MacHiei

by Pan
 
 

Act Two
 

It has been two tiring weeks of practice, practice and yet more
practice drills for our resident Yuu Yuu Hakushoers. As far as *I* am
concerned, all of them are now WILLING, EAGER and ALL PUMPED UP AND READY TO
GO for our next act of Yuu Yuu Hakusho Shakespeare Tales: MacHiei.
 Are we guys?

Hiei: Hn.

 A hearty response! Let us now begin our Act Two.

Kurama: Hark, what a night it will be.
Shuuichi: Right on!
Kurama: Hold.

 FleShuuichiAnce holds his rollerblades and crashes straight into
BanKuramaQuo.

Kurama: OUCH!!

 Unfortunately for BanKuramaQuo, our stage hole, yes that not yet
fully patched up one was there to greet his descent. We see FleShuuichiAnce
glance on in full guilt of his deed.

Shuuichi: Erm, Dad?
Kurama: What is it, FleShuuichiAnce? Is it sooo very hard to ask you to hold
your step?
Shuuichi: Well, I held my step, but my rollers wouldn't stop.
Kurama: Oh whatever. Just take my rose whip and get me out of there. And
while you're at it, just hold my sword wouldn't you?

 Right now, BanKuramaQuo is out of the hole with a most dismayed look
on his face. He notes the audience and gives a slight smile despite his
obvious pain. In the meantime, there is yet another scuffling sound to stage
left and before long, a soured-face MacHiei makes a tripping entrance onto
the stage.

Hiei: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS YUUSUKE!!!
Kurama: Get MacYuusuke for what, MacHiei?
Hiei: iflookscouldkill For pushing me out, isn't that obvious! AAAAAA!!! I
HATE THIS! I WANNA GO BACK IN!!!

 As MacHiei attempts to stride backstage, he pauses to reflect for a
moment what the fox was up to, not attempting to even stop him. Turning
back, he realized that BanKuramaQuo was actually seated next to the
prompter's box which Yukina was in, talking with her ever so suspiciously...

Kurama: Ah, what a pity you have never got a chance to meet your brother,
Yukina... hmm... let's see, in my one-thousand over years of existence I
seem to recall...
Hiei: Ku... Ra... Ma...
Kurama: I'm so sorry, MacHiei is calling me, if you'd excuse me, Lady
MacHiei...
Yukina: Oh please do! And please talk with me more about this topic soon!

 BanKuramaQuo walks over to a trembling MacHiei in all smiling
graces.

Kurama: Still leaving thy castle, worthy Thane?
Hiei: ...
Kurama: That's so much better. I had sooner thought of those three weird
sisters whom to you they showed some truth.
Hiei: (who is nearly attempting homicide by now) Transvestites.

Mukuro: WILL HE EVER... !
Shizuru and Genkai: CALM CALM CAAALM!!

Hiei: I'd be lying if I said I thought of them.
Kurama: I wouldn't like to think of them either, but the script required me
to.
Hiei: Those three...
Kurama: ... bearded women...
Hiei and Kurama: *stares at each other for a while* BLEARCH!
Hiei: Nevertheless, we can still talk about their prophecies which are
slightly less nausea-inducing, when we have the time.
Kurama: Whenever you are free, worthy Thane. I shall retreat to my chamber
now.
Hiei: Then pray you get lost fast.

 BanKuramaQuo, graceful as the fox he is, takes a deep bow and exits
the stage with FleShuuichiAnce rollerblading close behind him.

Yukina: (in the prompter's box) Good job, Hiei-san!
Hiei: ...

Kurama: Everybody! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!
Yuusuke: Hiei's smiling out of the blue! I can't believe this!
Koenma: I had almost thought Hiei was born without the ability to smile.
Kurama and Yuusuke: noone'llsayyou'remuteifyoudon'ttalk
Koenma: How would you ever know if he wasn't?!
Yuusuke: It's character insight.
Kurama: Something that requires deep ponderation.
Yuusuke: And definitely...
Kurama: ... not something...
Yuusuke: ... a BABY...
Kurama: ... can grasp.
Koenma: ARE YOU SAYING... !!!

Hiei: Good good good, all of them are gone, no one'll make me say my lines
anymore... but hark! Is this a Kokuryuuha I see before my Jagan? The tail
towards my hand?
Come! Let ME clutch thee! (tries to catch invisible air)
I... I have thee not... y... yet I see thee still!
Don't tell me you're just something my heat-oppressed mind dreamt up with...
but such likeness!

Yukina: ... wow... Hiei-san is good!

Kuronue: Eheheheheheh... are you guys going to thank me for that Kokuryuuha
illusion or what?
Kurama: Kuronue!
Kuronue: It wasn't so hard to trick the little boy... a little fog and
illusion and he's rapping like good...

