MacHiei

by Pan
 
 

Act One
 

Genkai: A question.

 Please speak.

Genkai: Why do we need three days to start our first recording of the show?

 Because FleShuuichiance ruined the center stage with his
rollerblading stint and we had to replace the wood or our actors will be
falling into the stage hole rather than acting.

Genkai: I see.

 We still have a stage hole however, I just covered up the hole with
a plank. So may I entreat all our actors to watch your step.
FleShuuichiance's brother will pay all your medical bills, however, when you
accidentally fall into the hole.

Kurama: HEY!

 We took more than a week in the end. Who shall we blame for that
then?

Hiei: Hn. So I didn't want to say my lines. So I burnt up the camera. So
what.

 Moral of the story: Never employ a bad tempered, anti-social fire
demon who needs to get a life to act in a play unless his sis*** is there.

Kuwabara: What was that again?
Yukina: Did you say something?

 Nope. I said, Act One: BEGIN.

Shizuru: So, when are we meeting again?
Genkai: I suppose when it starts to rain.
Mukuro: After Raizen's troops are done with Yomi's I'll come.
Shizuru: Wait wait wait... I'm not asking WHEN right now, I meant, WHERE?
Genkai: Upon the heath.
Mukuro: There to meet with... Hiei?

 It's MAC-Hiei.

Mukuro: MAC-Hiei.
Shizuru: I see.
Genkai: Why do we want to meet him for?
Shizuru: Because... oh dear, I'm so sorry, Eikichi is calling for all it's
worth right now. It appears that Kazu has forgotten to provide his daily
nutrients and having been forsook of this particular privilege, I shall be
held responsible when the boy comes back from battle.
Mukuro: In other words, your brother's cat is hungry.
Shizuru: Right.
Genkai: I gotta go feed Yukina's pigeons too.
Mukuro: ~Sigh, then what do I do?
Genkai and Shizuru: How would we know what you'd like to do?
Shizuru: ANON! You stupid cat, I'm coming!
Genkai: Kurama, are you done with all these fog anyway?

Kurama: It's part of the special effects, and it's seeping up all my youki.
Jin: Yeh, I had no idea why I got dragged down, so it was for effects...

Mukuro: My hair is in a mess.
Shizuru: Quite fair weather if you ask me.

 Our three witches exchange knowing glares and break down into the
most scary laughter in the entire kingdom...

All: Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog...

Kurama: I'm being appreciated. This is so touching.

All: ... and filthy air...

Jin: How dare you say my winds are filthy!

 We notice, that as our three witches exit stage left, a furious
looking Jin, splashed with what looks and definitely smells like a tomato
sauce, chilli sauce and ribena drink experiment gone wrong, enters stage
right and promptly gets on all fours to crawl to center stage.

Jin: Oh woe is me! Where is that dastardic King Raizencan so I may report
the news of the battles as I have left it?
Raizen: Ah! There he is!

 King Raizencan hands Kuwabaracolm a pincher, and together they stuff
their nostrils with cotten buds.

Raizen: Dow, wat waz id dou wanded to ssay augain?

 Take, that pincher off your nose.

Kuwabara: Bud Jin zemells!

 I don't care whether he smells or he tastes! Just take it off!

Raizen: AHEM... Ah! There is our good and hardy soldier! Captain of the
[aside: Blearch, you smell!] troupe.
Kuwabara: So, what's going on in the battle right now?
Jin: Doubtful it stood, as two spent swimmers... erm... well basically, the
entire thing is over. MacHiei unseamed our rebel from the nave to the chops
without a blink in his eye.
Raizen: Apparantly, it is his business to do such things.
Jin: Unfortunately for our extra, Hiei wasn't using a plastic sword when he
was practicing that scene.
Kuwabara: He's just being the shrimp he is.

 We see a katana fly out from backstage to narrowly miss Kuwabara by
a hairline's breadth. There can be heard, some shouting from backstage soon
to be muffled and then total silence.

