On Sept. 5, 1998 I was on AOL and just chatting to my friends where I received the following Instant Message. Of course, being a good sport, (and not really giving a fuck) I played along with this stupid little game.
Over the course of the following conversation, I iz Taum, a really "dum" name I might add, threatens me, counterdicts herself, argues her own personality, shows a weakness in her reading interpretation skills, and then threatens me again.
Of couse, I thought this was all hilarious and so, for your viewing pleasure, I give you the conversation between me, Dum Honkey, and I iz Tatum.
A side note here: The writing in bold and italics and light blue are what my thoughts were as I was reading over the conversation. (They look like this and were not part of the origional conversation.)

I iz Tatum: Do you want to die tonight?
DumHonkey: And you are?

I iz Tatum: Wouldn't you like to know....
DumHonkey: Well, you know... what ever. Im not reall all that scared. I think your probably some loser infatuated with the movie Scream
I iz Tatum: Not scared huh? Hehehe... you will be
DumHonkey: Yeah, why's that?
DumHonkey: You don't even know me.
I iz Tatum: How do you know that?
(I don't care.)
DumHonkey:Look, I can type like this too.
I iz Tatum: Congrats
I iz Tatum: I'm real proud of you, Bryan
(Right here I received a phone call and it kicked me off line.)
DumHonkey: Okay fucker, now back to you.
I iz Tatum: Welcome back....what, did you get scared and run away?
DumHonkey: Now, tell me why on this god forsaken mud ball we call earth should I be scared of a loser like your sorry ass?

DumHonkey: No, phone call.

I iz Tatum: Did I ask you to be scared of me? I must have missed that part...
(If she wasn't trying to scare me, why would she ask me if I wanted to die?)
DumHonkey: No. But you tried to scare me. And I gotta tell you, this whole "I think I am the star of the movie Scream" bullshit is cute.
I iz Tatum: If I wanted to scare you, I would not say some lame ass quote from a Gen-X movie like Scream
(Your right, this is more of what you would see in "I know what you did last summer")
I iz Tatum: I would take action
DumHonkey: LOL, really? This is fun! I like games.

I iz Tatum: Who said this was a game?
(Yet she still says that she isn't trying to scare me.)
DumHonkey: Do you know where I live?
I iz Tatum: Why, did you forget?
DumHonkey: LOL Cute.
I iz Tatum: I just thought that someone with your brain might have a little trouble remembering things like that
DumHonkey: Again, that's cute.
I iz Tatum: Kankakee Street is a hard thing to remember anyway
DumHonkey: Yep.
DumHonkey: Let me see...
A) You're my little brother.
B) You're one of the little Hanson chicks.
C) You're just some dumb mother fucker that thinks they are scary.
DumHonkey: YOOOOO HOOOOO, you there?
I iz Tatum: Or then there's D) Ted Bundy returned in the body of an opera singer named Barbaretta or then there's E) none of the fuckin losers mentioned previously
DumHonkey: You seriously think your frightenning me huh?
I iz Tatum:That's not my goal....
DumHonkey: What is your goal?
DumHonkey: To be this gay all the time?
I iz Tatum: Oh yeah....that's right. That was what I lived for
(I thought she was a dyke, I'm glad I know for sure now.)
DumHonkey: Annoy me? (Cause I find this amusing, so that aint working)
I iz Tatum: My whole purpose on this planet is to annoy you. Gee, now I must sulk forever since my destiny has not been met!
I iz Tatum: Get over yourself!
DumHonkey: LOL, you are one of the Hanson chicks huh?

