Right before you enter Adventureland, there is a magical voodoo encrusted den of sin called The Enchanted Tiki Room. Before I start commenting on the many voodoo zombies standing guard outside the Tiki Room, I just want to make it clear that as far as I'm concerned, the Tiki Room is part of Main Street USA.

The fellows to your right are named Pele (Tori Amos dedicated an album to this sexxy demon spirit) and... Mervyn or something. I forget. Pele's head shoots fire, he's like... the Hawaiian version of Iron Maiden's mascot Eddie. That's fucking awesome.

To your left is Tangaroa-Ru. This nasty piece of work is known for being the first Pacific Island tree to ever manage a full term pregnancy. It gave birth to a woodpecker. I would also tell you the unpleasant story of how woodpeckers got their names (it ties in with the "tree birth" legend), but I simply don't have the stomach for that right now.

To your right is Hina Kuloua, who has a bitchin' rack.

OOOOOH! What an ugly little face! To your left is Koro, The Midnight Dancer. In the moonlight he loved to dance, natives who watched fell into a trance. He then climbed up their butts and ate the undigested cashews or corn bits that rested in their bowels.

To your right is Maui, who has a legendary need to sprinkle on people. His face a fearsome body, his tongue a mighty penis, his penis a fearsome mighty water spout. His little friend (seen standing in front of him waiting for a holy golden shower) is named Dan. Dan may not look happy, but he loves his work. Ask him about Zionist history and prepare to be bored to tears.

Before anyone asks, No. I don't have any pictures from inside the Tiki Room itself. The German bird scares me too much. I'll photograph butt-burrowing demon marklars but not a accented krauty featherwad.

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Born 12/4/99. Last updated 12/4/99