Kurama: PLAY ON!

Jin: Ack Ack ack ahem... *starts making groaning, painful noises*. Oh woe
double is I! Somebody get me a doctor!
Raizen: Get him a doctor.
Kuwabara: Yeh. Get him.
Raizen: We would appreciate it very much if someone dragged this human
tomato sauce away from us.
Kuwabara: Or mayhaps we should just do it ourselves.
Raizen: Good idea.

 King Raizencan and Prince Kuwabaracolm exits stage left, dragging a
struggling Jin after them to mark their grand exit. Meanwhile, BanKuramaQuo
drags a seemingly unconscious MacHiei from stage right to center stage.

Kurama: ...

 Our fox is looking unusually disoriented for someone who's supposed
to be at least a thousand years old.

Kurama: I am.

 That's why I said.

Kurama: I do believe we are supposed to have three more persons on the set
at this very moment.

 There is a pitter patter of footsteps and our three witches tumble
out, one after another, onto the stage.

Kurama: Precisely what I meant. Ahem. The weather is quite fair but the
battle has been quite foul. There's not quite been a situation like this for
ages, hasn't it, o great MacHiei?
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: Oh but look! What do we have here! These people... they look like
women but have the figures of men...
Mukuro: Hey, speak for yourself!
Kurama: In actual fact, I am, but could we get on with the plot here? Okay,
well, if you are really people, then I suppose you can talk...
Shizuru: All hail MacHiei! Hail to thee, Thane of Ningenkai!
Genkai: All hail MacHiei! Hail to thee, Thane of Reikai!
Mukuro: All hail MacHiei?

 It's just a play, Mukuro, you can get your heir to all hail you to
the rest of your youkai life after it's over.

Mukuro: All hail MacHiei! Hail to thee, who shalt be king hereafter.
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: Why look! Our great MacHiei has such a GREAT reaction to these
prophecies! Why do you start, great sir?
Hiei: I did not start, and I hate Shakespeare.
Kurama: Oh do you...
Hiei: ...
Kurama: ... hate Shakespeare eh?
Hiei: On second thoughts, I think I kindda like him. You can stop those
golden eyes now.
Kurama: Now then, if you three ladies could look into the seeds of time and
say which one would grow and which one would not, tell me then. Speak to me
about my future.
Shizuru: Greater than MacHiei, and lesser.
Genkai: Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.
Mukuro: *Why do I always get the degrading parts... ?* So all hail! MacHiei
and BanKuramaQuo!

 Kurama releases a huge wad of fog and mist and gas!

Kuronue: Actually, I did.
Kurama: No you did not. You taught me how to, so I did.
Kuronue: It all boils down to me teaching you right?
Kurama: Why, would you like to be gobbled down by the Jusenkyu like a
certain Toguro Ani I know?
Kuronue: No, I don't.
Kurama: Then prithee stay zipped.
Kuronue: Fine.

Hiei: ...
Yukina: (in the prompter's box) Hiei-san! Your lines!
Hiei: (who we all know would do anything for Yukina) ... Stay you imperfect
speakers! Tell me more! What did you mean those words you just said? Answer
me!
Kurama: Why, Hiei remembers his lines! ... MacHiei! Those Weird Sisters have
gone in a puff of smoke. I sincerely hope you have not masterminded that
smoke deed.
Hiei: Ay, it was their luck they were gone before I started my Jaou Ensatsu
Ken.
Kurama: Fie fie, MacHiei, the witches have vamoosed and all you do is gloat
over how you should have done't?
Hiei: Ay once more, whereas if they had remained and allowed us a few more
words.
Kurama: How are we to speak of such things that claims reasoning as
prisoners and grows upon the insane root?
Hiei: If that be't, your children will be kings!
Kurama: YOU shall be king!
Hiei: And the Thane of Reikai was it not so promised?
Kurama: As it was promised!

 Our two over-serious youkais laugh in accordance to the stage
directions, and a zooming sound is heard from beyond the left curtain.

