Disney's Great Big Disaster. A Report From Ground Zero. Introduction: It should be obvious that I do, honestly, like Disneyland. There's a lot to admire at the place. Lots of fantastic design and giant sweaty Alabamans. You haven't lived until you've managed to infiltrate a group of Asians following a tour leader who is holding aloft a $2 light saber. So, you'd think Disney, when building a new park, would try to find ways to mine these resources. If *I* were building a new Disney theme park, I'd make damn sure it was full of clever design, pretty scenery, and Chinese Jedi. Sadly, I did not design "Disney's California Adventure"
This park, from here on referred to as DCA, is a wasted effort. There are some admirable things here (which I'll go into soon) but overall what you get is a county fair without the fun of watching pigs fuck or cows shit on themselves.
"Mommy, how are tortillas made?" "Well Bobby, let's go to the new Disney park and find out" "WOW!!! You're the best mom EVER!!" *cue blushing*
Sound like an exchange you'd have with your mom? Odd, Doesn't sound like anything I'd say either, and if I had a child who sounded like that... well, let's just say some jogger would find something meaty in the river before too long.
Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here... Upon entering this park you are confronted with a frightfully tacky mural of seals and water and rocks. Good thing there are toilets nearby, because you'll also be assaulted by the musical stylings of Don Henley and the Beach Boys and NOTHING tenses my hose like the strains of "Good Vibrations" (Wait, I hate the Beach Boys. Maybe it's because of the wonderful "Good Masturbation" version of the song by El Duce). A vigorous jerk session later and you're able to continue. Upon stepping out into the incredibly wide walkway (easily 50ft wide and 100ft long) that is occupied by 11 people, you'll see the first shop. OH BOY! I haven't taken 15 steps into this dive (that didn't involve crippling boneritis) and already I've passed a store, a stand with a guy selling fresh bread in damp sweaty plastic bags, and 12 soon-to-be-laid-off Disney employees. Next thing you see is a shop, then you pass under a stupid Golden Gate bridge (sadly, no Disney execs were killed in the construction of this version), you see another shop, a place to eat... oh look! A choochoo! Let's look at that and it's... ok. 3 more places to eat and another shop. Glancing forward you see some bizarre object which I suppose is the DCA version of Disneyland's Sleeping Beauty Castle, but... it's just some ugly bunch of hit. Nothing iconic here. OK. where to walk. I can go to the right, into some shit that looks like airplane hangars, forward into... um, is this themed? It's just a walkway. Maybe it's an employee area. No way Disney could have such a nondescript FUNZONE, right? Let's go to the left, past the Hollywood Studio sign, into...
Hollywood Pictures Backlot. What the fuck? These are paved city streets? It's very disconcerting when an area is themed like a REAL STREET ("Mom! Can we go to the place where it looks just like a street?" "Sure honey bunny!" "THANKS MOM!!") because I, unlike most Californians, was trained to walk on sidewalks, not down the center of the street. Oh, I get it! That's the California themeing here! Be a jaywalking asshole! Cool! Oh, wait... people jaywalked in Philadelphia too. And MD. and DC. and in Atlantic City... and in Vegas... and...
Well, at least something themed has shown up. It's an ABC Soap Opera restaurant. And look, here's another shop, and a hot dog place, and another shop, but where are the people? Where are the rides?
EEEYYAAAGHHH!!! Who are you???
Why do your words blink? It's hard to read. Stop it.
OH NO!
OK then Mr Fairy, please direct me toward a ride or something.
Hollywood Backlot Attractions: Superstar Limo Holy crap, can I kill that fairy for leading me to a ride? Without a doubt the most horrendous waste of fiberglass in modern human history (and that includes the giant women's legs Billy Idol emerged from between on his 1990 tour), this ride starts with you being bombarded with lame "paging Brad Pitt" type messages while standing in an empty queue area. As if that wasn't a bad enough intro, you soon pass by a set of television monitors that show a (badly) computer animated Joan Rivers doing a truly unfunny bit of celebrity "reporting". Oh my goodness, the new mystery superstar is arriving at the airport. Good thing I just whacked passionately or I'd have to unleash another jizz torrent at the very thought of this! A slightly embarassed looking Disney employee dressed as a bellhop or something shows you to your limo, and you're off. I can't really say much beyond... Jesus Fucking Horseraping Christ, what an abominable waste of effort this is. You pass through areas of Hollywood and Beverly Hills on your way to the big movie premiere featuring the NEW MYSTERY SUPERSTAR...
Fairy, HUSH when I'm writing.
HUUUUUSSSHHHHH!!!!!! SHUT UPPPP!!!!! SHUT YOUR MOOOUUUUUTTTTTHHHHH!!!!!!! HUUUUUSSHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...anyway, on the way to this premiere, you pass by the BIGGEST STARS IN HOLLYWOOD (see if you can guess who this is). You pass Regis, star of ABC's shitty quiz show! You pass Drew Carrey, fat star of an ABC sitcom! You pass... since when is Cher still a star? You pass Whoopi Goldberg (looking obscenely like the evil simian in the old Planet Of The Apes films) at the premiere of the movie starring the new star. Don't forget, Whoopi is featured in Disney's... you get the point. The best part of the ride is when you drive through the set of an upcoming epic blockbuster film and witness this moment of abject terror. Toward the end of the ride, the identity of the new superstar is revealed and it's... you!
