As this sign says
when you wander up to
the hallowed gates...

Welcome to Disneyland.

To ensure the enjoyment
and safety of our guests
(which at times include such luminaries as Mr Bob Hope, shown here sieg heiling
in a go-cart while trying valiantly to outrun the grim reaper. Dec99)

No food or beverages may be brought inside the Magic Kingdom. For your convenience, a picnic area and guest lockers are available to the left of the Main Entrance.
(Eat your sandwiches outside by the reeking garbage bins and dog kennels, because once you're inside you'll be expected to spend $2.25 each on at least 6 cups of Coke after eating our mega-salty french fries. Don't plan on eating? Surprise! You have no choice! The deliciouso aromas you smell in various areas of the park were designed to make you run towards the nearest restaurant in a panicked fit of hunger. Believe it or not, THIS REALLY WORKS!)

Shoes and
shirts must
be worn at
all times.
(Yeah, you fucking hippies. Stay out of the park and don't bother Mr Lincoln, you peacenik assholes!)

Guest articles may be searched upon entering.
(Groups of black kids are welcome, as long as you're not wearing coats or carrying bags and planning to shoplift. Mr Eisner's orders.)

Please, NO SMOKING... in all attractions, shops, indoor and outdoor restaurants,
(Unless you're in Club 33, shown above and to the left, in which case you can shit on the table
and be thanked for it. "No no Mr Schwarzenegger, your cigar is more than welcome here".)
and in popular open air areas.
(I really love the picture you see right there to your upper right. Disneyland now has a little handful of designated smoking areas which is fine with me because I find smoking fairly abhorrent. What I love about this is that the smoking area in the picture is right where the choochoo train stops and belches out a ton of acrid soot. Haha smokey! How do your lungs feel NOW?)

Thank you for your cooperation.
(Ignore the rules. I always do. I'm always taking off my shirt while eating the hot dog I have hidden in my pants when I visit Walt's Happy Maus Land.)

Please have a
pleasant visit with us!
(And don't forget that Disney's California Adventure is opening in summer 2001! Sorry you had to ride a tram over from that parking lot way across the street, but we needed the close parking lot real estate to build a REALLY LAME NEW FUNPARK designed to suck even more of your hard earned dollars right out of your eager wallet so we can continue to expand and swallow all non-Disney businesses in the area! Since we KNOW you adore our clever Disney touch, we're certain you'll flock to the new park in record numbers. Why look! By clicking on the California Adventure sign there you'll see that interest is at an all-time high! EVERYONE has nothing but great things to say about the new stuff we're building for you! Even the city of Anaheim is trying to get in on the act! We're sure you LOVED driving through 3 miles of construction trucks and brown dirty air to reach our thousand year reich of Moustastic fun! Ich bin ein Eisner! SIEG HEIL!! The park is under attack from greedy corporate whores! Someone, stop this! please!!)

Simba say byebye!

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Born 4/29/00