 Excuse me backstage actors, but if you're all done with your
gibbering I'd like to point your attention to the fire on the mainstage...

Hiei: Jaou Ensatsu... Rengokushou! OHO! So you still refuse to move eh you
stupid little air-drawn Kokuryuuha? Would you like to meet your twin then?
EH? Jaou Ensatsu... KOKURYUUHA!!!

Kurama: MUKUROOOOO!!!
Mukuro: COMING! Where's that scrawny little dragon? I'll tear it into two in
no time!
Hiei: CALL MY DRAGON SCRAWNY??? Jagan no chikara o namin daio! HAAAAAAAH!!
Yuusuke: The second blast of Kokuryuuha!
Koenma: Not good not good not looking good at all...

 The Kokuryuuha goes on a onward path, which even Mukuro could not
keep up with. It rages on, causing small-scale ceiling destruction and does
nothing in particular generally, except scare the living daylights out of
the play audiences and lighting up the theatre in general. Unfortunately for
King Raizencan, who happens to be having a little cup of tea at the back of
the audience's stand, the Kokuryuuha seems to be heading straight for him...

Raizen: What the-

 KABOOOOOOM.

Yukina: Hiei-san! You did it you did it!! You killed Raizen-san for me!
Hiei: Yukina... I can't breathe-
Yukina: teargemsofjoy

Raizen: WHO SAYS I'M DEAD?!? That wasn't what was supposed to happen!

 Well, King Raizencan, you're supposed to be killed by Hiei, and I
don't really care how or what he uses to kill you, but this fits with the
script, and there'll be no more time-wasting...

Hiei: I can't believe this. Me! Hiei! How could I kill Raizen, a fellow
comrade in badness?
Yukina: Oh please don't think about it anymore Hiei-san, look, you look as
if you'll be needing a six-hours hibernation...
Hiei: ...
Yukina: Come, a little water clears us of the deed.
Hiei: Wait, I need to call my dragon back.
Yukina: Let me do it for you, Hiei-san!
Hiei: HUH?

 Our dear little Yukina hops off the stage, freezes herself a nice
pair of ice-gloves and drags the whining Kokuryuuha by the tail back to her
husband.

Yukina: Hiei-san!
Hiei: ... !

Mukuro: Oh my goodness. That girl's got potential! I think I need to
reassess the heir to my country.
Raizen: Speaking of potential, I need to draft some healers into my regiment
too...
Yomi: Hahahahahah, you should all just give up the idea. The girl will be on
my side...
Hiei: All of you shut up! YUKINA IS MINE! MINE MINE!!! Mi-... What am I
talking about... AAAAAAA!!!!!!

Kuwabara: How dare the shrimp! Do not worry, YUKINA-SAN! I, OTOKO KUWABARA
shall save you from that little prawn! CHAAARRRGGEEEE!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

 All the actors currently on the stage stop whatever they are doing,
were doing, was about to do to to seek out the sound source.

Kuwabara: What was that?
Hiei: Baka. Couldn't tell a knock from a cow moo could you.
Kuwabara: Why you- !

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Yuusuke: What in the devil's name is that?
Koenma: Sounded like a knock to me.
Yuusuke: What do you know about knocks. You're just a baby.
Koenma: I know enough to tell them apart from cow moos and Yuusuke shrieks.
Yuusuke: I DON'T SHRIEK!!
Koenma: You do now.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Yukina: Oh dear, what should I do? It sounds sinister... it sound as if Enma
himself was trying to get in...
Koenma: WHAT?!?!? My dad dad's here? Then oh dear, I'm sorry, I think I need
a lift... Botan!

KNOCK KNOCK.

Kuronue: A bunch of fools. ~Sigh oh will thy knocking ever stop?

KNOCK KNOCK.

Kurama: I think I know what the person wants. Watch me.

KNOCK KNOCK.

Kurama: ... *AHEM*... Who's there?
Voice: I AM!
Kurama: I AM! who?
Voice: I AM HERE TO CLAIM MY SON BACK FROM YOU BUNCH OF BABYNAPPERS!
Kurama: AH! Would someone please open the door for I AM HERE TO CLAIM MY SON
BACK FROM YOU BUNCH OF BABYNAPPERS!-san?

 EVERYBODY! I don't think I AM HERE TO CLAIM MY SON BACK FROM YOU
BUNCH OF BABYNAPPERS!-san is interested in coming in, so why don't we all
get on with the play eh? Okay. Now the Porter has opened the door to King
Raizencan's Kastle and invited the honourable MacYuusuke and KoenmaRoss in.

