"Snow White's Scary Adventure"
The best ride in Walt's Happymouseland is not the Tea Cups, nor is it the "Pooping Horse Driven Carriage". No, the best ride at Disneyville is "Snow White's Scary Adventure", so named because it scares the hell out of anyone under the age of 17. Located in the heart of the seemingly cheerful Fantasyland (where you can, in other rides, watch Captain Hook get his genitals eaten by an alligator, take part in a wild drunken joyride which ends in death and a trip to Hell, laugh as Pinocchio is sold into slavery, and ride a miniature choochoo train), this ride has everything your developing toddler needs in order to grow up to be a lawyer, doctor, or cop.
The snazzy vultures and skulls decor you see isn't part of some evil torture chamber, rather that's part of the outside of the Snow White ride. It lures in unsuspecting children with the promise of happy frollicking dwarves, then terrifies them with vultures, skeletons, witches, darkness, mean trees, and gloom. Wow, do I love it. It gave me such nightmares as a child, only now can I truly appreciate the beauty of it all. Once you enter the entryway (because there's no line and the young'uns are restless) you pass a creepy witch's laboratory where goons of all ages fling pennies in an effort to get Zeus or Bacchus or some other God to grant their fondest wish. Either that or they want to chip the paint on the skull, I've never figured it out. Here are good pictures of the table and the gargoyle in this spot. After that, 3 feet after that as a matter of fact, you enter the little area where the cars chug up along the front of the dwarf's house to load up and take you on your journey into the abyss.
The ride starts nicely enough. You hop into your little scootycar (most of which seem to have the name "Dopey" on the front, which describes a large percentage of the plebians attending Disneyland on any given day. Screw that, give me "Grumpy" any fucking day!) and you go through the home of the 7 dwarfs. They sing and enjoy merriment and Snow White is there looking all pretty. Cute little animals are dancing about, the 7 little men are happily playing a sweet happy song and all is well, then you go out the front door and the eeeeeeevil Queen is looking through the window disapprovingly. Look at how pretty she is! Spooky. Then you pass the Queen's castle on your way into the Dwarf's diamond mine. OOoooooOOOh! Diamonds! Pretty! After that, the fun REALLY starts!
You pass under a tree with menacing vultures staring you down, turn right and enter the Queen's Eeeevil castle. The doors open and you see the Queen at her mirror planning all kinds of eeeevil deeds in an effort to make Snow White miserable. She turns around and AAAAAH! She's turned into an ugly old witch! This part always distresses me because I, honestly, think the Queen is the fairest of them all and I'm not all that attracted to the Witch. It's like the end of "The Breakfast Club" when Molly TOTALLY ruins Ally, you know? I HATED that part.
Next page. The terror continues!
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Postcard sold at the park. Don't be fooled kids! RUN! SCARY!