Yes, you, and look at the contempt on your face. Hahaha! Bet they didn't expect people would be scowling while riding this disgrace, or else there's no chance they'd take your picture and put it on a screen for you to admire. This is the only laugh in this attraction, by the way. "hey look, I'm totally pissed! HAHAHA!". This will be among the first things overhauled, rethemed, or destroyed at DCA. Bet on it. A complete mess.
Hyperion Theater: You've got to be kidding. I'm not watching a live show when there will only be 6 people in the audience. I'd feel horrible for the people on stage. Next.
Disney Animation/Hollywood Backlot Stage: What is this shit? If I wanted to go to Universal Studios, I'd be at Universal Studios. The annual pass costs 1/4 as much and is better for more days anyway... Disney Animation is sort of interesting, and it's one of the few things that seem to engage people on any level at all in this area of the park. My guess is because it features (gasp!) Disney characters. Imagine that.
Muppet Vision 3D Hey, am I enjoying myself? By golly, I AM! Having nothing to do with the "creative" minds at Disney, this little movie (you sit in the theater from the old Muppet TV show, neat!) is completely entertaining and a nice way to wash the taint of the Limo ride out of your system. You get to see the Swedish Chef for Chrissakes! This ranks high on my DCA fun chart. Worth a peek or 5. Here's a nice picture of Beaker torture from the queue area.
Where to go next? Well, this entire area is little more than a dead end, so you exit the way you entered and turning left up the maybe-employee-washroom-path you see a giant stupid mountain that looks like a bear. Oooookay. So this isn't an employee area, it's just really boring. At least it isn't painted like a street.
"MOM!!! Can we go to the place that's kinda sorta like a farm?" "Sure Bobby, we can visit Grandpa at his farm, and he'd love the company..." "GRANDPA SMELLS LIKE PEE! THE FARM SMELLS LIKE PEE! I WANT TO GO TO A FARM THAT DOESN'T SMELL LIKE PEE!" "Well gee, I know just the place, and there's no nasty dirt at this farm either!" "Yay Mom!"
Bountiful Valley Farm. Hey. Look. It's farm themed. Wow. There's a tractor. Good thing I tugged so recently. Hey look, it's a place where you can watch sweaty people make tortillas. What else is here... did I actually just pass a winery? Holy Fudd, I did. I don't drink, but the idea of a slightly altered perceptive state is starting to seem mighty attractive. To Hell with this, I'm moving on... shops. Scads and scads of shops.
What's the deal with a different restaurant every 30 feet? And what in the HELL are they thinking with these menus? Do they really think tourists want to come to a California (barely) themed funpark and eat fried zucchini? Who do I kick in the balls for this? I want a hot dog, but I haven't seen anywhere selling a simple plain hot dog since I was in Hollywood "play in traffic" land and I don't feel like backtracking already. I'll go to the San Francisco themed "Pacific Wharf" area and see if there are any weenies I can swallow over there.
Pacific Wharf: No rides. No weenies for my oral pleasure. Just a bakery and a Chinese restaurant and... shops. Restaurants. Shops. Um, that covers it. And it doesn't even reek like the REAL SF does.
Hi Fairy. Help?
Yes! Disneyland! Fairy, you're a pip! Thank you so much! You know me so well!
See, this is a problem. Nobody goes to DCA because they're really eager to go to DCA and even if they are, they don't stay long. It's a borderline ghost town even during peak hours. Take this for instance: I went last sunday with a couple friends. We spent a few hours at DCA and then popped over to Disneyland and were shocked by the crowds. I started getting claustrophobic and had to bail out, retreating to the serene tranquil emptiness of DCA. Word is out that DCA is dull on top of dull, and people are making it a point to simply stay away. There are news reports on local television about what a bust it is, I'll transcribe one later because it made me laugh. The souvenir maps they give out at Disneyland now say "where the magic began" on the cover. I suggest a similar slogan for DCA, and I'm sure you can guess what that might be.
Anyway, back to the front. (to be continued when it isn't 3:30am)
Disney's Great
between on his 1990 tour), this ride starts with you being bombarded with lame "paging Brad Pitt" type messages while standing in an 
Muppet Vision 3D Hey, am I enjoying myself? By golly, I AM! Having nothing to do with the "creative" minds at Disney, this little movie (you sit in the theater from the old Muppet TV show, neat!) is completely entertaining and a nice way to wash the taint of the Limo ride out of your system. You get to see the Swedish Chef for Chrissakes! This ranks high on my DCA fun chart. Worth a peek or 5. 
Get your own Free Home Page