Yuusuke: It's about time someone opened the door!
Koenma: You had no idea, it was snowing backstage.
Yuusuke: Snowing?
Koenma: Something to do with Yukina over-reacting a little on Hiei, but
never mind. So, where's the good porter?
Voice: OPEN UP!!
Yuusuke: I do believe we've locked him out.
Koenma: Ah.
Yuusuke: It's okay. You can stay here, I'll go call King Raizencan up. It's
surprising how come a rich man like him can't afford an alarm clock. I just
don't know why he needs PEOPLE to wake him up... stay here, pray you, and
wait for my news.
Koenma: Would I not!
[aside] Would I not believe too that it was actually snowing indoors, and
backstage! The skies are such strange things nowadays. One moment it snowed
the other it rained. You'd wonder what was up next: Kokuryuuhas? Snowing
Rei gans? Chomping Shokoku Shokubutsus? Or just a dimensional sword hacking
through or something...
Yuusuke: OH HORROR HORROR HORROR!
Koenma: There. He must have seen a dead king or something to be shouting
like that.
Yuusuke: RING THE ALARUM BELL! THE KING'S DEAD!! Sleep no more I tell you!
Wake up and meet the real thing itself! COME! ONE AND ALL! *AHEM*. One
stinking, rotting Raizen in the chamber, tickets are selling at 100yen per
entry, limited to the first seven who get here...

Raizen: This is ridiculous. My 'son' is selling my death off for a hundred
yen and that's it?
Yomi: That's how cheap you are aren't you?
Raizen: Yo, Yomi, are your skins itching for a beating?
Yomi: Hohohohohoh... more and more interesting!
Mukuro: Here, I'll judge. You guys can bawl it out, and I'll just take over
the entire Makai.

 The stage is now full of people, cramming and cramming. MacHiei had
just been pushed out by Lady MacHiei from stage left, to be followed by a
sleepy looking BanKuramaQuo and his son FleShuuichiAnce. From stage right,
Kuwabaracolm and Shurabain had just entered, both looking dishevelled and
such, and KoenmaRoss already on center stage.

Yukina: Hiei-san... lines!
Hiei: ...
Kurama: What is this about? Who's dead?
Yuusuke: The king! Oh the horror!

Kuronue: Do you need fog effect for this enigmatic scene?
Yuusuke: No, thanks, I will do very well alone.

Hiei: Who? Raizen is dead? HAHAH! All the better! NEHEHEHEH...
Yukina: *shocked* Hiei-san!
Hiei: ...
Kurama: Who doth murders our royal master?
Yukina: And in his own Kastle too?
Koenma: Come, MacHiei, follow me into the chamber.
Hiei: ... WHAT FOR? The king is dead, and had I died before he did, I would
have indeed lived a blessed life... *draws his katana* Let me go and kill
those who killed him right now...

 As MacHiei exits the stage with a weird sort of smile on his face,
the rest of the crew stands on the stage, puzzled and confused. Nonetheless,
they regain their composure very quickly... or do they?

Yuusuke: You know... that wasn't supposed to happen.
Kurama: I know...

 Slashing sounds are heard at the back of the stage and a cruel
laughter drifts through the air...

Hiei: [muffled sound] I'm free! I'm FINALLY FREE!!! BWHAHAHAHA!
Kuronue: I don't think he just did what I thought he did... did he?
Hiei: [muffled laughter fading fast]
Kurama: Ugh oh...
Koenma: He just killed our two stage crew guarding the exit!
Yukina: But what would Hiei-san do that for? He's the best!
Yuusuke: That's obvious! He doesn't want to star in this play anymore!
Yukina: Hiei-san! Hiei-san!!
Kurama: Yukina!
Yuusuke: Look to the lady, she's fainted...
Kuwabara: YUKINA-SAN!!!
Shura: The added effects of her husband running off after the King dies...
what a horrible way to greet a peaceful lady first thing in the morning...

 There is more confusion on the stage and the extras are all cleared
away, while some people are sent to look for MacHiei... BanKuramaQuo,
Kuwabaracolm and Shurabain remains on the stage, looking forlorn and a
little lost.

Kurama: Whoever had done this, it seems to have been the two stage crews
guarding the exit... but anyhow, they are dead now by MacHiei's blade and we
only hope that MacHiei returns to finish off a reply to this treacherous
malice...

 He turns back to look at Kuwabaracolm and Shurabain, sons of the
dead King Raizencan and gives a deep bow, before miraculously puffing
himself out of the stage.

Kurama: Greatest goodbyes, my lords, for this truth I dare not even engrave
in my heart...
Kuwabara: Oh woe is me... Yukina-san has left the stage...
Shura: Don't think of woman now, brother, what are we supposed to do now
that our father is dead?
Kuwabara: What guarantee will we have here now that the shrimp is on the
loose with a killing nerve free in his mind? I'll go to England.
Shurabain: And me, Ireland. Until we meet again, then! There is not place
here that we may be safe... I assure you...

