sigh of relief. INKEY hurries in from the bedroom.) INKEY Mama! They didn’t take Ishmael, did they?

BLASINA

No, Inkecito, he is still in the rutabaga barrel. (ROSA dashes into Ishmael’s room. ALEJANDRO gets up off the barrel to let ISHMAEL come out.) ISHMAEL Why didn’t you give me up? Why didn’t you get the reward? (ROSA motions to Alejandro. ALEJANDRO leaves them alone, goes into the living room, places one arm around Blasina, another around INKEY and leads them into the room off the side.) ROSA Don’t say such things.

ISHMAEL

It’s no use. Those Ungentine Mounties are notorious for their ungenuity…I mean...ingenuity…
(Suddenly spying the plant)
It’s been here so long, it’s begun to spout rutabagas.

ROSA

No, no, Ishmael…that’s just a little decoration.

ISHMAEL

Oh, Rosa. There’s nothing more we can do.

ROSA

Just because it didn’t work the first time, doesn’t mean we give up.

ISHMAEL

But the stoning was such a sure thing. We can’t think up another plan as good.

ROSA

Alexander. If you think you can actually talk through those silly little gadgets, you must have a screw loose. Go home. Open a dry goods store. Raise a family…

ISHMAEL

Oh, Rosa… Alienating America seemed like such a good idea.

ROSA

It still is.

ISHMAEL

It’s all a matter of economics. Everything in this world comes down to that, doesn’t it?

ROSA

Yes.

ISHMAEL

And economics are so…Wait! Wait! No, it’s too ridiculous.

ROSA

Marconi, it’s so ridiculous. All day long…tap, tap, tap…nobody will…

ISHMAEL

All right. What is Montillano most dependent on?

ROSA

Beef.

ISHMAEL

Beef to America. Americans love beef. If you took away their hamburgers, the whole moral structure of the country would collapse. But if America stopped buying our beef, the Ibañezes would never stay in power. Where would they get all that money to toss out the window?

ROSA

But why would they stop?

ISHMAEL

What are Americans most afraid of?

ROSA

The Russians?

ISHMAEL

Besides the Russians.

ROSA

I don’t know…

ISHMAEL

Their health! Their biggest fear right now is cholesterol.

ROSA

Cholesterol?

ISHMAEL

They’re scared to death of it! That’s it! (rushing into the living room with ROSA trailing after him in bewilderment) Alejandro! Blasina! Inkey! Get pen and paper!

LIGHTS DIM RAPIDLY