Kurama: WATCH OUT!

 We watch BanKuramaQuo and MacHiei dive onto the ground as a flash of
red zooms from left curtain to right, then back, and repeats this process
five times, each time slowing down and finally coming to a stop in front of
our two generals.

Botan: Special delivery from King Raizencan! With sincere regards from the
Botan Oar Express Delivery Services.... hoh hoh! Koenma-sama, you can get
off now, we have arrived.
Koenma: Aaaarraaaaaa aaraaaa...
Kurama: Why, if it was not KoenmaRoss from the castle.
Koenma: (shakes his head furiously) Aha! Yes... yes... MEHEM. Now that the
rebel of the empire, Enma Daiou has been sent the death sentence, the
position of Thane of Reikai remains unfilled.
Hiei: Hn. You can have it.
Koenma: Shut up.
Hiei: Why you... MGMLRJFJGGMMG... !!!
Kurama: Sorry, KoenmaRoss, MacHiei is in a bit of a foul mood today.
Actually, we all ought to be tossing champagne that he managed to even
REMEMBER some of what he was supposed to say...
Koenma: This is the last time I'm sponsoring a theatre play written by
Shakespeare.
Kurama: You'll never be able to hold a 'last time'.
Koenma: Right right... ANYWAY. I'm here to present the title of Thane, of
Reikai, no less, to the great MacHiei who has proved himself thoroughly, in
brave battles and wasting unneeded expenditure in threatreworks. Hail,
therefore, worthy Thane of Reikai and Thane of Ningenkai as thou previously
art.
Kurama: [aside] What? Can smoked witches speak truth?
Hiei: I said, you can HAVE the Thane of Reikai. I don't want it... OUCH! My
leg!
Kurama: He meant, 'why do you dress me in borrowed robes'?
Koenma: How stupid can a youkai get.

 Koenma ducks to try to avoid the sudden explosion of fire from the
MacHiei's right arm.

Koenma: I did mention earlier did I not about the previous Thane given the
death sentence. Receive this honour, therefore, MacHiei, with grace.
Hiei: [aside] I cannot believe they are giving me all these official
positions 'just for the heck of it.'
All right, you're dismissed, reikai baby.
[aside to BanKuramaQuo] If those who have promised me Thane of Reikai has
promised your descendants royalty, do you not wish for it to be so?
Kurama: [aside to MacHiei] Think lowly of that matter. Should too much trust
be placed upon the theme might enkindle us only more to do the downwards for
the crown. They lure us with honest facts into terrible consequences...
KoenmaRoss! I need to discuss something with you.
MacHiei: [aside] I have heard so much truth in one day, I think I'm ready to
be sick for the rest of my youkai life.
Koenma: ...
Kurama: You're supposed to thank KoenmaRoss.
Hiei: What for? He brings nothing but bad news.

 It is at this point of time when it becomes painfully obvious that
the prompter's box is full of prompting actions, and that a script is being
waved around, left to right to left to right, in an attempt to get the lead
for the show to recall the correct words to utter.

Yukina: Hiei-san! Lines! Lines!!

Hiei: All right all right, have a nice day, baby, and get lost.
Koenma: Why you... MALJRAJGHLJGDF... !
Kurama: The stage is getting heated up! People, look at how our partners
rapt...
Hiei: Oh you want a fight don't you? I'll give you a fight!
Koenma: Oh yeh? Don't think I'm just some 700 years old Reikai baby or
something... because even if I am, I'm still older than you are!
Hiei: And how do YOU know how old I am?
Koenma: Of course I know! I'm the son of Enma!
Hiei: So what? I'm the son of... of... AAAARGH! I DON'T KNOW! NEEEEE!
KURAMA! Who's my father?
Kurama: How would *I* know who your father is?
Hiei: ARGH! Then be my father for a day.
Kurama: WHAT?!
Hiei: All right baby! So what if you're Enma's son? I'm Kurama's son!
Kurama: WAIT A MINUTE... !