I iz Tatum: Hanson? I severly doubt it
DumHonkey: LOL
DumHonkey: Another phone call, Im back though bitch
I iz Tatum: ooh i'm offended
DumHonkey: How long does it take for yo to get to my house?
I iz Tatum: and that would be of importance to you because....?
DumHonkey: Cause I wanna wait for you to come get me. See, that way, it'll be sporting.
I iz Tatum: to answer your question, it depends on whether I drive my Hansonmobile or take my MMMBike
(A clear sign of a Hanson fan...)
DumHonkey: Cause I am really scared right now...
I iz Tatum: Aww, did Bry Bry piss his panties?
(It's so cute to hear losers call me Bry Bry.)
DumHonkey: And I want to see the face of my murderer. After all, like I couldn't snap your hanson lovin ass in 2 when you came after me.
I iz Tatum: wow, you enjoy reading things into this, dont you?
(Is it me, or did she or did she not ask me if I wanted to die tonight?)
DumHonkey: I am really scared now. Besides dick head. I aint even home!
DumHonkey: LOL, I am at college you dorky son of a bitch.
DumHonkey: So I say, what the fuck is up now? MMMBop that.
I iz Tatum: 1) you think I am a hanson lover 2) you think I am a murderer 3)you think I would risk my life by being exposed to your face
(Or 4, I think you are a dumb bitch.)
DumHonkey: Well, to answer your first question you salad tossing slut, yeah, I want to die tonight.
I iz Tatum: Oops, phone call
DumHonkey: So, I say, if you realy want to do this, come on down, but, I know you won't so I am willing to bet that I will wake up tommorow and live another day... right?
DumHonkey: And, you didnt have no phone call, you were still online you retard.

I iz Tatum: if the world is as cruel as it seems, yes
I iz Tatum: and where did you get this idea that I am planning on hunting you down and murdering you?
( I beleive her exact words were "Do you want to die tonight".)
DumHonkey: So, what was the point of you wasting my time, to IM me with all this bull shit?
DumHonkey: Cause you fucking dyke, the first thing you asked was, "Do you want to die tonight?"
I iz Tatum: What is your point of existing? What is the point of wearing socks? Who gives a shit!
(I have no idea where the hell this line came from. I didn't ask about a point to anything.)
DumHonkey: Tell me who you are.
(So I can slap your dumb ass...)
I iz Tatum: yes, I did ask that question, but that doesn't necessarily mean I was threatening you
I iz Tatum: I was simply starting up a chat, it was an ice breaker
(Yeah, "Do you want to die tonight?" is a pretty common gretting, kinda like "Fuck you" and "Kiss my ass".)
DumHonkey: You are the biggest retards I have ever chatted with. I wish you were here so I could piss in your face you stupid carpet munching dyke.

I iz Tatum: retards? you think there are two of us and that "we" are mentally disabled? Hmm.... You aren't very observant, Bryan
(I didn't use the word "retards" in the plural tense. What the hell is she talking about? Besides, how can I be "observent" over a computer screen?)
DumHonkey: Well, the fact still reamains that I would still piss in yuor face, and come one at a time or all at once, I'd destroy all of you and then put my nut sack on your chin.
I iz Tatum: that is assuming you have one
DumHonkey: Yeah of course. So, come on over.
DumHonkey: Lets play.
I iz Tatum: What makes you think I would want to come over and see your fucked up face?
(Oh yeah, she wants me.)
DumHonkey: Pleeeze? Come out and play with me Scream woman.
I iz Tatum: Bryan, I think I hear your hand calling....maybe it wants to play
( I couldn't jack off, my hand had a head ache, or, so it said.)
DumHonkey: Maybe, but I would much rather play with you flat chested, no ass, hanson hoes.
I iz Tatum: What the fuck is up with this Hanson shit! I mean, fantasize about them on your own time
(For a history of the "Hanson Chicks" click here.)
DumHonkey: Ill try but come on over so I can put my wang in your mouth.
I iz Tatum: Bryan, are you really that horny?
DumHonkey: I have to be if I'd want to fuck you... no... wait... that's desperation.
I iz Tatum: I think you qualify
DumHonkey: Yeah, I have a beautiful girl named April.
DumHonkey: You got me.
(I had to brag a little.)
I iz Tatum: Umm, and I care because...?
DumHonkey: I dunno. Come over and kill me.
I iz Tatum: I wouldn't subject myself to that type of sick torture. Get over it
DumHonkey: Damn. So your not gonna huh? Shit. Oh well, your no fun no more.
I iz Tatum: Let me weep over the loss of your interest
I iz Tatum:ok i'm better
(What took her so long?)
DumHonkey: Ok. Later bitch.
I iz Tatum: Not too much later
Wow, a dramtically scary ending. Is this the end of the haunting and frightening I iz Tatum? Will she be around to try and scare me some more? How much longer will I live before threats no longer be come threats, but reality? Will Dum Honkey Survive? Keep tuning in friends. Same Dum time, Same Dum Page.