 The two princes exit the stage, Kuwabaracolm suddenly rushing off
with a crazed look in his face and Shurabain simply stalking off the stage.
There is, yet, another puff of fog and mist and Kuronue appears with a
painfully obvious beard on his chin, as well as his deviously etched
features with that 'watch out for your wallet' expression still on... He
sits on a huge log seemingly popped out of nowhere but I assure you,
BanKuramaQuo knows better, and from the other side of the stage, KoenmaRoss
saunters in, looking at the skies, and eventually settling beside Kuronue.

Kuronue: Can't help it. They ran out of extras, and the author's biased.

 SHUT up.

Kuronue: *snigger* Well well well... it must have been literally a thousand
years since I've seen such bad weathers...
Koenma: What did you see?
Kuronue: Frozen dragons.
Koenma: And?
Kuronue: Makai mimosa turning herbivorous.
Koenma: And?
Kuronue: A Rei-tning flash.
Koenma: And?
Kuronue: A Rei parang trying to hack up all of the above.
Koenma: So?
Kuronue: It ended up hacking up anything else but that.
Koenma: So?
Kuronue: All the Dragons, Mimosas, Rei-tnings and Rei Parangs turned into
hands.
Koenma: SOOO??
Kuronue: They did a scissors paper stone.
Koenma: WHAT?!?!
Kuronue: Mimosa won, and suddenly this redwood log comes crashing down onto
the stage. I mean, how more weird can a weather get when it starts raining
logs and the clouds start playing scissors paper stone with each other?
Koenma: ...
Kuronue: When Mimosa started eating everything else up, I fogged the skies
with mist to avoid anymore sights that may upset my equilibrum.
Koenma: Here comes our good, honourable, perfect-eyesighted and definitely
sane MacYuusuke, whom I propose did not see anything like frozen dragons,
herbivorous mimosas, rei-tning flashes and rei parangs.
Yuusuke: I see Raizen up there flashing a censored finger at me to try to
get me to seek out the person who had done it!
Koenma: Done what?
Yuusuke: FRAMED KUWABARA AND SHURA OF KILLING THEIR OWN FATHER! What
insolence!
Koenma: Well, they did run away from the set once Raizen was dead.
Yuusuke: *shrugs* MacHiei is to be our next King... that is, if we manage to
find that guy before the next Act begins.
Koenma: Wish you all the best. Will you go witness his coronation then?
Yuusuke: NAH, I doubt they'll find Hiei, so I might as well go back to Fife.
Koenma: Fine by me.
Yuusuke: Yup. Lest our old robes sit easier than our new...
Kuronue: You mean you do change when you bath?
Yuusuke: ...
Koenma: You mean you bathe at all???
Yuusuke: No, KoenmaRoss, I do not bathe at all... wanna smell me?

 As our two nobles exit the stage, one after another with Yuusuke
trying to stuff his shirt down Koenma's throat, Kuronue smiles deviously
and faces the audience again.

Kuronue: Whatever they smell like, the smell of money is still the best...

 I see, apparently Kuronue has stolen their wallets without them
realizing in the slightest bit...

Kuronue: I'm a high-class bandit.
Kurama: Kuronue...
Kuronue: Hey, wanna split the profits? WOW! I never knew Yuusuke was so
rich!
Kurama: Give that back, Kuronue...
Kuronue: Are you a thief at all??
Kurama: Of course I am! Hey... look at what I have here! Isn't this
Kuronue's most precious pendant? What's it doing in my hands... aaaaawww...
Kuronue: !!! HEY! You... give that back!
Kurama: *sticks out tongue*

 As our two great Makai bandits start chasing each other all around
the stage, the audience, WE, see the curtains close. Do I hear sighs of
relief? Yes, then... well I hope you have all enjoyed Act 2... and there
will be another interval... by the time the interval ends, we definitely
expect to see more sanity on the stage... AND HAVE YOU STUPID ACTORS FOUND
HIEI YET?!?!

Kuwabara: Nope.

 STUPID! YOU DON'T TRY TO FIND SOMEONE AS BIG AS HIEI UNDER A CD-
PLAYER!!!

Kuwabara: Aw, I thought he was shrimpy enough to hide there.

 We will find him, audiences... and until we do, we are going to
expect our Yuu Yuu Hakushoers to remember MORE LINES, MORE SEQUENCES OF
EVENTS AND MORE! CORRECT! APPEARANCES! AT! THE! RIGHT! TIME! IN! THE! RIGHT!
PLACE!! Thank you.

END ACT TWO
 
 
 

Back to Act One
Act Three