Mukuro: Nice move by Hiei. We said Kurama's sons would take the throne
eventually, and immediately he goes and calls himself a son of Kurama.
Shizuru: Dramatic irony. Very rampant in the play Macbeth.
Genkai: Tsk tsk tsk.

Koenma: So what if you're Kurama's son?
Hiei: YEH! So what if I'm Kurama's son? Same goes for you, so what if you're
Enma's son, KOENMA! At least I'm not called KoKurama!
Koenma: *flaring up* Why you... !
Kurama: SO WHAT? SO WHAT? Isn't KoKurama a nice name? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT
UP SHUT UP!!! Will you guys KINDLY now just make your exuent?
Koenma: FINE!
Hiei: FINE!

 As both the reikai citizen and makai dweller exits the stage, Kurama
pouts and disappears as well, with a little less stomping of the feet than
the previous two. The stage rotates and we know find ourselves face to face
with a very bored looking King Raizencan sitting on what looks like a throne
but is actually an overdecorated rocking chair.

Raizen: So, Kuwabaracolm, is Enma dead yet? Is MacHiei back yet?
Kuwabara: Yes and no respectively.
Raizen: It's so infuriating that this character I play has no sense of
judgment. If I were Duncan, I would've ordered the killing of Hiei as well
as Enma. I'm not going to be killed by a mere A-class demon!

 In all 'speak-of-the-devil' style, Hiei strides in with a fuming
Koenma close behind and last of all, an utterly weird looking Kurama, who
looks as if he was close to foaming at the mouth.

Raizen: And whatsmore, I have to call him cousin! I call no one of Mukuro's
army my cousin! She isn't my sister!

Mukuro: Pardon me girls, but I think this play is getting a little
personal...
Shizuru: Won't you stay... it isn't very good to ruin the stage right at the
beginning of the play...
Mukuro: You mean... ?
Shizuru: That's right. This stage is collapsible. It was made-to-be-
destroyed. You can wait until the entire thing is over if you want to gnaw
at Raizen's head.
Genkai: Besides, Hiei's killing Raizen later in the show.
Mukuro: I see.

Raizen: Congratulations for coming back alive, MacHiei. You deserve to get a
greater reward than the one given, but unfortunately I couldn't find
anything else.
Hiei: It's okay. I didn't want it anyway. Killing is my life; it just
depends on whose side I'm on.
Raizen: So I'm rewarding you for being on my side, okay? Ah, who is this
here we see?

 Kurama does a gracious bow.

Kurama: I can't believe you can't remember me.
Raizen: No actually, I find your ki very familiar. It reminds me of the
little pickpocket youko I was chasing around about slightly more than a
century ago. Unfortunately, I lost him and never got my money back.
Kurama: ...
Raizen: Anyway, you must be the all great and good BanKuramaQuo! Welcome
hither! I would have rather planted you in the great rose gardens of my
backyard and make thee full of growing...
Kurama: There if I grow, the harvest is your own.
Raizen: Ah. I feel so humiliated today to have actually praised two
miserable A-class youkais. I must therefore announce the heir to the throne
right away! Prince of Cucumberland thereafter named, Kuwabaracolm, my
first... ~sigh~ son...

Keiko: He seems to have a little problem pronouncing 'son'.
Yuusuke: *cracking his knuckles* He oughtta be!

Raizen: And just in case another jealous son comes along to attack me,
MacHiei! I must lodge in your castle tonight.
Hiei: I have no castle.
Raizen: What? Then okay... all of you stay in my castle today.
Hiei: Fine... then I think I'll call my sis... wif... I mean... Yukina. I
think I'll call Yukina to come along with me.
Raizen: Your petit wife is she not?
Hiei: She's not my... !!! NEVER MIND! I want her to be here and that's
final!
Kuwabara: AH! YUKINA-SAN WILL BE HERE TOO!
Koenma: She's 'married'.
Hiei: NO SHE'S NOT! AAAAH! That stupid Prince of Cucumberland! That is very
indeed a step in which I must either kill or kill. Stars! FEEL MY FIRE! Let,
if it may be, EVERYBODY see my black and deep desires! I have no need to
hide, and I'm not sure which eye is winking at my hand, yet let that be
which the eye fears, when it is done, to see...
Raizen: Yes, BanKuramaQuo, MacHiei is very valiant and 'outspoken' indeed.
Come, let's chase him before he flits away. I still want to see where he
lives in...
Kurama: Haven't I told you? He lives in trees!
Raizen: Oh come on! Don't tell me his wife too?

 Kurama and Raizen continue to debate the matter of Hiei's housing
details while Koenma shakes his head and exits the other way. The stage
immediately rotates to see a fuming, fuming, fuming smoking glaring Hiei
and Yukina feeding the birds.

Yukina: Is that true, Hiei-san?
Hiei: Yes. Three wonky transvestites...

Mukuro: Why that no good little...
Genkai: Calm! CALM!

Hiei: ... stopped me and Kurama when we were returning to the castle after
the battle. Called me Thane of Ningenkai, Thane of Reikai and then King.
Yukina: And immediately after that KoenmaRoss brings news of your newly
appointed services as Thane of Reikai?
Hiei: Yes.
Yukina: That's bad news.
Hiei: Yes.
Yukina: Doesn't that mean you'll be sitting behind a desk stamping papers
and sactifying documents all day?
Hiei: Yes.
Yukina: Oh the horror!
Hiei: Yes.
Yukina: Will I be able to see you again if it's like that, Hiei-san?
Hiei: Yes, and actually I just wanted you to come with me to Raizen's castle
today. He invited us there.
Yukina: Oh Hiei-san! I pity you! Tell you what: Let's kill Raizen so you can
be king and you won't have to stamp papers all day and I won't have to not
see someone who reminds me so much of my twin brother...
Hiei: ...
Yukina: But then again, only someone with the kindest of hearts would want
to kill a demon like Raizen... knowing Hiei-san, whose heart is filled with
nothing but the toxic waste of youkai badness...
Hiei: Let's go, Yukina.
Yukina: No wait, I haven't called upon the 'spirits' and 'murdering
ministers' to chastise you from bad to good yet!
Hiei: I said, let's go!
Yukina: Hiei-san... when we reach the castle, remember! You must tell
Raizen-san your displeasure with his faction of the Makai, then when he
refuses to release you from the job of stamping documents, you must declare
war on him!
Hiei: ...
Yukina: My my... your face is like a blank book where man may read no
matters pertaining to any emotion other than... frustration with the world.
Hiei: Yes, my dear little Yukina, would you kindly move away from those fat
birds now?
Yukina: Those are pigeons.
Hiei: Pigeons. Fat pigeons.
Yukina: I'm done! Let's go to the castle, Hiei-san!

 Soon after, the stage rotates and now we have come upon to the
castle of King Raizencan, who sits in front of the castle door awaiting his
guests.

Kurama: Need a king see to his guests?
Raizen: No, I was intending to sabotage the first person who came along.
Kurama: And that would be...
Raizen: You. Here, sit here and greet everybody who comes into the Kastle.
Kurama: You have a very interesting Kastle, your highness. It is quite
haunting not to forget daunting for one to even stare at it from a distance.
In fact, I was wondering whether I got the correct place or was it just a
Kastle of a certain Ruling Class Demon I happened to have the misfortune to
meet up with before...
Karasu: Ah! My fox remembers my Kastle!
Kurama: YIPS
Raizen: Actually, Karasu allowed us to use his Kastle for today's outdoor
shooting. I mean, FOC, why not?
Kurama: Chotto. *turns into a fox then runs away* Find someone else for your
doorman, King Raizencan! I'm outta here!
Karasu: Wait! Kurama! OUCH! Hey, let go!
Raizen: No way. You chase away my doorfox, you stand in as a doorcrow.
Karasu: GROAN.
Hiei: Boo.
Karasu: YAAAA! *disappears as well*
Yukina: Good day, Raizen-san.
Raizen: AH! Yukina-chan, and MacHiei! Good thing you guys could make it. I
apologize deeply for suddenly inviting you from your comfortable home to my
very... dilapidilated Kastle...

 At this point of time, the audience is invited to a feast of the
eyes when King Raizencan tries to do an 'enchante' let-me-kiss-your-little-
right-hand on Yukina to be very much literally put off by Hiei's
infinitesimal but nonetheless subtle as a ton of bricks promise of death.

Raizen: Dear dear! Come in please! I hope you'll enjoy the meal already
prepared in honour of you.
Kurama: AAAAAAA!!!

 Crash.

Yukina: Oh dear, what a poor animal. Come, let me carry it. Oh look at him,
he's so cute... oh dear, he's bleeding... poor poor animal... look at him
Hiei-san, isn't the fox just so adorable?
Hiei: *stiffly* Yehhe'scute.
Karasu: Oh KURAMA... where are you? Look at this nice bomb I have for you...
After you accept this present you can stay with me forever! Isn't that just
wonderful? OH KUUUURAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
Raizen: Come, let's go into the Kastle.
Hiei: The sooner the better.

 We note the foursome enter the Kastle and watch the looming gates
close behind them, while our unfearing crow is still calling for Kurama
outside. The banquet is held with alot of singing, dancing, whining... I
mean, wining, and basically just everybody going crazy over the stage, while
Botan rotates the 'Yuu Yuu Hakusho Super Dance Mix' over the stereos.

Raizen: Say, Yukina-chan, where's your brothe... I mean, husband?
Yukina: Hiei-san? He was here just a moment ago.
Raizen: Yeh, but knowing how fast that little guy moves, it wouldn't do us
any good to know where he was now too... never mind. COME PEOPLE, YOUKAIS
and REIKAI CITIZENS! Let's drink!
Everyone else: ON AH!

 The writer interrupts this scene to try to quell her unusual desire
to sudden finish the Act in traditional Singlish. Now, back to our scheduled
program...

Hiei: AAAA! I'm so frustrated! I DO NOT want to spend my entire life
stamping documents behind an overcrowded desk like a certain someone who
shall not be mentioned in Reikai!
Yukina: Then kill him.
Hiei: Who?
Yukina: Raizen-san.
Hiei: Well yeh, that's an option. Listen Yukina, if I kill Raizen, I'll be
doing a good deed for the entire world in fact... there goes my reputation
of evilness!
Yukina: Would you rather that or stamp documents in reikai? Oh Hiei-san I
beg you... I want to see you... you remind me so much of my twin brother...
Hiei: ...
Yukina: I don't want to lose you to a pile of papers! HIEI-SAN!

 Yukina throws herself into a stunned Hiei's arms and starts dropping
tear gems all over the floor.

Yukina: BOOHOOHOOO!!
Hiei: ...
Yukina: Hiei-san, will you kill Raizen-san for me?
Hiei: (whom we all know would do anything for Yukina) Yes.
Yukina: Really? YAAAAAY! Hiei-san is such a nice youkai! Raizen-san should
be asleep by midnight. Let's kill him so you can be king and not sanctify
documents all day on a...
Koenma: WE GET THE IDEA ALREADY! JUST GET ON WITH THE PLAY!!!
Hiei: howdareyoushoutatYukina
Yukina: Let's go, Hiei-san!
Hiei: Hn.

 The Act finally draws to a close with Hiei adamantly deciding to
kill Raizen for making his sis... I mean wife, so sad and so agitated. There
is now a two weeks interval. In two weeks time, we shall look forward to
more ENTERTAINMENT, more YOUKAIS WHO CAN REMEMBER THEIR LINES and less
TROUBLE ON THE STAGE. Thank you.

END ACT 1
 
 
 

Back to Prologue
Act Two